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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 667991" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>We asked D H brother to take our son in when he was nineteen. We are not sure what happened, but there are still bad feelings between our son and that brother. Our son came home again after something like six weeks. During the time our son was living with the brother, we were a little ashamed about what was happening, but mostly, we were so grateful the brother agreed to take him ~ that he would do this, for us and for our son.</p><p></p><p>After it was over, that is what we told the brother. That we were grateful he had taken our son in.</p><p></p><p>I have never asked the brother what happened, there. </p><p></p><p>Jabber's sister is very kind, to have taken the girlfriend in, too.</p><p></p><p>You never know. Maybe the kids will be able to do well in that environment. </p><p></p><p>However it works out, that extended family is involved can be a double edged sword. The kids will have their reasons for having taken their lives where they have taken them. Mostly, for us, that involved blaming us to anyone who would listen. Listening to the child's rationalizations changes the dynamic between family members for a time. For D H and I, there was nothing to say, so we didn't say anything.</p><p></p><p>That is part of the reason I post about needing to know in our hearts the why behind the actions we take where our troubled kids are concerned. It is a very hard thing to figure out how to parent a child who will not launch. You have come through that, you and Jabber, very well. When we have taken the actions we believe will change things for our child ~ which is horrifically hard ~ and the child still refuses to launch, and extended family becomes involved, there will be a time when it feels like we are being seen through a distorted, microscopically focused lens. The child justifies his position to extended family just as he justified his positions and belief systems to us. Only this time, we are the reason why. Not the teacher. Not the friends. Not the weather that day. We threw them out with nothing. We were overbearing jerks, and etc. There is no one to speak for us. We cannot speak for ourselves without ruining the child's chances in the new environment.</p><p></p><p>A powerless feeling.</p><p></p><p>It helped us to remember that there is no bad guy, here. It is the situation that is wrong and hurtful. Not us. Not our troubled child. </p><p></p><p>Not our extended family, who are not sure how to understand what they hear.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard to come through it. It feels outrageously unfair. We are already in a roil of emotion where the child is concerned. If we knew how to fix it, the child would be away at school, doing well and making great strides toward the future we dreamed for them, instead of moving in with one member of extended family and then, another.</p><p></p><p>Probably, justifying themselves by blaming us the whole time.</p><p></p><p>So, if this works well for your son, good. If it doesn't, realize the sister is going to feel confused, and is going to be blamed, and is not going to know how to handle her feelings regarding what's happened either. Holding an attitude of "Somehow, we'll all get through this." helped us.</p><p></p><p>There wasn't one easy or pleasant thing about any of it. Practice radical acceptance. Don't defend. Don't explain, unless you are asked a direct question. Pray this is the answer for your child. Stay in a place of gratitude, if you can.</p><p></p><p>If you haven't read Sarah ban Breathnack's Simple Abundance, I found that helped me with the gratitude piece. If we can stay in a place of gratitude, there will not be room for anger.</p><p></p><p>But it was a very hard thing.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 667991, member: 17461"] We asked D H brother to take our son in when he was nineteen. We are not sure what happened, but there are still bad feelings between our son and that brother. Our son came home again after something like six weeks. During the time our son was living with the brother, we were a little ashamed about what was happening, but mostly, we were so grateful the brother agreed to take him ~ that he would do this, for us and for our son. After it was over, that is what we told the brother. That we were grateful he had taken our son in. I have never asked the brother what happened, there. Jabber's sister is very kind, to have taken the girlfriend in, too. You never know. Maybe the kids will be able to do well in that environment. However it works out, that extended family is involved can be a double edged sword. The kids will have their reasons for having taken their lives where they have taken them. Mostly, for us, that involved blaming us to anyone who would listen. Listening to the child's rationalizations changes the dynamic between family members for a time. For D H and I, there was nothing to say, so we didn't say anything. That is part of the reason I post about needing to know in our hearts the why behind the actions we take where our troubled kids are concerned. It is a very hard thing to figure out how to parent a child who will not launch. You have come through that, you and Jabber, very well. When we have taken the actions we believe will change things for our child ~ which is horrifically hard ~ and the child still refuses to launch, and extended family becomes involved, there will be a time when it feels like we are being seen through a distorted, microscopically focused lens. The child justifies his position to extended family just as he justified his positions and belief systems to us. Only this time, we are the reason why. Not the teacher. Not the friends. Not the weather that day. We threw them out with nothing. We were overbearing jerks, and etc. There is no one to speak for us. We cannot speak for ourselves without ruining the child's chances in the new environment. A powerless feeling. It helped us to remember that there is no bad guy, here. It is the situation that is wrong and hurtful. Not us. Not our troubled child. Not our extended family, who are not sure how to understand what they hear. It is very hard to come through it. It feels outrageously unfair. We are already in a roil of emotion where the child is concerned. If we knew how to fix it, the child would be away at school, doing well and making great strides toward the future we dreamed for them, instead of moving in with one member of extended family and then, another. Probably, justifying themselves by blaming us the whole time. So, if this works well for your son, good. If it doesn't, realize the sister is going to feel confused, and is going to be blamed, and is not going to know how to handle her feelings regarding what's happened either. Holding an attitude of "Somehow, we'll all get through this." helped us. There wasn't one easy or pleasant thing about any of it. Practice radical acceptance. Don't defend. Don't explain, unless you are asked a direct question. Pray this is the answer for your child. Stay in a place of gratitude, if you can. If you haven't read Sarah ban Breathnack's Simple Abundance, I found that helped me with the gratitude piece. If we can stay in a place of gratitude, there will not be room for anger. But it was a very hard thing. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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