What should I do next?

[Madcat]

Hi all, I am new so I am still trying to figure out this new site and it all seems a bit confusing... However, I am very thankful to have found it.

I am sitting here in tears cause our 13 year old son has been making the entire family miserable. There is not a day that goes by that he doesn't cause at least one or all of us to shed tears. He is angry, critical, hateful, constantly lies, hurts others physically, rude to adults and children, destructive at times... and get this... a straight A student.

Not sure where to go or what to do. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and our son is the oldest of 4 children ages: 13, 11, 7, 20 mos. all boys and the youngest a girl. Our youngest and only daughter has extensive medical problems that has put a huge strain on our family as a whole. However, our oldest son adores her and she is the only one that he "likes" and the only one that can actually make him smile. Just mentioning that cause I don't think his bitterness is caused by her problems taking over the home in a way.

In the past as a yonger child his behavior seemed very strong towards aspergers having 8 out of 10 symptoms. Our pediatrician never saw that but I did take him to a psychiatric and he unofficially diagnosis him with aspergers recommending a formal test with a psychologist which I never did. OVer time it does seem like he learned to adapt more to social norms.

I don't know what to do or where to go for help. I feel embarrassed to call the pediatrician. I am not sure what to do.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[lmf64]

Hi, glad you found us, but sorry you need to. The first thing I would do is call his pediatrician asking for a referral to a neuropsychologist for a complete evaluation. other than that, others will be along soon with more advice. I know you said you're embarrased to call the pediatrician. but most of the time you will need a referral for insurance purposes.

 

[AnnieO]

Welcome... I too, am glad you found us but sorry you had to.

My stepdaughter Onyxx was 13 when I found this board. Constant lies, physical violence, and smart as a whip! I do understand.

Sometime you will just begin to assume that everything your difficult child says is a lie unless independently verified (and not by his friends).

What worries me is the physical violence. Yes, he adores his baby sister - but adoration can be double-edged. Onyxx adores her brother - but that does not stop her from tickling him till he wets himself (at age 12), or subtly hurting him in the guise of a hug. DO NOT leave him alone with her. WATCH CLOSELY.

And FWIW, if consequences don't work, you may have to call in the authorities. Domestic violence is scary. Many people put up with it and put up and put up... and you know what? It's not right. It's not just you and your husband that have to deal with it. It's your other boys, too. And they need to be protected from this.

I don't want to give you worst-case, but is this new? Or has he always been like this? A sudden change can indicate other possibilities. Also - though he may adore lil' sis, and she makes him smile - having an addition after 7 years is a shocker. And a stressor. And she's not like him.

How is his behavior in school?

I strongly suggest the neuropsychologist, and counseling.

And lastly - more hugs for you! Take care of yourself, too.

 

[Bunny]

I can tell you that my son, who is 11, can be rude, he lies, he tell me that he hates me and his little brother, he will have screaming meltdowns that can last for hours when he doesn't get his way. And he is also a straight A student. Go figure!

Don't be embarassed to call the pediatrician and ask for the referral to a neuropsychologist. You may need it for your insurance. Agree with your husband before hand that if he refuses to go that you will pick him up, put him in the car, and someone will sit with him in the back seat until you get where you need to go. We had to threaten our difficult child with this because he said that he was not going to go when we had him evaluated, and that once we got him there he was going to tear apart the office of the doctor. I told him go ahead. Then everyone would be able to see what we have been talking about. In the end, he did not do any of it, but I think that was because he knew he was not going to get his way. His dad and I were in agreement that he had to go and we were going to make him go if it came to that.

How is his behavior in school? Does he ever give any of the teachers a hard time? Can you call his guidance counselor and ask if there is anything the school can offer you? Tell him/her that you believe that he's on the spectrum and see what they can do for him, if anything.

I agree with the other that you have to be careful when him and his brothers and sister. I know that I don't like to leave my difficult child alone with easy child. When they go down into the basement to play I always make sure that the door is open so that I can hear what is going on. I try to be in the same room with them so that one can't start with the other.

Also remember that you need to take care of yourself as well. If you are not strong you will not be able to care for your family the way that they need.

Pam