What next?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by exhausted, Nov 17, 2011.

  1. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I haven't posted in awhile. So busy with school and difficult child. She still does not have a job-despite 30 applications and several interviews. She's pretty discouraged and she doesn't deal with this at all. She hasn't been running off to unknown places (this is good), but she does go to friends' homes without permission. She'll just call and say where she is and when she will be home. Sometimes this is the next day. We ground her or give her a work detail for it-she will go anyway or won't do the work. Room already stripped, no cell phone, no hair appointments, no clothes, etc.

    On Sunday she told us she uses pot once in awhile. We asked her how she paid for it as we give her no money and she has no job. She told us people give it to her. She knows it's not good but insists its better than the antidepressants she is refusing to take. Honestly they really have not made much of a difference. She also told us that she was being honest with us and that was a good thing. How do we respond??? She has had years of intervention and this again.

    She finially takes the GED on November 30th and Dec. 1st. She told us she wasn't sure she wanted to go to college in January as a poor student without a car. We asked her how she could afford a car and to take driving lessons? Even with a part time job, she wont be able to pay for that, her pot and all the entertainment she seems to think is lacking in her life. She has no grasp on reality. We told her she would loose any scholarship she will get from the community college if she doesn't go to school. They offer scholarships to kids who score high on the GED and finish school early. She doesn't care. She thinks she can just work a minimum wage job and save for school. We told her at 18, she was out of the house if not in school or paying rent. Out no matter what if she did not live by our rules (she hasn't for years-we just don't have to keep her here after 18). Well I guess I won't be going to school. Really? Are you that lacking in common sense???

    Also, she missed the last 2 appointments to EMDR-said it wasn't helping. We said, mmmm seems to be helping, you are not running off anymore. I don't need therapy is her mantra. 12 step meeting? After care at Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Nope-she doesn't need that.

    Why is it I am flabber gasted at every new turn of her strategies to control and manipulate us? Why do I have so much hope? I can see her eventually forcing us to kick her out and make her homeless when she is 18. I think it would give her a high. She tells us how stupid we were to put her away in RTCs and waste our money. I wonder if she isn't trying to get back at us. She actually smiles when I ask why chores are not complete, or if she is ok with being in constant discomfort with her family. Could she have some kind of antisocial thing going on?
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh gosh, pretty complex. That revenge thing can be pretty powerful. Do you think among the other things, she really is truly angry about you sending her to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Is that something she needs to process with you? i am SURE it is not just that but seems like one that at least could be discussed. Might just make things worse though. I think though there may be legitimate diagnosis there, many many teenage kids, even the difficult child ones, dont want anyone to know what they really feel and cover it up with an I dont care attitude. It is hard to figure out which of those is pathological.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have a daughter who was a drug user (it went far beyond pot).

    I think you have some hopeful signs there. At least she lets you know where she is and has a part time job and wants to get her GED. She does seem to be lacking foresight about what the future holds for her if she doesn't straighten out, but I (in my layman's opinion) don't see signs of antisocial personality disorder. If she had it, I doubt she'd even let you know where she is. By telling you, it is at least letting you know that she is aware that you worry about her and that she is trying to make you worry less.

    My daughter was also very angry at putting her in a psychiatric hospital when she pulled a knife on herself. But she got over it. In fact, once the drugs stopped, she seemed to just melt back into that sweet child we had known only as an adult. Your child does NOT sound hopeless. Making her leave may be the shock she needs to turn her life around.

    big hugs to you...I have been there/done that. It's NOT fun, but it CAN turn around.
  4. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Thank you for your replies Buddy and Midwest Mom. I think we will find a moment to talk about the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) anger this weekend-just she and I. Good idea. Sometime I feel like such a sucker. My husband says over and over, "She is not going to change." When she does her thing, I get mad at myself and even amazed that I hold onto hope. I just have to-there is nothing else!
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Although we all know that they have to want to change...it's darn hard to watch them struggle. Her comment on wasting money on Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s has merit. If she is not motivated then placing her in a treatment program isn't likely to be of much help. To me that's the most frustrating part of this cycle. If they don't want to change lifestyles, and friends, and patterns of behavior where does the motivation come from? Some of the CD family have had to let their difficult child's "free fall" before seeing any effort come forth. Sadly, many others have found that "hitting bottom" can take a lifetime.

    One thing I truly believe is that a parent can not take emotional responsibility for the choices made by their teen. Transference of guilt is a common aspect of addiction and other disabilities. In my twelve years or so on the Board I have very very rarely known of a parent who (usually due to their own MH problems) has not consistently done the very best they could do to raise healthy functioning kids. I'm sure you are not one of those parents. You want to help her. You want to guide her. You want so badly for her to achieve happiness. The problem, sigh, is that she has to want more for her own life.
    I understand and I'm sorry you are nearing the crossroads. Whatever decisions you make have confidence in your choices and stick to them. We all have to be true to ourselves. Hugs DDD