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What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 622862" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>I think the reason there is not talk about detaching from our stable and loving loved ones, is the boundaries are probably already more healthy. I think when you are dealing with a person with an addiction, or mental illness or an abusive partner (as another example) then boundaries are difficult. They are difficult because the other person does not tend to respect or get boundaries and they get more confusing for us too. I dont even have to think about boundaries with my husband or my easy child daughter because they are naturally there. I will say my getting clearer about boundaries with my difficult child has helped me at times be clearer about boundaries with my daughter as well. My difficult child on the other hand always pushes my boundaries and often asks me for things that I am uncomfortable with and then have to think about his reaction before I respond.... because his reaction is often out there.</p><p></p><p>I agree I dont like lists of dos and don'Tourette's Syndrome around enabling. To me the key is following your own instinct and gut and thinking about how it makes you feel. However having said that I think giving a drug addict cash is almost always a mistake becuase they will use it for drugs. That has been my experience and is what you hear over and over again from people with experience with drug addiction. However I have bought groceries... and I did get him a sleeping bag and boots through a store.... and some would consider that enabling but it made me feel better to do something to help him stay warm when he was homeless in winter.</p><p></p><p>And even with my comments about motel rooms I have at times gotten my son a motel room for a night..... but it was not an open ended deal. Once was when he was waiting the weekend to turn himself into probation so I got him a room for two nights... but then he was headed towards doing the right thing.</p><p></p><p>So in my mind it is not a black/white thing.</p><p></p><p>I also think getting to the point of not enabling is a process.... the first step is recognizing it and at times I think it helps to have a caring and compassionate person point it out.</p><p></p><p>For me I will help my son do the next right thing... and I will not help him or support him in doing self destructive things. Often it is a balancing act.</p><p></p><p>TL</p><p></p><p></p><p>Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 622862, member: 15801"] I think the reason there is not talk about detaching from our stable and loving loved ones, is the boundaries are probably already more healthy. I think when you are dealing with a person with an addiction, or mental illness or an abusive partner (as another example) then boundaries are difficult. They are difficult because the other person does not tend to respect or get boundaries and they get more confusing for us too. I dont even have to think about boundaries with my husband or my easy child daughter because they are naturally there. I will say my getting clearer about boundaries with my difficult child has helped me at times be clearer about boundaries with my daughter as well. My difficult child on the other hand always pushes my boundaries and often asks me for things that I am uncomfortable with and then have to think about his reaction before I respond.... because his reaction is often out there. I agree I dont like lists of dos and don'Tourette's Syndrome around enabling. To me the key is following your own instinct and gut and thinking about how it makes you feel. However having said that I think giving a drug addict cash is almost always a mistake becuase they will use it for drugs. That has been my experience and is what you hear over and over again from people with experience with drug addiction. However I have bought groceries... and I did get him a sleeping bag and boots through a store.... and some would consider that enabling but it made me feel better to do something to help him stay warm when he was homeless in winter. And even with my comments about motel rooms I have at times gotten my son a motel room for a night..... but it was not an open ended deal. Once was when he was waiting the weekend to turn himself into probation so I got him a room for two nights... but then he was headed towards doing the right thing. So in my mind it is not a black/white thing. I also think getting to the point of not enabling is a process.... the first step is recognizing it and at times I think it helps to have a caring and compassionate person point it out. For me I will help my son do the next right thing... and I will not help him or support him in doing self destructive things. Often it is a balancing act. TL Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app [/QUOTE]
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What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
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