What is the impact

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I would have been grossed out if it was my parent and a "stranger." Adult or not, I was immature and not ready for that. I don't think it would have ruined my mental health forever thought. Seems like your new lady may be causing problems for your girls? You have to decide. Maybe you can't have both.
 

rmccart

New Member
Little background

been seperated and now divorced for almost 3 years,my daughter left my house when the incident occurred, in a huff and moved in with her mother.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
I stand by my earlier post, lol. NO I am not saying you are bad. YES I think daughters should have an advanced opportunity before being fully aware of sexual activity....she could have spent the night with a friend or her Mother. The parent/child relationship exists until death in most families with strict boundaries. It may be "role playing" but it is a unique game. I totally loved my Dad to death. He was an awesome man. He had a heart attack during a laison with a lady friend. I put the best possible "spin" on the circumstances for the sake of my Mom and siblings. I knew he was not a saint (nor was I) but up to the day of his death I was able to ignore that he was a sexual human being and preferred seeing him as "my Dad". Most sons and daughters do want to see their parents as men and women who live nicely and privately. DDD
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Little background

been seperated and now divorced for almost 3 years,my daughter left my house when the incident occurred, in a huff and moved in with her mother.

She left when she heard you being intimate with your new lady?
If so, in my opinion you have a choice to make. More than that, you really need to be discreet and make sure you are far away from your girls, in a way other part of the house, and don't make a lot of noise, that is, if you are really dying to have your girls live with you again. This may REALLY bother them.

It was one thing for me to have to hear my parents doing sex, as I did, growing up. But it took me quite a while to accept them being apart and if I had heard any sex noises even at age 24, as I said before, between my parent or somebody who I considered an intruder, I would have been disgusted and may have also moved out. Now I was not every 20 year old girl. And maybe I should have gotten over it. But it bothered and hurt me to see my parents with other partners, let alone hearing them having sex (which i didn't). And if they had told me to get over it, I just would have avoided them more.

I am not quite sure if this is why your first girl left. Or your second one. It was not clear. But I understand your daughter's point of view if that was why. Not saying your daughters were right or wrong, but I understand. My parents were married to each other only and for a long time and I was not used to seeing them with other people. And if I had to see them with other people, I wanted them to leave even the kissing away from me, and they did. Immature, perhaps, but I know I'm not the only one who was a grown child who resented the other woman and the other man and I did avoid seeing both SO's. I saw my parents WITHOUT their new honeys...it was my decision and my parents respected that. The honeys stayed away from me...I was not ready for them.

That doesn't mean you should toss your SO away, but maybe this is the problem your daughter has...and I understand it because I felt the same. Perhaps you should try to have a relationship with your daughters leaving SO out of it for now? Try to meet at coffee shops alone and not discuss SO? I didn't want my parents to talk about their new loves. It made me angry inside and queasy. So we avoided the topic and I never did get to know either ones SO well. Worked out best that way, at least for our family. I never wanted to even know they had sex lives...lol.
 

1905

Well-Known Member
It's gross to hear that. But, if someone hears that...they walk away, turn on the tv, take a walk, Sex is a biological need and everyone does it, even her. To run to her mother's house and stay there is complete over-reacting. Maybe explain that you're sorry she heard that, you meant to be more discreet. You meant to keep your private time private. Don't be sorry for having an intimate moment.

I know my son comes home from college every other week to se his girlfriend. They run right upstairs, I don't care or think about what they're doing. They've been together three years. One time I heard some banging while I was in the kitchen and walked out. Good for him. In my own house husband and I always keep our bedroom door unlocked and everyone walks in to talk to us. But if they come upon a locked door..they run down the steps. They don't yell for us to open up, I'm sure they realize we want privacy. It's life, maybe have a talk with your ex, let her explain, she may find herself in the same boat one day. Don't feel bad. Your daughter is over-reacting. She'll get over it.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Personally I think this is just odd. Most kids are going to either walk in on their parents while they are having sex or hear them at some point in their lives. It just happens. Oops. At 20, your daughter is well old enough to know that a man and a woman have sex. I would assume she most likely has. Its a natural act between two consenting adults who care for each other. She is simply going to have to get used to the fact that you are going to be dating. Its not like she is a young child who you are going to shield from your dates. She is more like a roommate at this point. Maybe you should take something from frat boys and hang a sock on the front door when you plan to have a romantic evening to warn her that she might want to go somewhere else that day...lol.

I have 3 grown boys who have 3 opinions on us having sex. Of course they know we do. We joke constantly about it. One completely ignores us unless we are talking about it in clinical terms, the middle one pretends to put his hands over his ears and says "la la la...I cant hear you!" and the youngest just laughs like hell and says he can beat us hands down. Im sure he can.
 

rmccart

New Member
These are all good points which have been considered, the troublesome part is there is no discussion so I dont know how to initiate dialogue to discuss the percieved wrong purpetrated. I think CDN had a large part of the issue, there was something waiting to come out. A percieved slight as I became more involved with someone, an encroachment on her terrritory by another female. . . it could be enmeshed in other things since there has been a splitting of the family.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
so midwest how do I repair this rupture? I think your thoughts are part of her feelings
Can you date your SO without her living with you? And if you can't live without SO in your house, can you at least be very quiet while having sex? You have to understand...many children NEVER want to think of their parents in a sexual way and the parents may have to have their fun in places the young adult kids can not know or hear about it in order to foster a relationship with their children. I mean, not saying this happened, b ut if your girl screamed in ecstasy, that would gross out your daughter...you really need to think about how this new honey makes your kids feel, especially if the sex is obvious. Both are obviously not ready to accept her being intimate with you. So you can tell them to get over it, you're all adults, or you can be discreet. Or, if you are willing to take that other step, you can tell SO that your relationship with your daughters is #1. Fair? No. But you asked my opinion. Would you daughter like you to break up with SO? Doesn't she like her or, like I said earlier, is she just grossed out by hearing the sex? That's an easy fix.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Personally I think this is just odd. Most kids are going to either walk in on their parents while they are having sex or hear them at some point in their lives. It just happens. Oops. At 20, your daughter is well old enough to know that a man and a woman have sex. I would assume she most likely has. Its a natural act between two consenting adults who care for each other. She is simply going to have to get used to the fact that you are going to be dating. Its not like she is a young child who you are going to shield from your dates. She is more like a roommate at this point. Maybe you should take something from frat boys and hang a sock on the front door when you plan to have a romantic evening to warn her that she might want to go somewhere else that day...lol.

I have 3 grown boys who have 3 opinions on us having sex. Of course they know we do. We joke constantly about it. One completely ignores us unless we are talking about it in clinical terms, the middle one pretends to put his hands over his ears and says "la la la...I cant hear you!" and the youngest just laughs like hell and says he can beat us hands down. Im sure he can.

A young adult's two parents is different than the young adult walking in or hearing dad doing his new lady. I walked in on my parents by accident several times and all I did was roll my eyes. This is a different situation, one not all grown children want to know about. And I do think it's best to lock your doors and be quiet when your kids are around, especially if Dad is doing somebody other than Mom. I think girls are more sensitive to this than boys, but not always. This is a man who is trying to reconcile with his daughters, and this seems to be a big issue with them...
 

rmccart

New Member
I think my daughter (20) is jealous, there have been little comments over the past 6 months that when put together indicate she felt slighted, when taken seperatly they didnt seem to have alot of weight.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Well, here it goes.

If she is jealous of your new girlfriend and your daughter matters to you more than the girlfriend, the best thing you can do is see your girlfriend without living with her. And don't talk about your relationship with this woman. Your daughter doesn't care or want to know and it may not be out of selfishness...it may be a deep hurt. There may be no other way to mend your relationship with your daughters. You can't force her not to be jealous of a new lady if you lavish attention on the woman or she doesn't like her or she still has not recovered from your divorce. Are you willing to tell SO to move out? It could help. If you feel it is good for you to have SO in your life, then you need to make a decision. Another thing: If SO is much, much younger than you, close to daughter's age, I totally understand your daughter's resentment. Even though Mom left, she has to see you kissing up this new woman and has to hear you making love to her...in my opinion, not a good idea considering your daughter's special makeup. She is not ready for it, 20 years old or not. You can dismiss your daughter, of course, she IS an adult. But it doesn't seem as if you are ready to let her go for your lady. Decisions, decisions.
Question to think about: Would you want to hear your daughter in the bedroom next door making love with some guy you didn't know or like?
 

rmccart

New Member
SO is close to my age, not nearly as young as my daughter,is my daughter more important then my SO? Is it right to have to choose? They did get along I thought, it is important that I move on with my life and I dont think a child should dictate my happiness altho that is what seems to be happening wanted or not. I guess I had the utopian idea that the people I loved would love each other. . . way to simplistic !!!
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
You just made your decision. Your daughter won't like it, but you want to move on with SO. It DOES seem like your daughter is making you choose...so that is out of your hands. Fair? Probably to your daughter. But fair isn't the issue. As long as you are with SO I suspect your daughter is going to live with mom and be resentful of you. Unfortunately, most of us can't have our cake and eat it too...even if it's not fair.
Your daughter DOES love you. She doesn't like SO in your life, living with you, hearing the two of you having sex, etc. You can't control how she thinks. You can only control yourself. That's something important I learned early on in therapy :)
Divorce is rarely simplistic and can cause deep resentment. Even if it's not fair.
Remember this: YOU chose your honey. Your daughter didn't have a choice in the matter. Why did you automatically think she'd love her? Just because YOU do, you did force her into your daughter's life. When we pick our SO's WE love them...no guarantees our k ids will even TOLERATE them. Daughter may not be acting fair in my opinion, but you can't control her and how she feels and how she reacts to it.

Also, Utopia isn't a real place :) Wish it were.
 

rmccart

New Member
Why do you see everyday divorced parents starting a new life and keeping relationships with kids? Is it always this difficult?
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
It often is very strained. It is usually not as great as it looks.

You do have a third option. I talked about it. Have SO move out and date her on the side, not including your daughter in it. She obviously is not comfortable with you and her. If you won't make any compromises, the situation is unlikely to change as you both lock horns. My kids hated my husband for a long time, but they were too young to move out. Because of that, and because I told him to act like a friend, not a parent, they eventually got on. But my kids NEVER heard of us having sex...EVER...and it was a slow process. I tried to remember, I picked him, they didn't. They were just kind of stuck with him, even though he tried so hard and reached out with a loving hand. The kids wanted me to be back with my ex. I had the advantage over you because my kids could not leave. You don't have that.

Also, three years may seem like a long time to you, but maybe it doesn't to your daughter. Just throwing stuff out there, not saying daughter is right or wrong. Feelings aren't right or wrong. They just are.
 

rmccart

New Member
My SO doesnt live with me and yes by my daughter having a living option it affords her the chance to cut and run instead of her and myself having a dialogue, the last thing I wanted to do is hurt her feelings.
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
I think my daughter (20) is jealous, there have been little comments over the past 6 months that when put together indicate she felt slighted, when taken seperatly they didnt seem to have alot of weight.

OK - let's see if we can put this together, then...

You and ex separated about 3 years ago. You and daughter moved into your own place. It was "Daddy-Daughter time" up until about six months ago...when Daughter began to feel that Daddy was pushing her aside for someone else. Daughter expressed her feelings about "being slighted" several times...but her comments did not carry a lot of weight with Daddy.

Finally, there was an "incident" in which Daughter clearly overheard some things that she was not meant to hear....Daughter felt hurt and she left.

In my book, this has little to do with sex...and more to do with the Daddy-Daughter relationship. You two developed a special closeness after the marriage desolved - I'm sure your daughter felt very special to you - and now your daughter is feeling cast aside for another.

On your other thread, many posters suggested writing a letter to your daughter addressing / apologizing for the emotional hurt - did you ever act on that?
 

rmccart

New Member
Funny you ask that, I just did a final edit and will be writing for her sometime today. My SO has been in my life for 18 months. My daughter didnt blatantly say anything, just little comments like at christmas I was doin my bills and she stated "you didnt spend that all on me" little comments that werent direct unfortunately I was too busy trying to get my legs under me to realize what she was trying to say.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
May I ask if written communication is the only communication choice you have? It was my sad experience that written communication did not "read" to my easy child son and his wife the way I intended. I guarantee you I did not include any negative phrases etc. At least two other parents on the Board also attempted written communication only to have it result in a deeper alienation than existed before. IF it is your only choice then go for it. IF there is any chance that she would meet you for dinner or at a park ?? where you could listen and talk eye to eye there would be a better chance of mending the broken fence. Perhaps send a short note of invitation instead of a phone call?

I'm rooting for you. I hope you and she can enjoy each other's company and focus on the love you share. There might not even be a reason to mention your girlfriend at all during this first effort to reconnect. Fingers crossed. DDD
 
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