Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 622798" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Many years ago my older half sister's oldest daughter, diagnosed with mental illness was wrecking havoc in my sister's family and her other 5 kids. She was destroying property, was abusive to everyone, refused to attend school, meltdowns were daily and severe, I think she was in college at the time, so she was about 20. The psychiatrist the family was seeing, after years of this behavior, finally told my sister that she had a choice, to either remove one child to save the family or continue down this road which was destroying everyone. My niece refused all help and continued with her rampages. My sister asked my niece to leave. There were no words bantered around like detachment, enabling or tough love, it was addressed simply as the only choice left to the family.</p><p></p><p>I was appalled and had major judgments for YEARS that my sister could possibly make that choice. I was adamant in my appraisal of the injustice done to my niece and the lack of compassion my sister had for her own child. I held on to that judgement until I faced the same story with my daughter. Once I was confronted with the reality of an adult who does so much damage to other family members, my former beliefs began to be challenged. </p><p></p><p>When I signed on to the codependency program, (part of the largest HMO in the state of Ca.) I sat in those first classes thinking there has to be some other way to address all of this, that love would conquer all, that understanding, compassion, empathy and time would address the issues and make them disappear. But, then I came face to face with the other parents present who had done all the usual helping, supportive, loving things I had done and I saw their despair, their sorrow, their angers and their absolute devastation that no matter what they had done, and often for years, sometimes decades, nothing had worked.</p><p></p><p>So, I began to listen. I opened my mind up and began to see another way that the therapists, all trained in substance abuse and mental illness and codependency issues, began to teach us about.</p><p></p><p>Until I was facing my own desperation, my own realization that what I was doing was not working, my own recognition that my life was broken and I needed help, did I begin to understand the nature of the words detachment and enabling. The truth is they are only words. Words have different meaning to different folks at different times based on our own experience and our history and our beliefs. The underlying feelings of not knowing what else to do and the fear that that brings up is what brings us to our knees and often that's when we open to a new thought, a different way of seeing things. Until that point, until we face that particular fear, we really have no idea how we will respond. </p><p></p><p>I was completely wrong in my assessment of my sisters situation. But until I was faced with a similar situation, I had no way of knowing how horrific that choice must have been for her. Until we are in the shoes of another, until we are facing the worst possible thing that could happen to us, we can't possibly know what that feels like.</p><p></p><p>I know how much recovering from enabling and detaching from my daughter means to me and my granddaughter. I know how much my life has improved and how much my relationship with my daughter has improved, in fact, it made it possible for love to blossom once again for she and I, where before, because of so much pain, both of us were shut down. </p><p></p><p>My experience going from one completely different belief way over to the other side and then seeing such profound results is what makes me want to share that information with others so that they too can possibly learn a new way of thinking which may bring healing, relief, comfort and allow love to blossom again.</p><p></p><p>And, each one of us decides on the course of action we will take. We are only parents here, trying to find help and understanding where there has been only pain.</p><p></p><p>As I've mentioned before, there is a vast difference between a child who is 20 or even 25 and one who is 35 or 40. Each one of us exhausts ALL possibilities and ALL options, no matter what it costs us in time, energy, money, commitment or our lives before we consider even looking at the words detachment and enabling and tough love. We usually arrive at that point broken and devastated and with no where else to turn. </p><p></p><p>Research can be found to prove one point or another and we could certainly argue the point until the cows come home. What is important to me is that we have created a safe place for devastated parents to feel, usually for the first time, that we are not alone. That there is something we can do to save ourselves and perhaps our kids too. That, here we are not being judged and blamed and criticized for the way we have chosen to parent our adult troubled children.</p><p></p><p>Detachment is a choice we make when we've run out of choices. Enabling is what we stop doing when we learn a healthier approach and recognize that there are ways in which one can love another where that very love does more harm then good. We learn, we grow, we help one another to find a way that works. And, we make every attempt not to judge others for the choices they make...........like my experience with my sister, we don't know how we will respond until we're in the same boat.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 622798, member: 13542"] Many years ago my older half sister's oldest daughter, diagnosed with mental illness was wrecking havoc in my sister's family and her other 5 kids. She was destroying property, was abusive to everyone, refused to attend school, meltdowns were daily and severe, I think she was in college at the time, so she was about 20. The psychiatrist the family was seeing, after years of this behavior, finally told my sister that she had a choice, to either remove one child to save the family or continue down this road which was destroying everyone. My niece refused all help and continued with her rampages. My sister asked my niece to leave. There were no words bantered around like detachment, enabling or tough love, it was addressed simply as the only choice left to the family. I was appalled and had major judgments for YEARS that my sister could possibly make that choice. I was adamant in my appraisal of the injustice done to my niece and the lack of compassion my sister had for her own child. I held on to that judgement until I faced the same story with my daughter. Once I was confronted with the reality of an adult who does so much damage to other family members, my former beliefs began to be challenged. When I signed on to the codependency program, (part of the largest HMO in the state of Ca.) I sat in those first classes thinking there has to be some other way to address all of this, that love would conquer all, that understanding, compassion, empathy and time would address the issues and make them disappear. But, then I came face to face with the other parents present who had done all the usual helping, supportive, loving things I had done and I saw their despair, their sorrow, their angers and their absolute devastation that no matter what they had done, and often for years, sometimes decades, nothing had worked. So, I began to listen. I opened my mind up and began to see another way that the therapists, all trained in substance abuse and mental illness and codependency issues, began to teach us about. Until I was facing my own desperation, my own realization that what I was doing was not working, my own recognition that my life was broken and I needed help, did I begin to understand the nature of the words detachment and enabling. The truth is they are only words. Words have different meaning to different folks at different times based on our own experience and our history and our beliefs. The underlying feelings of not knowing what else to do and the fear that that brings up is what brings us to our knees and often that's when we open to a new thought, a different way of seeing things. Until that point, until we face that particular fear, we really have no idea how we will respond. I was completely wrong in my assessment of my sisters situation. But until I was faced with a similar situation, I had no way of knowing how horrific that choice must have been for her. Until we are in the shoes of another, until we are facing the worst possible thing that could happen to us, we can't possibly know what that feels like. I know how much recovering from enabling and detaching from my daughter means to me and my granddaughter. I know how much my life has improved and how much my relationship with my daughter has improved, in fact, it made it possible for love to blossom once again for she and I, where before, because of so much pain, both of us were shut down. My experience going from one completely different belief way over to the other side and then seeing such profound results is what makes me want to share that information with others so that they too can possibly learn a new way of thinking which may bring healing, relief, comfort and allow love to blossom again. And, each one of us decides on the course of action we will take. We are only parents here, trying to find help and understanding where there has been only pain. As I've mentioned before, there is a vast difference between a child who is 20 or even 25 and one who is 35 or 40. Each one of us exhausts ALL possibilities and ALL options, no matter what it costs us in time, energy, money, commitment or our lives before we consider even looking at the words detachment and enabling and tough love. We usually arrive at that point broken and devastated and with no where else to turn. Research can be found to prove one point or another and we could certainly argue the point until the cows come home. What is important to me is that we have created a safe place for devastated parents to feel, usually for the first time, that we are not alone. That there is something we can do to save ourselves and perhaps our kids too. That, here we are not being judged and blamed and criticized for the way we have chosen to parent our adult troubled children. Detachment is a choice we make when we've run out of choices. Enabling is what we stop doing when we learn a healthier approach and recognize that there are ways in which one can love another where that very love does more harm then good. We learn, we grow, we help one another to find a way that works. And, we make every attempt not to judge others for the choices they make...........like my experience with my sister, we don't know how we will respond until we're in the same boat. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
Top