What is the best way forward from here?


New Member
Ok first post I'm new and I'm glad I found this site. I live in the UK so our laws are different but reading other posts the struggle is not. I've been dealing with my first borns problems for 4 years now. He's now 18. He left school 2 years ago and had been pretty much drifting since. He did manage 6 months full time work with his natural father for 6 months almost 6 months ago but currently his days are spent smoking cannabis riding his bike whilst high and turning up to his low paid part time job when he can be bothered. A lot of his behaviour I have put down to his age and insecurity at growing up and I've excused him as being depressed.. I know he has mental health problems which are undiagnosed and for which he has not sought help despite U.S. Seeking this. Each time he gets near to sorting he finds an excuse not to. Anyway I have been trying to practice tough love and have ejected him from the family home twice now for stealing to fund his drug problem. The last time being just two weeks ago. I was again met with tears and regrets for his stealing from a younger sibling and he finally admitted he has an addiction that he can't control.. But sadly despite this and a promise that he wants to change I know he continues to smoke weed on a daily basis and although I know he arranged drug counselling he did not go.. Tonight I know he has again gone out on his motorbike to get high and i wonder how much longer i must sit on this merry go around. I feel that the only way forward is to eject him from my home and from my support, but I also know he is simply unable to cope with this as the drugs have impacted his maturity. what do I do? And how do I get the strength to be strong enough to do it?


I am sorry for what you are going through. Can you get him in an in-patient rehab program, prefferably at least a month. A place that can do dual diagnosis would be best, to address depression etc. Now is the time to do it before he gets into hard drugs. Pot is bad enough as I went through that with a husband and a son. My husband smoked it almost every breath until he died from a stroke at 52. My son hhas since quit. But I digress. Rehab would give your son some coping skills and help him get started in a 12 step program like AA. AA is modeled after alcoholics but embraces all addictions. If rehab is not an option try to get him to a psychiatrist and a 12 step program. Make appointments and take him and stay with him. Depression is a funny thing. Sometimes no matter how much you want to do something, you just can't bring yourself to do it. Pot may be his way of trying to deal with it but it only compounds the problem. I hope some of this helps. My prayers are with you both.


Well-Known Member
I have been where you are.... and it is hard when they are so young! The hard balance is to continue to let them know you love him and support him, but at the same time being clear about your boundaries of not supporting him to do the wrong things or to use drugs/ It can be a fine and difficult line to walk.

There is no guarantee that anything you do will make a difference, so part of your goal has to be your own menal health and peace of mind.

We have taken the stand with our son over many years, that we will help him do the next right thingm but we will not enable him to do the next wrong thing or to use. He started smoking pot around age 13 and is now 23 and has been in many programs and rehabs. We did kick him out of the house when he was 18 but stayed in touchw ith him and let him know we loved him.....he has always called us when he was in trouble, and he has been in trouble with the law several times. We let him be homeless when he left a program and was clearly using drugs. We also got him into treatment when he was tired of being on the streets. We have been through several variations and reiterations of this. A year ago he moved out of state an dwas doing better. He started working steadily 6 months ago and is doing a lot of the right things.... we have stepped back and are letting go a lot as he is now an adult. And much to my surprise he has gotten to a place where he wants to stop drinking (Whch currently seems to be his drug of choice) and is now trying to figure out how to detox. This is from no pressure from us, we are keeping out mouths shut, but are communicating more.

So my advice is yes take a stand.... you cant have him live with you if you cant trust him (and you obviously cant) and yet let him know you still love him and do what you can to stay in touch with him.