What kind of reins work?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by wakeupcall, May 15, 2010.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    My difficult child is becoming out of control. He NEVER comes home when I tell him to. I've taken his cell, his bike, his computer, etc. NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK!! Sorry, I'm frustrated. I don't know what to do to get through to this child....and he won't be a child for long. Still, how do I get him to obey? I make him repeat the time when he walks out the door...."What time do you have to be home?" He answers correctly every time. Oh, he always calls at the appointed time.....today it was, "There's a TREE across the sidewalk and I can't get home!!!!!!!!!". I told him to lift it over the tree and get his little hiney home. He called me again 30 min. later and told me to go on to dinner and he'd be home later!!!! WHAT?????????????????????????? He's fourteen and telling ME when he's coming home? What is the best discipline? My other children would never have done this...I'm at a loss!! We've taken everything and he still does it. If you say don't let him go, my question is how do I stop this boy who's larger than I am from walking out the door and down the street? A therapist once told me to call the police. Sure.....
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is a major problem that I always had an issue with when Cory was younger. There wasnt a whole lot that I could use to motivate him. Everyone always says to find their currency. I wish I knew what it was.

    It was difficult for me to ground Cory because he just left when I wasnt looking. Or I was at work. Hence why he spent so much time in group homes.

    Have you read the defiant child? You may have to implement some of the techniques in there and see if that will work for you. We basically tied Cory to us for years. He went no where without one of us with him. He wasnt allowed to go to friends. We didnt give him a cell phone or extras. It was hard.
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wish I had an answer. I'm sure it is very frustrating. It's something we haven't had to deal with for our difficult child as he would never leave due to no friends in the neighborhood and also feeling not confident on being on his own.

    I would say don't let him go but like you said he will probably leave anyways. At that point I would make sure the next time he needed a ride somewhere or wanted something it would be a no but I'm sure you have already tried that.

    Sending hugs.
  4. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Janet, thanks for reminding me about THE DEFIANT CHILD. I ran right to my massive library on my son's disorders and pulled it off the shelf so that I can reread it. Perhaps I'll find something of some use. difficult child is just as you said....there's no real currency with him. He just doesn't seem to care one bit no matter what it is that I take away. He's going to have such a lousy life if he can't follow rules!
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My son didnt much care either until the courts got involved when he was an adult and stepped on him. Now he tends to care about that cell. Only thing that put the brakes on him.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wakeup, I second the motion for an item or offer he cannot refuse. Cell phone? Computer? Computer game? Certain TV show? There's going to be a scene the first time he comes home and finds xyz missing, but that's how he will learn that it is YOUR house and YOUR rules.
    I, for one, am sick of scenes. But they work. That's what rhino skin is for. Now, for the ear plugs...

    Janet, when Cory looks back on those times, is he able to recall his thinking, his emotions, his reasoning? What does he now think would have worked for him then?
    I know one mom whose son was afraid of her. Heh heh. Won't work for me. My voice is too high, I am too small, even when difficult child was 3 or 4 and I spanked him, he'd look at me defiantly and say, "That didn't hurt." "It wasn't supposed to hurt. It was supposed to get your attention."
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    He doesn't come home? Do you know where he is? If so, take it to him. Make the scene in front of his friends. Wiz went off the rails one night after my mom had JUST had surgery. She was not supposed to be upset and he announced he was leaving and just left with a backpack. My dad went and got him and the jerk promptly left again!

    I knew where he was. I went to get him. I looked like a frumpy housewife because I had just tossed a dress on (I was in bed at the time my dad called.) I walked in ready to make a scene and call the cops if he forced me. I knew the owner of the business he was at (D&D gaming place) would back me up as he is great about that. Wiz saw me and got up, got his stuff and walked out calmly with me. We went and talked after I called my dad to say I had him.

    I told Wiz that the next time he pulled a stunt like that I was going to get a depends package and walk in with it. I would announce in my LOUDEST mommy voice that he ran away and forgot the depends he needs so he doesn't pee in the bed at night. He KNOWS I will do it.

    The first time I would go and talk with the parents. Explain that if he shows up he needs to be sent home. Some parents won't do it, but many will. Explain to the boy that if he is out with-o permission it is running away. The cops will be called (in my opinion you need to start doing that. He needs to know that you are serious about making him follow the rules.). Make sure the cops will come get him before you tell him. Call the non-emergency number and ask how they handle reports of runaways. At the very least you should make the cops take a runaway report every time he leaves with-o permission. Enough of those will get him before a judge.

    Get creative. Embarrass him in front of his friends. Make the parents aware he is not supposed to be there. Let businesses know if he hangs out at a business. The gaming place Wiz hangs out at will let a kid come back ONCE if the cops show up for them. The second time they are told to not ever come back. They are told to leave if they arrive under the influence of any drug. If they use on the property the guy calls the police. He works with police and parents to provide a safe place for the kids to play D&D Magic and other games. He has a second room that is painted black and is for kids to hang out in with black lights, music, etc.... No drugs, no tobacco, no alcohol. If your parent calls and says you have to come home then you have to leave. If he is at a business that is NOT cooperating with you, send the cops there.

    Do things like the singing. If he goes out on his bike, follow him. If he has a cell phone don't take it away. Make sure it has gps on it. Then track him. Go out and find wherever he is at.

    Another thing to do is make sure he has no house key and the doors and windows are locked. My Gma kept my dad and aunt and uncle in line by telling them they could leave at any time. But the door may or may not open when they return. She meant it. If they had run away she would have locked the house up tight and let them figure it out for themselves. If he leaves, let him spend a night in the yard. Let him worry about if you will let him back in. You have to be sure you will stick to your guns if you try this one.

    I am sure others will have creative ideas. Brainstorm. Ask your other kids what things you do embarassed them? Use those things to motivate difficult child. Heck, go up to school and let him have it there if he is acting out in school or not turning things in. Trust me, other kids will say enough to him to motivate him to do anything to keep you from doing it again.

    Just be VERY sure you follow through on EVERY thing you say you will do. If you say it, it is set in stone. NO backing out, NO do-overs, NO second chances. Follow through is CRUCIAL. Without it, all is lost.
  8. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    My ideas were along the lines of Susie's. Or tell him that if he can't be trusted to come home on time, you will have to follow him around. Or hire a babysitter (an adult) to follow him around. I would think you would only have to do this once. Maybe not at all, if he believes you will do it. No 14 year old wants their mommy following them around.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Cory knows he was difficult. That is his word for his teen years....difficult. He says there wasnt a darned thing we could have done that we didnt do to have made him a different person. He had to learn everything on his own. He does wish now that he had listened to us more.

    I have to laugh now...sometimes out loud...when he tells us that Keyana wont get away with the things he did. I just sit back and wonder exactly how he will stop her! What is his magic spell that he will use? Oh...yeah...he will whip her butt. Well that works for her because she is a easy child! She wants to please the adults in her little world.

    He sees Hailie and just shakes his head and says that Jamie is gonna have heck to pay because he got a mini Cory. Yep. Spanking doesnt do a thing. Time outs do nothing. Sigh.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, the child's innate temperament makes all the difference. They either want to please, or they don't. They either fear discipline or they don't.

    Susie, I like that idea. I did that with-difficult child but he was much younger. Makes sense it would work on anyone. :D