What if your kid was one race, but only wanted to be around white people?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Sep 16, 2012.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sure, Jumper was brought up in a white home (albeit with an asian sister and a very black brother), but in a mostly white area. It is changing, but she has told me she doesn't really like black guys, so she doesn't want to date any. Maybe it makes sense because many of them come from Milwaukee and act like gangstas, but not all of them. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. I want her to meet people of all ethnicities, just as I did my biological son, who IS white.

    Jumper is not interested. In fact, she has already decided where she is going to college and it is a tech school with a dorm in a very white neighborhood near a white college in the same town where she'd like to transfer after two years. There are few blacks, asians, Native Americans or anything other than white. I can't force her and any conversation about it just makes her roll her teenage eyes. Jumper is a lighter skinned child, but it is obvious she is part black. Since she broke up with J, she says she doesn't want a boyfriend, but maybe she just isn't asked out...people here do date out of their ethnicity, but...who knows?

    Again, she doesn't seem bothered at all. She loves the town, the school, and the town she wants to go to college in. I'm feeling guilty for not taking her to live in a more diverse town. But it is what it is...she was brought up here and it's a great place to live and she loves it. Her Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) brother also has no interest in his roots. When his social worker asked if he wanted to learn more about his ethnicity, he said, "Nah, that's ok." I care less about Sonic though. Being Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), he is such a different type of person.

    Jumper is a typical teen with a good head on her shoulders, as I've often said. Would you just let it go? She does not seem unhappy in any way and has tons of friends. She is currently playing volleyball, is in the student council, joining drama (that should be a hoot...it's NOT her thing) and is planning on running for Prom Queen (Junior Year is THE year in this school...there is no senior prom). She is going to prom with a guy who is a friend. She is going to homecoming with her GIRLFRLIENDS...lol. Ok! She claims very few have dates. She does not appear upset.

    Is this just more of my nonstop worrying or is this actually a serious issue? I worry about her social life if she stays in mostly white towns, but she isn't the least bit worried. At the crux of the matter, of course, is that I want her to have the fun and angst of teenage romances. Maybe however she is not asked out as much as some girls because she and her friends do not have sex and are clear about that to the boys. Maybe it is the faster girls who have boyfriends. Maybe it isn't about her skin color at all...hmmmmmm...

    All thoughts welcome.
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I wouldn't worry too much about it. If the RIGHT guy comes along that is a different ethinicity, she may change her mind. If it's not really interfering with her social life, I would leave it alone. She's a bright girl and knows what she wants. Who knows what the future will bring. This is her thinking right now at this point in time. Things change and people change right along with them. She'll be okay.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree with TeDo. Jumper knows her own mind. When the right guy comes along and snags her interest his race is not going to factor into the equation.
  4. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Now then MWM, with all the things there are to worry about, don't go bothering trouble :)
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    That would be MY take on it... but of course, I'm Canadian (we have our own issues, just different...)
    These days, most of the guys "worth having" are too busy getting their feet under them to do much dating until they get to college... and the other guys are not worth having.
    She's probably doing just fine, thank you, at this present time... and WILL do fine in the future.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think this is something to put far back into basket C. In fact do we have a basket D?

    When I was a teen my type was the little blond surfer types. Not that they had to surf but they had shaggy hair, werent much taller than me, fairly skinny and all had light hair. Guess what I married and what Tony looks like? My first husband was 6 foot tall, jet black hair and bore an uncanny resemblance to Donny Osmond. (Doesnt now!) Tony is 6'2", Indian, weighed about 240 when I met him and had dark curly hair. Who would have thought it? LOL
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    ...AAAAANNNNDDDD... My type was stocky, light LONG LONG hair, blue eyes.

    First hubby? Skinny, dark brown short hair, brown eyes...

    husband? Skinny, dark brown short hair... Hazel/brown eyes.

    Nah, I wouldn't worry about it. She will find the right person in her own time.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I agree with everyone else...this is soooo not an important issue. When Jumper meets the right person, she will know and skin color or ethnicity won't matter. Just let her talk about it, nod your head politely, etc., but I wouldn't have a 'discussion' about it at all. She is still fairly young to be worrying about what or who her life mate will be, Know what I mean??

    That said, I do get what you're saying. We all want our kids to grow up and feel a connection with their birth ethnicity and have a connection to all humans,not based on color or background, etc. She has that...she's still young and young people around her age and place in life like to have definitions about who they are and where they fit it, etc. It used to drive me crazy with both easy child and difficult child, but I learned to sort of tune it out. Eventually, they got over themselves and became way more open than I ever expected.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We had the funniest conversation yesterday afternoon and I have no idea if you will find this as funny as we did or not. We tend to have an odd sense of humor because my family is mixed race.

    We were talking about Pocahontas and John Smith. Well you know how everyone claims that he kidnapped her and took her back to England blah blah blah. Well that isnt true, she wanted her a little of that pretty white skin and went back to England with him and then came back with him. Her daddy told her to just let those folks sit over there on the coast and starve during the winter and they would go home but instead she liked him so well she taught them how to grow corn to last and eat and such. Then as we were talking about all this...Tony looked over at Mandy and said "Mandy, you know how it is to want some of that pretty little white boy dont you?" LOL. (referring to Cory)
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You are SO lucky! She is looking past race and toward school!

    My son is the opposite. He identifies with-gangsta rap and we have emphasized how violent and sexist it is. We have many friends of all races but frankly, they all fit into "our" lifestyle, so it's not very exciting to him.
    He will eventually meet a girl who is his soulmate, and he will be surprised when he realizes it's about empathy and respect more than anything else.

    I would back off and count your lucky stars that she isn't obsessed with-fitting in ... whatever that means. :)
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks all. Not sure she'll meet different ethnicities much where she wants to live...lol. We'll see.

    Terry, I'm VERY grateful she has no interest in gangsta types of any race. My older daughter, when she was into drugs, was great at bringing home gangsta white boys. Now that she has found a few of them on Face Book, just out of curiousity, almost all of them are just getting out of jail or waiting to go to jail. THAT is a trainwreck!
  12. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Agree with all of the other posters. How she feels today may not be how she feels when she actually meets the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I liked tall, dark handsome, high maintenance, entitled and slightly reckless boys. Dated a slew of them (and the best of the bunch is now out of the closet & still my closest friend LOL) My heart was stolen by a shorter, dishwater blonde, green eyed guy with a trashy family and NO sense of style. I fell fast and hard for him and still love him with every inch of my being 25 years later.
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You'll be surprised at the variety of people she meets, though, once she's out into the workforce. My Uni classes were 98% white (and 90% male)... the workforce (same field) is about 70% white (and 60% male).
  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am Italian but swore I would NEVER date an Italian.....and I did 1 time...and it was awful, just as I suspected. Too controlling for me. I know not ALL Italian men are like this, but it just made me not want to ever date one again.

    I dated a black man and it also turned out awful....again not all relationships with a black male would have gone this way. Oddly, I would have dated another black male if I had not married my non-descript (haha! Do not tell him that!) husband. He is a white male.

    So, while I do think there is a preconceived notion for her.....it is nothing to worry about. We all make some kind of judgement on who/what race we want to date.
  15. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I have two children, both girls, one white one bi-racial mixed african american/white daughter. wow that is a mouthful. Never realized that because I never really put that on anything. Just mixed, white, but anyway. My mixed daughter is not interested in black men, she just is not attracted to them. its her preferance and I understand it. At one time, I was only attracted to black men and then later I was attracted to my youngest daughters father who was a red neck hillbilly. I don't know how that happened but it did. They love each other very much, but trully are two totally different people, like night and day. lol. Jumper sounds like an intelligent young woman, and I am sure she will be fine. We really don't get to influence their choices, when they get older they make their very own decisions. From the what you have said about Jumper she is a very smart girl and very wise for her age. She's gonna do fine. She probably has picked out a place that she thinks she will do well in and thrive. I saw pictures of her at one of her dances before and she really is a beautiful girl. She'll probably attract a bunch of different type of guys. You never know who will steal her heart.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    So maybe keep that in mind with Jumpers choices .........allow her to make mistakes and learn from them to round her as a person in life.......and if she happens to be color blind? Well - then consider it a plus in HER personality.
  17. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    MWM, another one who suggests that you let it go and not worry about it.

    I am mixed race (black, east indian and white), but look mostly black. I was raised by my (very) British parents in a predominantly Anglo-Canadian neighbourhood. Most of my friends have always been Anglo-Canadian types too, regardless of what colour or ethnic origin they are. In other words, mostly born in Canada and raised in similar neighbourhoods to the one I grew up in.

    I have always found the focus on colour and "my roots" to be insufferable, rather than enlightened. As I once told someone who was trying to insist that I call myself "African-Canadian" rather than black, "I've never been to Africa, and would be completely confused if I ever found myself there. And why would I have more in common with someone who's fresh off the plane from Ethiopia who happens to be the same colour as I am, than someone who grew up around the corner from me who happens to be white?"

    Jumper is gravitating to kids just like her, as is Sonic. Regardless of what colour they happen to be, the friends Jumper is choosing share cultural references that she won't share with the black kids who were raised in a different environment. Leave her be, she knows what she's doing.

  18. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Oh, and MWM, with regard to Jumper not getting asked out as much as the other girls, I have a feeling it's nothing to do with her colour. More likely, she's beautiful and popular, involved in lots of activities, knows her own mind and is confident in her convictions. That's a pretty intimidating package for your average high school boy. Add the fact that she has a big, strapping brother, and that seals the deal.

    I remember one year, when I came home from university for Reading Week (like your Spring Break), and I ran into a bunch of guys I knew from high school. After a few drinks, one of them confessed that he (and others) always wanted to ask me out, but that my older brother had threatened to thrash anyone who so much as looked at his little sister. It certainly explained a lot about my social life in high school.

    Jumper is probably happy to be boyfriend-free at the moment, especially after all of the drama with J.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What I'm really afraid of, due to prejudices, that she will find herself alone. I know that is not what she wants. Of course, being the overprotective mother I am, I worry that the caucasian boys she will mostly come into contact with will not want to know her beyond friendship (she has LOTS of friends). Going to LaCrosse WI for college isn't going to send her into any sort of mixed environment. I mean, what if the boys she likes just don't want to date partly black girls?
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I guess, Trinity and I being Canadian, we don't quite have the full picture... because some of this IS a bit different in the US.

    But I'm with Trinity. Seriously? And given time and experience and maturity...?

    Jumper WILL find a good match. Of whatever race or color - but it will be someone with a "white" culture.
    I have friends like that... she, lily-white, he of mixed race (partially black) adopted as an infant into an all-white home. They are from just about opposite sides of the country... The key factor to how they get along is the common culture - not the common skin color. And yes, some white males won't want a woman of color - and some white women won't want a man of color. But color-blindness is rising.

    Then again, I'm white, married to a white - and we didn't find each other until our very late 20s. Whether and how much you date in HS and College is NOT an indicator of where you end up!