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What is a lie?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 658408" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Yes, I think your sister's efforts to discredit you to yourself, in your own mind, are things your sister is doing with malice aforethought and by intent.</p><p></p><p>That is what they do, SWOT.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what satisfaction they take from that.</p><p></p><p>SWOT, I want you to know I have enjoyed our conversations regarding family of origin. You have helped me clear things here that family of origin group therapy was unable to address, let alone heal. I do feel healed around these issues now, SWOT.</p><p></p><p>I want you to know I deeply appreciate everything you have done for me.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No, I don't think so. You carry the scars; anxiety, toxic shame. You did not imagine that, anymore than I imagined my own. That feeling of disbelief though runs through the thoughts of everyone hurt as we were. It doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense that these things could have happened. Who would do such things, and why, we ask ourselves. We think it must not have happened in just the way we remember it ~ or maybe, that it didn't happen at all.</p><p></p><p>But the healing process is the same for each of us, SWOT.</p><p></p><p>At the end, we believe what we knew was true, all along.</p><p></p><p>We no longer see ourselves through our abusers' eyes. We see our abusers through our eyes, now.</p><p></p><p>And once we know what was true about the way we grew up, the thing that happens next is that we let it go. I rarely think about my sister or my mom now, except for when I am here, working through it.</p><p></p><p>But I have a set point now, an incidence of abuse that I know beyond doubt is what happened. I know now that it was not only my mom, but my sister too, using me, twisting me and each other, for purposes I don't understand. But I do know this about abusive people: Sooner or later, they abuse everyone with whom they have contact. They leave a string of broken or puzzled people behind them.</p><p></p><p>It isn't just you they destroy. It isn't just me. It's everyone with whom they are involved. If you look into the patterns of their lives, there those same patterns will be.</p><p></p><p>That is how you can verify what you know.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No, or you would not have the scars.</p><p></p><p>And you do have the scars. One of the things that happens when we are abused is that locus of control is shifted to outside ourselves. We question our realities, just as you are doing, now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Here is another way to see this: <em>Your own sister pursues and tries to undermine your healing.</em> If the situation were reversed SWOT ~ if it were your sister who were trying with her whole heart to reclaim herself <em>what would your response to her be?</em></p><p></p><p>It would be to help her.</p><p></p><p>I know this about you.</p><p></p><p>You would help.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That seems to be what they do. </p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I think the sibs' know.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>No.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>She must be invested somehow in the family legend she created and believes. I am sorry you do not have a sister. Like me, you probably never did have a loyal, loving sister. Like me, you may have had something different, someone who knew your secrets but who was never loyal or trustworthy or kind to you in all of your life.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>We never did have those sisters we loved, SWOT.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>That hurts, but it is better to know.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Then we can go on with our lives, not thinking of them in those same ways that left us so vulnerable to their manipulations.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>That is what we need to do, now. Let everything we believed about our sisters go, and believe that it is what it looks like and nothing more.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, that is alright. You will be stronger and stronger, now that you have begun to question and order your memories, whether you post to us here about it or not. Most of us, people with loving sisters and brothers, trust them. We have not trusted our sisters, or been able to depend on our brothers. We display that hyper-alertness around them that all victims of abuse feel toward their abusers. That should have been a key for us all. But we couldn't see it and refused to believe that could be right when we did. But that's okay. There are people without siblings, and they are just fine.</p><p></p><p>I think we have done really good work, here.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 658408, member: 17461"] Yes, I think your sister's efforts to discredit you to yourself, in your own mind, are things your sister is doing with malice aforethought and by intent. That is what they do, SWOT. I don't know what satisfaction they take from that. SWOT, I want you to know I have enjoyed our conversations regarding family of origin. You have helped me clear things here that family of origin group therapy was unable to address, let alone heal. I do feel healed around these issues now, SWOT. I want you to know I deeply appreciate everything you have done for me. Cedar No, I don't think so. You carry the scars; anxiety, toxic shame. You did not imagine that, anymore than I imagined my own. That feeling of disbelief though runs through the thoughts of everyone hurt as we were. It doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense that these things could have happened. Who would do such things, and why, we ask ourselves. We think it must not have happened in just the way we remember it ~ or maybe, that it didn't happen at all. But the healing process is the same for each of us, SWOT. At the end, we believe what we knew was true, all along. We no longer see ourselves through our abusers' eyes. We see our abusers through our eyes, now. And once we know what was true about the way we grew up, the thing that happens next is that we let it go. I rarely think about my sister or my mom now, except for when I am here, working through it. But I have a set point now, an incidence of abuse that I know beyond doubt is what happened. I know now that it was not only my mom, but my sister too, using me, twisting me and each other, for purposes I don't understand. But I do know this about abusive people: Sooner or later, they abuse everyone with whom they have contact. They leave a string of broken or puzzled people behind them. It isn't just you they destroy. It isn't just me. It's everyone with whom they are involved. If you look into the patterns of their lives, there those same patterns will be. That is how you can verify what you know. No, or you would not have the scars. And you do have the scars. One of the things that happens when we are abused is that locus of control is shifted to outside ourselves. We question our realities, just as you are doing, now. Here is another way to see this: [I]Your own sister pursues and tries to undermine your healing.[/I] If the situation were reversed SWOT ~ if it were your sister who were trying with her whole heart to reclaim herself [I]what would your response to her be?[/I] It would be to help her. I know this about you. You would help. That seems to be what they do. [I] I think the sibs' know. No. She must be invested somehow in the family legend she created and believes. I am sorry you do not have a sister. Like me, you probably never did have a loyal, loving sister. Like me, you may have had something different, someone who knew your secrets but who was never loyal or trustworthy or kind to you in all of your life. We never did have those sisters we loved, SWOT. That hurts, but it is better to know. Then we can go on with our lives, not thinking of them in those same ways that left us so vulnerable to their manipulations. [/I] That is what we need to do, now. Let everything we believed about our sisters go, and believe that it is what it looks like and nothing more. Yes! Well, that is alright. You will be stronger and stronger, now that you have begun to question and order your memories, whether you post to us here about it or not. Most of us, people with loving sisters and brothers, trust them. We have not trusted our sisters, or been able to depend on our brothers. We display that hyper-alertness around them that all victims of abuse feel toward their abusers. That should have been a key for us all. But we couldn't see it and refused to believe that could be right when we did. But that's okay. There are people without siblings, and they are just fine. I think we have done really good work, here. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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