What is it he wants?

[mog]

UGH!! we have been fighting for so long about him getting SSI and now that he was told that he "won" his settlement but we have to wait for the official decision I am really worried. My husband has been drinking a lot now and then with my brother who was also deciding what he wanted to do now. So my husband went with my brother to set him up at his new place and was sad since he is no longer close by to hang out. husband started drinking a lot more than usual and I have slowed down considerably. When difficult child came home i did not drink at all well actually before he came home I had not had anything for a while because my niece is quitting and I was trying to support her too. Anyway yesterday he had so much he could not walk so tonight I asked if we could talk about it and he got mad because he said i was yelling and when I calming showed him that I was not it made him more agitated and he threw his cane. When I calmly tried to point this out he started yelling at me that I did not understand how he was no longer a man. I tried to tell him that he is still the most important MAN in all of our lives and it just made him more angry.. Every time that I try to talk to him it just makes him more angry. I feel like he is using this to have an excuse to leave me.
I dont know anymore what the heck is going on.I am so overwhelmed i do not know what direction to go

 

[timer lady]

mog, the time to confront a person (or assure him, comfort, whatever) with a drinking issue is when that person is sober - not on the edge of falling down drunk. Like our difficult children in a rage, little will get through.

You won't know what he wants until husband is ready to talk. I will say however when my husband was unemployed & finishing his degree he felt awful about himself. "A man is supposed to take care of his family" was husband's frequent comment. Didn't matter that his industry was severely depressed or that he finished up his degree & landed a wonderful job. At that time husband felt horrible about himself & had little self esteem left.

Your husband will open up or he won't. In the meantime, don't feel the need to walk about on eggs fearing one will break. Offer your husband your support (if that is what you want) then go about your life as you see fit.

Just some thoughts for you, my dear.

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with Timer Lady,

Finding oneself on disability is a shock to a persons self esteem. While you feel a sense of relief that you won the battle to get the decision, you also feel a sense of failure as a person. At least I know I did. I was mad, sad, glad and depressed all at the same time. I felt like I was of little use to the world and my family anymore. Of course, just getting the decision didnt make the disability any more real because I had been disabled for a long, long time but it made it more final, more real in the eyes of some legal entity. I had desperately wanted that but then it also came as a sense of "ok, this is really it, now I know for sure it really is as bad as I knew all along." I dont know if that makes a bit of sense.

I think the anger does lessen in time. I know it did with me. I have seen my son struggle with being frustrated with the man of the house syndrome and it is hard on him. His physical problems are getting worse with age and it really worries me.