What is the impact

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I dont think it will take years. Im assuming you had a fairly decent relationship with your daughter prior to the divorce. If so, she will come around soon enough.
 

Dottienumber2

New Member
Sometimes kids see things about the new person that you don't see. Are you still in the honey moon stage and can't see what other people see? I just lost my daughter for many reason. I was single for 20 years. During that time I can see why my girls were uncomfortable. When your kids don't like them, look again. I would do anything to get my daughter back. I married a man that was just divorced and had a 16 son. He hated me for what ever reason. It has been hell for the last 8 years. The boy has never liked me. If the family's dont fit they don't fit. I hate to say it but I have seen where when there is a new relationship that they are more humble bout bringing in someone and expect everyone to agree. If you don't have the support of your family you make everyone miserable.
Indian family's go thru a process of an acceptance an entry stage. Even some American family's ask the blessing of the others. You got caught just as a kid would see it f}#% not cool I don't blame her for being disrespected your he audit behave. Should she get over it. Sad to say my husbands son never did. I wish I never married into this. You caused lot of disrespect in your thinking the 1970 I can do what ever I want. Is she worth it! I wasn't and it hurts. Every time my husband coddles his son there is so much stuff going on . You started out badly. Can you not be alone for a while. Did you really make the right choice . There are other people out there. Your family will win in the long term. You need to find a women thAt is evenly yoked with you. This one is not. You are still on your honeymoon. Men love a freak in bed, but guess what happens when you are married awhile. They become wife's. Then you really have to work on it so you can prove ya we really are wild. Guess what life changes, she will gat her issues too.
If you had you family's apprOval respectfully this would not have happen. Too bad this time. If you would repeat this and include your girls feeling they would feel respected.sometimes parents are just too hormonal too!!
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I am quite lost with what half the people on here are advising you. I want to know if I have my facts straight with what has actually happened. You are somewhat unclear in what you typed to begin with so I want to be a bit more blunt.

You got divorced from your former wife some time ago but your daughter lived with you at the age of 20. (I think) I am not sure why.

You have begun dating a new woman but she is not living with her at this time.
At some point in time, your 20 year old daughter accidentally overheard you and your girlfriend making love.

For some strange reason this seems to have freaked her out and she ran home to live with her mom.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Now I still cant figure out why all this is a big deal. I am assuming you are divorced from your ex wife. I am assuming you werent hanging from the chandeliers or reenacting 50 shades of Grey in the living room when she walked in.

If all these assumptions are true, then there is nothing for you to feel guilty over. Men and woman do have the right to start dating again after divorce (or the death of a spouse). Kids, especially grown kids, have no right to dictate to their parents how to live their lives in this next phase. Parents have a right to be happy again. Kids have to get over. Im sure they have a private life. Or they will and they wont want their parents dictating what they can do.

I dont think this original poster is Native American so that doesnt apply and considering I live in an area that is pretty thick with them, I dont think that tradition is carried out much anymore.

To the original poster....go forth and have a nice life. Your daughter will come around eventually. It is my opinion is she is trying to manipulate you for some reason that has nothing at all to do with your girlfriend. Your girlfriend is now apart of your life, your daughter can chose to be apart of that life or not. It is her choice.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Not quite sure I understand what your saying Dottie ??

I think she is sort of saying w hat I said.

There is a lot of divorce now and parents deserve to be happy again with new partners. But you can't FORCE the rest of your family to be ready or interested or accepting of them. So you have a choice. Most people here think your daughter is being a selfish brat and you should move on with this new honey. They even think that, because of her age, hearing your love sounds were ok and she should "get over it." This is the prevailing opinion here and it does stem from the 60's/70's "do whatcha wanna do." At least I think it does (I could be wrong). Many people do jus this and often it works out, but I know many families that go into turmoil when the new person steps in...there are a lot of factors that determine how it goes.

In fact, I know people who divorce and start introducing very YOUNG children to new babes right away, in my opinion confusing the children and making them sad and less respectful of their parents.

She is saying that she chose a man her family disliked and that, in the end, it turned out that their intuition was correct and she lost her daughter over it and is sorry she ever married the man. He did NOT make her happy. She misses her daughter.

I put it another way because I remember how cool I felt towards my parents new loves, even in my twenties. Which was normal...they didn't always care for or accept who I dated either. And neither parents nor kids of any age usually want to think about their family members having sex, let alone hearing the actuality of it. I think you would have had better judgment being far away from daughter when you and your honey had made love. Not all even adult kids are openminded enough to be ok with hearing sex noises from their parents, especially if the sex noises are with a stranger and Dad. I would have been grossed out to no end. And I'm sure Dad wouldn't have wanted to hear ME and my boyfriends having sex either.

You can not have it all, because life doesn't work that way. At least for now (and none of us can predict the future) you have your honey who supposedly you can move on with and be happy but you don't have your daughter. Did she ever tell you what she disliked about the situation? Did you ever talk to her about it before you brought her home? Communication, communication, communication! It's better than location, location, location.

Your daughter may be a brat. I don't know her. Your honey may be the salt of the earth. I don't know her. You may be the best father on the planet and greatly wronged. We all know little about your situation. But the cold hard facts are you HAVE your honey and you're still not happy because your daughter is currently no longer in your life. She may or may not grow to accept this lady, if you actually marry her. Right now she's just a girlfriend that dad is having sex with. There are two schools of thought in this thread.

One and by far the most popular school of thought is that your daughter is a brat and should not be treating you this way and that she should grow up and accept your girlfriend and even be ok with hearing you having sex (would YOU have wanted to hear your parents having sex with new people?) But that's the prevailing few here.

The other is Dottie and me. Well, we don't exactly feel the same way, but we are similar. She says you don't know why daughter is against this woman and maybe she has a point that you can't see since you are in the honeymoon stage and still hormonal. And she also says the daughter may not come back. I'm saying that you can have your honey, but, at this time, you can't have your honey and your daughter and that I don't know why daughter suddenly won't talk to you, but I'll bet there's something you're not telling us. Maybe sh e dislikes this lady. Maybe she wishes her father would have sex in a place where she can't hear it, which in my opinion is reasonable. At any rate, you have a choice to make but, at least at this time in your life, you can't have both. Daughter MAY come back. She may not. Many of us, me included, have had kids walk out on us and never return. There is the in-between scenario too...she may return, but it won't ever be the same.

I am not telling you to get rid of your honey or to keep her. I'm just trying to explain where we are coming from. Since we just have a tiny snapshot of the situation, it is hard to give you any solid advice.

I do hope things so better and you get all the joys you want out of life. :) I am not scolding you. I am explaining my point of view and Dottie shares a lot of mine too. I think sometimes girls are more sensitive about these things than boys.
 

rmccart

New Member
So to clear some things up

I have been legally divorced since nov 2012 seperated since oct 2009, after selling the house that I shared since the seperation with a step daughter27 and biological daughter 20. When house sold I moved to a condo with daughter (20), stepdaughter (27) went with mom. had a few girlfriend but no one that i introduced to daughter, them I met current girlfriend fell in love and brought her home to meet daughter. Everything was manageable but there was an undercurrent of jealousy on daughters part. one night while in my bedroom with door shut things got a little heated. next thing I know daughter slams door moves in with mom. I feel guilty because of my issues coming from a broken family. I have decided that since its her decision to not include me in her life, good luck to her. After having a broken heart over this for 2 months I decide to move on. I made every effort to have a dialogue with her about this, I spoke to her about me having a life when I first met this woman, although my heart continues to break I must live !!

hope this clears things up a little
 
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CrazyinVA

Well-Known Member
Staff member
After reading your summary (and admittedly not many of the other posts): she'll get over it eventually. She's 20, she can live where she wants. In fact, many of us would LOVE if our 20 year olds moved out. That's what they're supposed to do :) Heck, many of us have had the problem of them NOT moving out when they're supposed to ....

Over-simplified answer perhaps, but that's my gut reaction. Enjoy the freedom you now have of living alone, especially while dating someone.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I think its very disrespectful to call this mans girlfriend "honey". That sounds like he has gone out and found someone from an escort service. He met a new women he felt he wanted to explore sharing a new life with. Like he has said, he had a few casual dates that he never even thought about introducing to his children...adult though they be.

I have not said his adult daughter is a brat. I think she is probably jealous of something and is using this as her excuse. In the accounting he just told above, I wouldnt even be sure she heard as much as he thinks she did. She may have just thought they were in the bedroom together and got mad and stormed out. It may not have mattered if they were in there playing scrabble.

I might have a different view if your daughter was a small child but she isnt. Actually I probably wouldnt have much of a different view. Divorces happen all the time and people remarry. It happens. Kids adapt.
 

rmccart

New Member
I really dont take things personal, I think its great that people have taking the time to respond to my situation. Everyone sees things differently so the perspectives shared have been very helpful in this time of pain. It will find its path in its time wether I want it to or not. and where it settles is where it needs to be ...unforced
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I think of short term girlfriends as "his honey" until it gets more serious. And he is right. We all have our own ways of looking at things. You can certainly explore a relationship without having the newbie move in with you. Do I care that he did? Not at all. But his daughter cared and he was concerned about his daughter's reaction. It may be jealousy. It may be a feeling of loyalty to Mom. Maybe she thinks the divorce was his fault...maybe she doesn't. Divorce is usually ugly and adult kids sometimes do take sides. I have no idea the dynamics of the marriage that is no more. All I know is that this man was very sad about his daughter.

But, rmcart, now that you have made up your mind, this is a good thing and I wish you all the luck in the world :)
 

rmccart

New Member
So here we are 2 months later with little to no contact withGFG and it is now impacting on my relationship with significant other. It just keeps getting better !
 

Nancy

Well-Known Member
I think it's time that to seek out counseling to help with this issue. Perhaps a fresh outlook would help. It makes no sense to me that a 20 year old would cut off all communication with her father over this issue. If you are willing to take whatever steps necessary to mend this relationship you need the help of professionals. If your daughter truly does not want to have a relationship with you over this issue then you need help moving on. I don't understand how this one issue could come between the two of you if everything in the past has been good. I am scratching my head here. What 20 year old is that naive to think her single father would not want to have a full relationship with his partner? There is something here that just doesn't make sense.
 

rmccart

New Member
i absolutely agree, this is befuddling, i am currently and have been for 3 years in counseling.My difficult child will not participate, my divorce was not at a good time for her, senior year in HS mom moves out. I think she is forging a relationship with her mom by casting me aside it justifies her being there. I hate dad mom pleasse love me, instead of sitting down and discussing that she would like to live with mom and purposely choosing which she feels would hurt my feelings. She hasnt come to understand I want her to be happy but at the same time I would like to be part of her life.
 

rmccart

New Member
UPDATE

We are now into 3 months of difficult child not speaking to me, my significant other and I have parted ways and now we find out my mental toughness !
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi. You should probably start a new thread or else some of us may think this is just more of the old thread.

The fact that your SO left is one of the main reasons I never introduced any of my boyfriends (when I was divorced) to ANYBODY until I finally met somebody I got engaged to. I just preferred to leave my family out of my relationships. Not only did this pertain to my kids (two were older teens and one was eight), but also my sister, my brother, my friends, etc. I figured that if it was going to work out and we were going to be a couple THEN I could introduce the person to everyone in my world. And I dropped hints before I introduced him. And it still took a while for him to gain acceptance, but I married the guy and it worked out in the end :)

I would definitely start a new thread. This is a good time to try to contact your daughter again in my opinion.
 
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