What is the impact

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rmccart, Feb 4, 2013.

  1. rmccart

    rmccart New Member

    What possible impact on a 20 year old female could the over hearing of a parent being intimate have ? Looking for opinions and thoughts ?
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Momentary discomfort.
  3. rmccart

    rmccart New Member

    Do you think ???
    I would think so but unfortunately it goes deeper.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If it goes deeper, then there's more to the history... not necessarily things you know about, but...
    At 20? If I'd heard my parents, I'd have been "grossed out" but not disturbed. (Old people don't really do THAT do they?! yuck)
  5. rmccart

    rmccart New Member

    its not parent its parent with significant other.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If she is more than momentarily grossed out or mildly uncomfortable, then she needs to get some help. She is more than old enough to see that you are people, and a married couple and to ignore anything she overhears.

    If she is claiming it somehow hurt or 'damaged' her, she is manipulating you and/or very, very, mentally ill and in dire need of help.
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There are deeper issues here. You may never understand it, she may not even understand it herself at this point. But suffice it to say, she is obviously upset about it. It may have been a catalyst which sent her into an emotional spin. She may have thought she was Daddy's little girl and the reality of hearing you guys broke that childhood fantasy. It does go deeper for her. I hope someday she can communicate it all to you so you really understand it, but I wouldn't expect that. Sometimes we just don't know.
  8. rmccart

    rmccart New Member

    Some kind of Dialogue would be helpful so then I can possibly help her fill in the blanks
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are so earnest in your desire to reconnect with her, I admire that. Have you invited her to have that dialogue with you? Told her that you would be more then willing to answer any questions, offer any information, that you love her and want to reconnect but don't know how but you're willing to learn, if she will tell you? And, if not, that you love her enough to give her the space with that door always opened to her. That's how much you love her. Maybe she needs to hear just that. And, then all you can do is wait it out.
  10. rmccart

    rmccart New Member

    Patience is a tuffy.
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Could depend upon what exactly what overheard...

    Comparative comments, for example...as in "You are so much better than _________" or "My ex would NEVER do THAT for me!"

    or any sentiment that reveals her father's character in a completely different light...such as the sorts of things one might say during S/M activities...

    I would think something along those lines would make it very hard to look one's father in the eye over cornflakes the next morning...and/or she may have suddenly felt like the unwelcome "third wheel" and felt the need to get some space.
  12. rmccart

    rmccart New Member

    Good points daisey, nothing that extreme in my eyes, but Im not her so its all a matter of perspective.
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'd say she is an adult and needs to get over it.

  14. rmccart

    rmccart New Member

    theres is other things attached, anger over divorce, her feeling betrayed because there is someone else in my life ....
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    rmc... the "real" issue may not be what she actually heard, but some other event deep in the past that you don't know about - and what she heard may have triggered THAT event back to the surface.
  16. rmccart

    rmccart New Member

    CDN thats a very good point !
  17. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'll give you my perspective. I'm a child of divorce.....multiple divorces to be exact as my mom had issues holding on to husbands. It was her issue, not theirs. I don't get this whole deal with "my child is suffering emotional scars due to divorce" junk. (I'm being honest here) Because I certainly didn't and I never noticed any such thing with my sibs either. I'm not going to say we wouldn't have taken advantage of the situation if we thought we could use it to our advantage....but that is not quite the same thing. in my opinion this is what most kids are doing, especially if both parents are in the picture still. I call it the Guilt Trip Con. My bio dad didn't stay in the picture, nor did he pay support. And I was reminded of that every single day of my life. And you know what? I could've cared less. If he didn't want to be around us then that was his loss. We were dirt poor but we wore clothes and had food and a place to live......my mom provided that. I did however, have my mother's 2nd husband step into his role as Dad (and he will forever be my Dad although he passed away when I was 22). Mom divorced this man when I was 7. I saw him nearly every single day of my life until I left home at age 19, got married and moved out of state. Mom married twice more after that when I was 14 and when I was 20. I'll admit my sibs often used the Guilt Trip Con on my Dad, and it worked every single time they did it. Never worked with my mom except with the boys. This could range from I need 20 bucks for something to I just wrapped Dad's car around a telephone pole and by the way I was driving without a license and left the scene of the accident....... Why did they do it? I think that is obvious. They could continue whatever behavior they wanted and use the Guilt Trip Con as their excuse to lessen or eliminate the consequences. I've seen the con used by kids as young as 3.......and trust me, I know it when I see it.

    These are my thoughts..........and how I'd deal with my own kids.

    I'd take her to coffee or lunch or something. Neutral ground may be a good idea. Then I'd just talk about it. As a 20 yr old she might be uncomfortable with the idea of you being intimate with someone not her parent (but to be honest, she'd probably have the same reaction if it were a parent) and this is fairly typical. However, she's an adult and needs to get over it already. I'm not talking about just the intimacy part but the whole divorce thing.

    You need to tell her she needs to get over it. You can do it in a nice way but make the point clear, you're giving her no sympathy for it. The divorce was between you and her parent, not between you, her parent, and her. How would she feel if you liked someone she married, the relationship was intolerable and you told her she couldn't divorce or dump them because you love them as if they're your child too? I'd imagine she'd tell you get over it already that she is not going to stay in a relationship and be miserable for YOUR sake. Know what I mean?? Same goes for your SO right now. That quite frankly, is none of her business. She is not a minor living in your home subjected to this person whether she chooses to be or not. She is an adult unaffected personally by your SO except to be respectful and polite in SO's presence out of respect for you. If that develops into a friendship or closer relationship, well fine, but it's not required or necessary. The intimacy part.....well that is just plain YOUR business, period. To run this point home if she really tries to lay it on thick you can tell her that you expect her to remain celibate then because the very thought of your baby girl having intimate relations with someone is traumatic for you.

    Usually turning it around so that the shoe is on the other foot is enough to get them to see they have ridiculous expectations. If it doesn't, then it simply isn't your problem and she will either deal with it or not. Showing sympathy only makes it worse.

    I hated my mom's 3rd husband. He was loud, rude, pompous, abusive (verbally), argumentative........ To this day I have no clue what my mother ever saw in the man as he's as different from any male she'd ever been attracted to prior. I couldn't figure out why she dated him, let alone married him. (although the latter I knew was her fear of being alone) I am pretty sure he never suspected how I felt about him during the first several years of that marriage, as he actually liked me. But I was respectful to him because he was my mother's husband, not because I liked him. It wasn't until after I watched first hand how much he adored my children that I managed to warm up to him because it let me see a side of him he never normally showed.

    I realize most people don't feel as I do about divorce and children. And I do know it doesn't apply to every situation. I mean if you have a close relationship between parent and child and that parent is suddenly gone from that child's life it IS going to have an effect, but I doubt it's going to be so traumatic as to scar them for life... and if the parent is not careful they will make it worse by trying to appease their own guilty feelings for having "caused" this pain on their child and thus feed into it instead of help that child to heal.

    But I'm under the impression your divorce happened when your child was already an adult........which in my opinion means none of that even applies.

  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Seems to me that perhaps she was shocked. Actually I would assume that roommates (yes, even relatives) would give a casual advanced warning if intimacy was anticipated in the near future. I'm not being judgemental but really I wouldn't want to be in seeing or hearing distance of anyone sharing intimacy. Of course raising a large family (on occasion sharing a home with multiple generations for six months or so) I understand that it's a bit tricky finding the opportunity but from experience I know it can be done. So, lol, I see the situation differently. If it were me I'd apologize for not giving a head's up. DDD
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Honestly it sounds like she is just messing with your head. It shouldn't cause any problems other than some initial discomfort. Tell her to put on her headphones and listen to music and get out of your head. Your sex life is private and none of her business. She isn't a child she is an adult. No explaination from you is necessary. -RM
  20. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Unless she's developmentally impaired, she's playing you for her own reasons or has some kind of trauma issues. Does she still live with you? If so, and she's just playing you she needs to just knock it off. If she has other issues, y'all need to find a way that she can forewarned that it might not be the best time to just walk in and she should maybe find some other way to occupy herself for a while elsewhere.