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What is a lie?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 658560" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>If nobody else in the world gets it, I do. They are good at putting on a "normal, nice" face and fool people. But there is an underlying meanness or maybe damage from the past or whatever. How they behave is not how they are deep inside if they allow you a spat of their thoughts.</p><p></p><p>I still have the last e-mail conversation with my sissy in my e-mail which I can look at to see it in black and white...she was trying to bait me and I wouldn't take the bait. This is new for me and it makes me feel good about myself.</p><p></p><p>Now the one thing I need to 100% stop is ever going to her site and seeing if she's still watching this one. I usually have tons of willpower. I can lose weight, pass up a chocolate cake when everyone is eating, turn down booze w hen everyone is drinking even if it makes me feel kind of like an outsider, make a decision and stick to it...except when it comes to not engaging in my FOO. That's why I said this no contact stuff is deeper than just "You aren't good for me." No, we aren't. But neither is her boyfriend good for her and she knows it and she has been with him for five years.</p><p></p><p>No, this is stuff buried way from the past in our dysfunctional FOO and it starts before we were ever born. But it was given to us and all of us suffered. The parents raise the kids and set the stage for the future and there relationships with other people, especially their significant others. The first time I picked one who talked to me just like SHE talked to me and I thought it was normal, even though being called "dumb" made me cry, like it had when my mother said stuff like that to me. (He never called me selfish. At least he wasn't trying to gaslight me. Most men would have thought I was either lazy or not up to speed due to all my neurological differences...it was literally hard for me to stack a cabinet neatly). Still...I lived with him for seventeen years and adopted kids with him, truly convinced, although not really, that we had a good marriage. I didn't actually think so, but I thought it was because of me, not him. I didn''t see it as two way. I thought it was all me, just as Is thought my getting screamed at as a child was all my fault because I was "bad." It never crossed my mind that anyone else was culpable too.</p><p></p><p>I have decided to stop lying to myself that I disconnected emotionaly from Thing 2 while I still check her site to see if she's been here. I haven't done it often, but I shouldn't do it at all. Since I do have strong willpower, I am going to exert to stop all contaact with her, and that includes the stuff she may write about me on another site or if she is reading this. </p><p></p><p>She is renting too much space in my heade (see my post about people renting space in your head on PE). I know myself and if I truly go no contact at all, in a way that we don't communicate even by checking each other posts on sites out, I will move on without her. I can do it. I've done it before. I did it when she didn't talk to me for three years and if she had not come back, I would have been fine. I wish she had the she hadn't. I think she felt she was doing me a tremendous favor, although that is conjecture. </p><p></p><p>So I'm renting out her room in my head to myself. I feel much better about the entire situation than I did when I first saw her post about how I was never abused (in her opinion, of course). I can laugh about it now and no longer care. </p><p></p><p>Do you know what anger is?</p><p></p><p>Pain and hurt.</p><p></p><p>I don't feel anger anymore. And talking to you two about my mother was cleansing too. She was hateful. She hated me, at least. She disowned me as if I were not born to her. She had never loved me. She abused me from the time I was little. I know this. It will not happen with my father. This event will never happen again. It is over. She is gone. I did not grieve her passing. I will try to keep my head free of renters...lol.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I'm not quite sure which thread I read it on so I want to tell you how interesting it was to read about your amazing, intelligent children. They sound smart and unique just like you. Your daughter is fascinating!!!</p><p></p><p>I am still here. I will still talk about issues. I am just talking with less anger these days. </p><p></p><p>Have a good day! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 658560, member: 1550"] If nobody else in the world gets it, I do. They are good at putting on a "normal, nice" face and fool people. But there is an underlying meanness or maybe damage from the past or whatever. How they behave is not how they are deep inside if they allow you a spat of their thoughts. I still have the last e-mail conversation with my sissy in my e-mail which I can look at to see it in black and white...she was trying to bait me and I wouldn't take the bait. This is new for me and it makes me feel good about myself. Now the one thing I need to 100% stop is ever going to her site and seeing if she's still watching this one. I usually have tons of willpower. I can lose weight, pass up a chocolate cake when everyone is eating, turn down booze w hen everyone is drinking even if it makes me feel kind of like an outsider, make a decision and stick to it...except when it comes to not engaging in my FOO. That's why I said this no contact stuff is deeper than just "You aren't good for me." No, we aren't. But neither is her boyfriend good for her and she knows it and she has been with him for five years. No, this is stuff buried way from the past in our dysfunctional FOO and it starts before we were ever born. But it was given to us and all of us suffered. The parents raise the kids and set the stage for the future and there relationships with other people, especially their significant others. The first time I picked one who talked to me just like SHE talked to me and I thought it was normal, even though being called "dumb" made me cry, like it had when my mother said stuff like that to me. (He never called me selfish. At least he wasn't trying to gaslight me. Most men would have thought I was either lazy or not up to speed due to all my neurological differences...it was literally hard for me to stack a cabinet neatly). Still...I lived with him for seventeen years and adopted kids with him, truly convinced, although not really, that we had a good marriage. I didn't actually think so, but I thought it was because of me, not him. I didn''t see it as two way. I thought it was all me, just as Is thought my getting screamed at as a child was all my fault because I was "bad." It never crossed my mind that anyone else was culpable too. I have decided to stop lying to myself that I disconnected emotionaly from Thing 2 while I still check her site to see if she's been here. I haven't done it often, but I shouldn't do it at all. Since I do have strong willpower, I am going to exert to stop all contaact with her, and that includes the stuff she may write about me on another site or if she is reading this. She is renting too much space in my heade (see my post about people renting space in your head on PE). I know myself and if I truly go no contact at all, in a way that we don't communicate even by checking each other posts on sites out, I will move on without her. I can do it. I've done it before. I did it when she didn't talk to me for three years and if she had not come back, I would have been fine. I wish she had the she hadn't. I think she felt she was doing me a tremendous favor, although that is conjecture. So I'm renting out her room in my head to myself. I feel much better about the entire situation than I did when I first saw her post about how I was never abused (in her opinion, of course). I can laugh about it now and no longer care. Do you know what anger is? Pain and hurt. I don't feel anger anymore. And talking to you two about my mother was cleansing too. She was hateful. She hated me, at least. She disowned me as if I were not born to her. She had never loved me. She abused me from the time I was little. I know this. It will not happen with my father. This event will never happen again. It is over. She is gone. I did not grieve her passing. I will try to keep my head free of renters...lol. Cedar, I'm not quite sure which thread I read it on so I want to tell you how interesting it was to read about your amazing, intelligent children. They sound smart and unique just like you. Your daughter is fascinating!!! I am still here. I will still talk about issues. I am just talking with less anger these days. Have a good day! :) [/QUOTE]
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