Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 622808" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>This is a good discussion and worthwhile. I went and found my ToughLove book, by Phyllis and David York and Ted Wachtel. I remember first hearing about this and thinking No way will I ever do that. The book was written in 1982. </p><p></p><p>I read it, and even though it sounded really harsh, it made sense. Just like reading the posts on this site, so many, of the same thing. The same problem. The same words, even, in many cases. The same attempts we all did, over and over and over again. The same outcomes. </p><p></p><p>And then, for many of us, a new day came.</p><p></p><p>It came when we were completely spent with the old ways. We literally could not do it one more day. Either physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally or all of them. It really didn't matter IF we wanted to keep on doing it, for many of us. We couldn't. We were in the bed, not able to work, not able to smile, not able to think, not able to function. We were taking pills ourselves, drinking too much wine, talking incessantly about our difficult children, going to therapy endlessly. </p><p></p><p>We were doing all we could to keep on helping them. </p><p></p><p>I believe this is a God thing. It is a Higher Power thing. It is God allowing us to do our own free will instead of relying on Him, just as God does. He is wisely waiting in the wings. He is patient. He's always there. But he's not going to force anything. He wants us to come of our own volition. </p><p></p><p>And finally, when we have no other recourse, we say Uncle! We say, okay, okay I give. I don't know what to do. I am completely spent. I am without resources, without hope, without a single other thing to try. I give it to you, God. I give it over to something, anything, that can take this heaviest burden ever and show me some other way. </p><p></p><p>Because for years and years and years and years, what I have done has not worked.</p><p></p><p>In order to detach, use tough love and stop enabling, I believe we have to change the most. We have to first say, I don't know what to do. </p><p></p><p>And for many of us, wow, that is a huge Giant First Step. Because folks, most of us are some of the most capable people you'll want to meet. We can get it done. In a flash and with a dash of style on top of it. </p><p></p><p>Until we met mental illness. He is the 40-foot-tall Monster. He Rules. We can't beat him. We can't. </p><p></p><p>I was so sure I could beat this my way. I would just never give up. I would keep on and on and on. I would outlast them all.</p><p></p><p>But it doesn't work. Story after story after story I have heard in Al-Anon, in rehab parent meetings, on this site, in therapists' office, with friends. Not just one source. Multiple sources. Many sources. Only the names have been changed. </p><p></p><p>Now, does it work every single time? I would doubt it. Do people get straight and clean and well without their loved ones detaching and tough loving and stopping the enabling?</p><p></p><p>I would imagine Yes. </p><p></p><p>There is no straight line here. There is no guaranteed outcome here. My Al-Anon sponsor, who has been in Al-Anon for nearly forty years---her husband went to more than 50 rehabs. Yes, 50. He has finally been sober for 9 years and now helps many other alcoholics. She has been into the pit of hell. I don't know how she even survived all of that. But she did. She has heard hundreds of stories and helped hundreds of people. She tried it all the other way and she was literally insane with it.</p><p></p><p>Again, two insane people instead of one. </p><p></p><p>With all of that, we can only do the best we can do. We can only do what works for us. I have no idea if by my detaching from my son, and stopping my enabling, if that will be a contributing factor one day to his regaining his life. I truly don't. I don't think what I do or don't do will be the deciding factor in his life. I think it's what he does or doesn't do, that will be. </p><p></p><p>But I do know this: As much as I love him, and I'm his mother, so you know that is so very much, I also care about myself just as much. I have learned that putting him first to the slow destruction of my own self is wrong and does not help him or me. I know that goes against mother DNA, and believe me, I fought it for years. I used to think I could and would sacrifice myself for any person that I loved, and I spent years doing that. I didn't need anything, I was already strong enough for all of us. </p><p></p><p>Hogwash. Today, I know better so I am doing better. I realize something awful can happen to my son, and that is something I live with every day. If it does, I will be devastated. I will retrace every step. I will probably blame myself for a while. I will think: woulda, shoulda, coulda. But then, I will go on. </p><p></p><p>I also know that I am experiencing more contentment, more joy, more generosity, more peace and more serenity than I ever have before. I am a giver and I always will be. Now, I am also learning to receive.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 622808, member: 17542"] This is a good discussion and worthwhile. I went and found my ToughLove book, by Phyllis and David York and Ted Wachtel. I remember first hearing about this and thinking No way will I ever do that. The book was written in 1982. I read it, and even though it sounded really harsh, it made sense. Just like reading the posts on this site, so many, of the same thing. The same problem. The same words, even, in many cases. The same attempts we all did, over and over and over again. The same outcomes. And then, for many of us, a new day came. It came when we were completely spent with the old ways. We literally could not do it one more day. Either physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally or all of them. It really didn't matter IF we wanted to keep on doing it, for many of us. We couldn't. We were in the bed, not able to work, not able to smile, not able to think, not able to function. We were taking pills ourselves, drinking too much wine, talking incessantly about our difficult children, going to therapy endlessly. We were doing all we could to keep on helping them. I believe this is a God thing. It is a Higher Power thing. It is God allowing us to do our own free will instead of relying on Him, just as God does. He is wisely waiting in the wings. He is patient. He's always there. But he's not going to force anything. He wants us to come of our own volition. And finally, when we have no other recourse, we say Uncle! We say, okay, okay I give. I don't know what to do. I am completely spent. I am without resources, without hope, without a single other thing to try. I give it to you, God. I give it over to something, anything, that can take this heaviest burden ever and show me some other way. Because for years and years and years and years, what I have done has not worked. In order to detach, use tough love and stop enabling, I believe we have to change the most. We have to first say, I don't know what to do. And for many of us, wow, that is a huge Giant First Step. Because folks, most of us are some of the most capable people you'll want to meet. We can get it done. In a flash and with a dash of style on top of it. Until we met mental illness. He is the 40-foot-tall Monster. He Rules. We can't beat him. We can't. I was so sure I could beat this my way. I would just never give up. I would keep on and on and on. I would outlast them all. But it doesn't work. Story after story after story I have heard in Al-Anon, in rehab parent meetings, on this site, in therapists' office, with friends. Not just one source. Multiple sources. Many sources. Only the names have been changed. Now, does it work every single time? I would doubt it. Do people get straight and clean and well without their loved ones detaching and tough loving and stopping the enabling? I would imagine Yes. There is no straight line here. There is no guaranteed outcome here. My Al-Anon sponsor, who has been in Al-Anon for nearly forty years---her husband went to more than 50 rehabs. Yes, 50. He has finally been sober for 9 years and now helps many other alcoholics. She has been into the pit of hell. I don't know how she even survived all of that. But she did. She has heard hundreds of stories and helped hundreds of people. She tried it all the other way and she was literally insane with it. Again, two insane people instead of one. With all of that, we can only do the best we can do. We can only do what works for us. I have no idea if by my detaching from my son, and stopping my enabling, if that will be a contributing factor one day to his regaining his life. I truly don't. I don't think what I do or don't do will be the deciding factor in his life. I think it's what he does or doesn't do, that will be. But I do know this: As much as I love him, and I'm his mother, so you know that is so very much, I also care about myself just as much. I have learned that putting him first to the slow destruction of my own self is wrong and does not help him or me. I know that goes against mother DNA, and believe me, I fought it for years. I used to think I could and would sacrifice myself for any person that I loved, and I spent years doing that. I didn't need anything, I was already strong enough for all of us. Hogwash. Today, I know better so I am doing better. I realize something awful can happen to my son, and that is something I live with every day. If it does, I will be devastated. I will retrace every step. I will probably blame myself for a while. I will think: woulda, shoulda, coulda. But then, I will go on. I also know that I am experiencing more contentment, more joy, more generosity, more peace and more serenity than I ever have before. I am a giver and I always will be. Now, I am also learning to receive. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
Top