What if "IT" never gets better? Or, it gets worse?

[lovemysons]

Sig,
Reading what you wrote in re Catcher in the Rye...I was reminded of some notes I took in an FA book called, "Today a Better Way".

What I wrote as my son's "dangled"...
"Intense pain as I picture myself stretched over a cliff struggling desperately to hold onto my son's. Their pain begs me to hold on. Yet a new voice is telling me G-d can take over, Let Go and Let G-d - I am frightend beyond words...What if I let go of my control and surrender to Trust. I must learn to accept Spiritual Guidance and lay down the unhealthy hold I have on my son's. Perhaps, what if, we are willing to watch a miracle take place in our lives."

So I understand this "place" you are at Sig...It can be so overwhelmingly scary.
It is easier said than done...that "trusting part".

I also used to picture my son's drowning. And I, the only one who could save them. I would picture myself treading water begging them to come back to shore. But they wouldn't or couldnt' hear me. They ignored the dangers. And I, feeling like it my duty, would ALMOST drown and give up my life for them. I Would sacrifice me. But for what...so that drugs could not only destroy their lives...but their mother's life as well? What lesson was there in that? What would the generations that follow from our little family learn from my "example"? And my son's...what was I telling them?
Trusting...I don't think it's just for us. It's for our Sub Abusing children to see that when they turn to a Higher Power and give up their own "will"...That a new life has been waiting for them.

But it's important that they see WE CAN SURVIVE their drug addiction. That we trust, that we lean, that we take care of our own self and sanity. And that we are not out there "dangling" with them any longer. Maybe if they see us working our own "program of recovery" and living life to the fullest despite all of their chaos and pain and problems...maybe they will question how we can do this?

Sig, I nearly lost my life and sanity in the past 10 or so yrs of my son's "dangling on the cliff edge".
I would have missed out on so much...including my beautiful grandchildren, who adore me, smile.
I would have missed out on seeing my lovely easy child mature into a fine young adult woman.
I would have missed out on new dreams with husband...new goals we are reaching towards.
So much that I have enjoyed over the past 5 yrs...could have been destroyed by my son's drug use. It could have killed their mother...and I am being very serious when I say that.

I want to show them...They come from survivor blood. Their mother will no longer allow herself to enslaved by their drug use.
And as I have said before... easier said than done...and in all honesty I have not had to interact up close with my son's in my home for around a year now. This will change come Monday when young difficult child returns home from Prison. Then the REAL TEST begins.

I know I will need to lean on you too Sig. We need to stay strong and connected and remind each other of ways to keep our own lives, sanity, emotions, feelings, balanced and cared for...and not let "drugs" rule our day and our lives.

I understand waiting...for something. As they say...Life is a journey.
I'm so glad we have each other here on the board to move through it hand in hand...walking on the shore line and also away from that "cliff".

You are a survivor Sig.
hugs,
LMS

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I feel the same way. I tell difficult child that I have faith in her and I believe in her but I ask myself - do I really? I am not so sure. She has always been a challenging child but dealing with the drug addiction issues for as many years as we have now, well, I am weary too...

 

[susiestar]

Sig, I think Janet is right on the money about the petulant toddler in the young adult's body.

I also think your son has WAY too much power over you. I can easily remember what we all went through as my brother did much of what your son is doing. I remember my mother very clearly and explicitly telling him that he was enjoying a lifestyle earned with the salary of two professionals with college/grad school degrees and doing less than minimum wage to earn it. By this point he had graduated high school at 16yrs and 2 months of age, gone to college while living at home for 2 years because my parents forced him to. He was drinking when he was 12 by getting it from older kids nad then at one point he was in a school where he had to change busses in a downtown area and he got winos to buy alcohol and porn for him. He was 13 when he started that. He also stole communion wine from his very expensive private school, where my parents sent him because it was this 'strict' school that had all the boys skip grades seven and eight or go to juvenile hall because he was bored. So by the time he was 18 he was a junior iwth an almost perfect gpa. So they allowed him to move into the dorm for upper classmen. He then, less than a mile from our home, drank and gambled his way to a 1.5 semester GPA. My parents talked iwth him, thought he saw the light and allowed him to stay because they had to pay for the dorm the whole year anyway. He got a 1.3 GPA that semester. This is a good school, but pretty much any trained monkey who can write his name on a test can get at least a low C. even if they skipped most of the classes. A's take real work, but C's are easy. Esp with the super easy classes he was taking. He truly had harder classes in the private school before we moved to OK.

So they let him come home. They refused to see that he was drinking and using pot, much less to believe that he would take literally ANYTHING including mushrooms he found growing in the wild, after he had about six drinks in him. I knew, and was told not to lie because he wouldn't do that. So I shut up about it. Even finding him passed out on the sidewalk outside our home was written off as 'depression' about something.

After he came home he took full advantage of their luxuries and paid zero bills. This lasted a short while. WHen my mother learned that almost all of the tools she had inherited or been given by her father were either ruined from being left outside or were just gone, she freaked. Her dad owned a hardware store and she worked their for years. her whole childhood. He had a LOT of top quality tools nad as a family and individually we did a LOT of work with those tools - projects ranged from building a small table or fixing something to building a garage all by ourselves except for some help with the trusses and hiring a company to bring in the concrete. To have them ALL gone, poof?? Was the last straw.

She told him that if he wanted to not go to school, to live on what he could make with minimum wage? then he could go live that min wage lifestyle. He had two weeks to get out. Two days later he come and said he joined the Army. It was good for him. He couldn't keep a promotion because of his attitude toward authority, but he did last the 2 yrs. Became a hard core alcoholic (as if he wasn't already, but it got a LOT worse) after 15 mos in Germany, but he also had some great learning and growing up experiences.

I think you need to figure out how to not have yourself so tied up in him. I know it is hard. I had to let go of my oldest LONG before I was ready or else it would have ended with one of us in prison or the grave. And I do NOT mean that figuratively. I do know that your son NEEDS to do this his own way. I know you dont want to cut him off, but he does not respect you in any way, shape or form. He is not going to understand your position until he is a parent. It is what it is. You cannot change this. Allowing him to live with your luxuries including good food, nice house, not having to haul his laundry to a laundromat and pay for it, central heat and air, a car to use even a little, cable/satellite tv, free internet, pets with no food or vet bills, these are ALL things he could not afford if he was living the life he claims to want.

Life isn't easy. At his age you probably had kids or were in school or both. I know I was working almost 30 hrs a week, had no car and rode a bike everywhere, took a full load of classes and I was dealing with two very painful chronic diseases. I lived with my parents but I did a LOT of chores there too. I did almost all of the grocery shopping. I ran most of the errands around town. I did my laundry and if my folks had stuff in the machines, I moved it through and folded/hung up the load when dry BEFORE I put mine it. I cooked many meals and when we got a sale on meat I helped cook and/or package it for the freezer. I also made most of the birthday and holiday gifts myself.

By age 22 I was married and I had a baby shortly after that. We did NOT live with our parents and we did NOT depend on them to support us.

I know your son is using his atitude to punish you and it is working. You have GOT to find a way to not let him know it is bothering you. in my opinion you need to figure out why you have this need to have him like you so much that it is ripping you apart that he is showing you such disdain. It is normal to have some pain over this, but i think maybe you should look at why it has been so gut-wrenching. For me it was that way but my son was 14 and it was way too early. I hate the distance between us, but I have faith that in time he will see that we daughter the best we could and he was an exceptionally troubled child. I think if he hadn't gone to my parents where I was not there to be a buffer between him and my brother that we would not ever speak to each other yet. He sees how horribly hateful my brother is, and he doesn't want his siblings to experience the pain that he saw me go through after each attack and when I knew one was coming.

I did get therapy to help me get to this point. I think we ALL see too many tv families where problems are solved in an hour or less and where there are not the huge problems that we have to face in real life.

I do think LMS is right about trusting God or your higher power to handle things. You are trying so HARD to make his life what you thought it would be, and you are allowing him not to have to truly grow up. He has known this entire time that if he was polite or nice to you then he could come home. He probably thinks that he didn't HAVE to be nice to you but he is doing it because he is a good guy. He clearly feels that you OWE him the lifestyle that he was accustomed to as a child/teen. Sure he moved out, did it 'on his own' but you bailed him out each time he came and acted remorseful and like he would start to fly right. He CLEARLY thinks that he can do what he wants as long as you don't know he is high/drunk while at your home. This is NOT what he NEEDS from you.

He NEEDS you to kick him out. To let him live whatever lifestyle he wants to afford with his own money. that is being an adult and it will result in either the decision to stay drunk/high or to get his koi together and do what he has to in order to eat and pay bills. He is SMART. So far he is using that intelligence to use and to drink and to get around your rules by following an absolute minimum that he has taught you is all you can expect from him. What is this teaching the other kids? I PROMISE that they are missing NOTHING. NOT. ONE. THING.

I was your other kids - the good grades, the chores, the jobs, the extracurriculars, the scholarships, etc.... I also had serious health issues. maybe in a way those were a blessing because I knew that if I used/drank and took my medications it would likely kill me. So if I wanted to drink? I skipped medications for a day or two. And I paid for it in huge increases in pain for several days. But mostly I did not drink or use because I didn't want to be ANYTHING like my gfgbro. I didn't want to hurt my folks that way, to abuse people that way, to waste my life that way.

I had a lot of friends who did follow older sibs into drugs/alcohol. They saw that their parents pretty much gave up and just kept shelling out the money as long as the sub abuse and general life wasting wasn't rubbed into their noses. Do you want the other kids to learn that they can go out until all hours, sleep all day if they don't have work, and they can live a lifestyle that is enormously above their means too? Or do you want them to make other choices? How you handle this WILL have an impact on their life choices also.

Let him go live on what he is earning until he gets tired enough to make some changes. After you see real, actual PROOF of these changes, then you can offer some minimal help. If he continues to make good choices, then you can think about offering to pay for school.

You need to do this for ALL of your kids. Not just difficult child.

 

[toughlovin]

I think Susie makes a really good point about the other kids. As much as I worry about our difficult child it has become really clear to me that kicking him out and not having him in the home during all the angst and chaos that is his life has been a huge benefit to my easy child daughter. She is 17 and doing great and applying for college etc. She and I are close and have a great relationship. I dont think we would if my difficult child was still home and causing all the chaost and strife and tension at home. When he was home I was glad for Monday mornings so I could get out of the house and I am sure my daughter would have found any possible to get out of the house. Instead she spends time at home (as well as out with her firends) and she brings her friends here. Home is a peaceful place as it should be.

It is so easy as a parent to get caught up in the problems child issues and problems and take the good child for granted...it makes me very glad we had a good therapist for her at the time who helped us see we needed to pay attention to her needs too.

TL

 

[Signorina]

Agree wholeheartedly TL & SS. Fortunately, we have no chaos. PC15 & difficult child are close, and difficult child is VERY mindful of his need to be a good role model. And really - they talk mostly football. difficult child helped pc15 study for finals this week. Plus they are on opposite schedules- by the time easy child gets home - difficult child is at work. (New job is 3-11) if there was even a hint of anything detrimental to easy child - difficult child would be out.

We're pretty connected to pc15, he knows the scoop & we maintain communication. Having his brother back in our lives has been good for him. If anything, difficult child is more a 2nd class citizen here and that's clear. It's odd as the parent- so used to cutting the brownies into exactly equal pieces- but we don't give to or pay a dime toward anything for difficult child. We make family plans without him - though we include him if he requests when possible. Like tonight- h bought court side NBA tix and is taking easy child to the game & dinner. difficult child was not invited. We don't make plans for him. Contrastingly, if pc18 came home- we'd move heaven & earth to find a 3rd ticket or h would give up his so they could go together.

On a surprising good note- difficult child volunteered to put up the outside lights for me.

 

[DDD]

I understand your fear, your pain, your disappointment and likely your other emotions too. My perspective is not the same as many in our family and I rarely advocate for the "kick em out" method. on the other hand I understand that there has to be zero tolerance for violence, drug use in the family home and totally disruptive behaviors. Those are givens.

on the other hand I believe that alot of our difficult child's (particularly boys) are behind the curve in maturity and emotional development. In the cases where pot and other drug use was introduced in the teen years, in my humble opinion, there is stunted development. Instead of going through the standard pain and frustration of youth they hid from any unpleasantness by living in a haze where nothing was demanded of them by themselves. Getting by was the goal.

Then, I believe, if they are lucky enough to have a normal loving family they need to draw strength from that normalcy to shore up their inner feelings of being losers. They don't want to be life failures. They have peers who have stayed the course and are functioning healthily. Thy're in a fight with themselves that they can't win without respite at home. For some it takes a couple of years and for others it takes longer....but if they are making any progress I think it is something to be thankful for in your heart.

Your emotions are normal and many of us have been there done that. He is not meeting your expectations or his own but he is seeking the comfort of home, following the rules, and soaking up the love. If he sees that you and the other family members are functioning in a positive way...it will serve as an example that he, too, can make it. Hugs DDD

 

[InsaneCdn]

On a surprising good note- difficult child volunteered to put up the outside lights for me.​

​

That's a positive, for sure.