What the heck is plan B?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, Nov 21, 2008.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Up until about 4 months ago, husband has been supportive & really on the ball. Attachment therapist asked husband to come in to see him: I have no idea what went on. All I know is that therapist wanted husband to be more a part of the family therapy - especially if we wanted the tweedles to see one another again sometime; anytime in the future. (No time soon, I can assure you.)

    husband denies drinking & swears he's taking his medications.

    Having said that, husband came home angry - really angry. He hasn't said a civil word to anyone, in fact, has used some quite mean words when he has talked to either kt or myself.

    Last night all husband would say is "I'm going to implement Plan B" or "maybe plan B is the answer". I asked him what plan b is all about ~ he's not sharing.

    I have to say I finally lost it last night; I walked out of the house & slammed the door (first time in my life). When I came back into the house, husband pointed out to me how "crazy" I've become. Between the prednisone & the cerebral vasculitis I'm losing my mind. (Thanks for the reminding me of that.)

    So, what the heck is Plan B? It doesn't sound good. How do I prepare for it? I'm confused, really really confused.
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2008
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Wow, sorry, TM- it isn't exactly like you didn't already have enough to worry about. It sounds like you and husband could use a "sit down" with a therapist, just the two of you- if he'll do that.

    How's kt doing?
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Can you call the therapist and ask what happened? Let therapist know that whatever info was shared with husband was most likely taken the wrong way. Maybe husband felt attacked during that meeting? therapist has to know how husband is reacting to that meeting.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Linda}}} I am so sorry for H's behavior. I was hoping things were improving rather than worsening. You're right, Plan B doesn't sound like a good thing, especially if he's already lying about his drinking and not taking his medications. Do you think he would hurt himself or are you thinking he will just up and leave?

    Is there any way you could speak with the therapist and get a clue? Hugs~
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I'm sorry, you have alot going on already. Yes you may be having a rough time your self yet if someone told me about a possible Plan B id be slamming some doors also!!!

    I can just offer a hug and some support. I think i would let it cool down, and wait for a moment for just the two of you to sit down and talk. When things are heated i have learned is the worst time to try to resolve anything at all, or find out what the heck plan b is.

    How is kt doing???
  6. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. I had gotten that book a long time ago, just came upon it yesterday when clearing space here. I do not remember the gist of it at all, but.....I do know men and women often do think quite differently.
    It can be possible for people to behave in ways where others think they may be not takeing medications, even if the person IS takeing their medications. medications can sometimes stop working or can cause problems instead of help. People can also seem to be drinking or whatever even if they are not. And your own judgement and observations might be a little off, too, due to your own illness and medications.
    The economy is downright scary out there. Maybe husband is haveing some fears, nervousness, anxiety related to money or job security? Maybe human mortality is striking and stoking undesired behaviors? Becuz of how the prednisone tapering and methotrexate is affecting youu, maybe husband is haveing a hard time coping and adusting to that? With the holidays coming up, maybe he is haveing internal difficulties brouht back to his surface re: loseing the idea of a perfect family." And maybe he is haveing a hard time talking to you about it becuz he feels it is a sign of weakness in him, or maybe he feels you are haveing a hard enough time on your own? If his behaviors have changed since what happened at school with kt, it is possible he is feeling like he should have been able to somehow keep her safe? Or he may be haveing a very hard time realizing that even tho kt should have been safe at school, it is a hard world, and maybe he is haveing to now face that reality.

    Plan B could be just a way for him to say he cannot yet really verbalisze further?
    When my husband began to be very mentally ill, very obviously so, it was so hard for me to accept.....then when he began to be physically unable to function, whew- that was hard, too. Then I became mentally unstable, due to bipolar, and then later when I was so very sick and a quadrilegic, it gave me time to lay here and observe differently. It is one thing to be the ill partner, it is another to have your spouse be so ill. Before I got ill myself, there would be many times I very much resented my husband mental and o physical illnesses, I felt so overwhelmed trying to financially support us myself, haveing to take care of all the neds of all 3 kids, home, hearth and finances alone and also all our social needs - all without the benefit of a physical partner to pitch in with chores, or be there emotionally or anything. Sure my head understood the magnitude of my DHs illnesses, but, that still did not help take away the feelings of being overwhelmed I had. THen when I got so ill, the whole family went akilter.

    My husband has been ill a long long time, now. You would thinnk by now, I would be settled in. I'm not. I still have days or weeks when I still resent his illnesses, and how they affect our life. I still have periods of time where I think whew, this is not fair. I still have times where I do not know what to tell husband or how to tell him so he understands......times when I wonder what should I try to tell him? I do not mean we have "secrets" becuz we don't. Never have....
    I maybe am not explaining things very well here.....um, when easy child was so sick at the beginiinning of this pregnancy.....husband of course knew she was preg and she was sick. He knew it was serious, but did he know HOW seriuos? One of the things his psychs decided was a trigger for his PTSD was simply becoming a father----by haveing children, he suddenly became vulnerable again like he had not been since combat. Now one of his children was in danger, and so was is grandchild to be. It was hard for me to know if should try and break thru my husband mental state to make sure he understood. He had the right to be made aware. And many would say it was his responsibility to be aware. But here we know he had neither the physical nor mental ability for that info to do little more than destabilize him and cause US even MORE difficulties here. So, on top of coping and dealing with easy child and the docs Easy Child.and my own emotions and difficult children emotions and our sons needs of the moment- I was agonizing over------1. the situation. 2. haveing to cope alone and my resentment tat my partner was unable to BE a "full partner" to me thru it, and my anger about it all. I do not think I said anything about Plan B, but.....I know my behavior was........"off" - and that was on top of my behavior related to the crisis at hand.

    Your family has a lot going on. Your husband may be feeling overwhelmed. It does not necessarily mean he is drinking and or not taking his medications. And being male, he may be thinking, especially in light of your illness, that he has to work thru things by himself.

    I WISh You luck, it is not easy.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Linda ((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))

    Your house sounds like it needs a Come to Jesus Meeting - stat. There is not one person in your house that can understand fully exactly what the other person is feeling. When you live with someone who has pain and is disabled, and are the walking one - you feel jyped - a lot. Sadly there isn't much the person in pain can do to make the other partner feel better unless you're both able to communicate and not shut down. I'd tell husband that now is not the time to stop talking.

    I have no idea what the T-doctor said, but I do have some kind of idea what it's like to be both people in your home. I've been the sick person that had to go to work, and I've been the fairly well person that had to come home every single day to the really sick, disabled, not feeling well person. At times it's overwhelming for me. Some nights I honestly don't want to call and ask "How are you?" because I TRULY can't handle hearing "Well I fell again, I'm going to be on the couch for a week, I hurt myself, I have a headache." I KNOW he doesnt' feel well.

    I do know that as the partner of a disabled man I HAD TO FIND A WAY to rise above it (it being the sickness, disability, the daily "I tried to do something today and hurt myself worse" and walk out the door and see him laying on the couch while I go off to two jobs. Some days it makes me more mad and frustrated that I could tell you -but then I tell myself - I AM GLAD I'm not laying there, in pain and I'm sure if he could he would be up. I had a choice - I told my therapist that I LOVE with all my heart my DF - not just the parts of him that are well - ALL of him. And it skunks because we are going on year 8 of "The lights at the zoo, the lighting of the tree downtown, riding a Harley in the cool air, walking nearly ANYWHERE." and I secretly wish - I had someone to do that with but....I DO have DF - he just isnt' able to do "those things" and so I settle for a night in, watching TV and thanking God that I do have someone who cares about me as much as he does despite his problems.

    Doesn't mean I love him less, it meant to me that I needed to adjust MY life to figure out HOW I could continue to love this person JUST AS HE IS and stop "wishing" for the things that I know I can't have - because when I oooh and aaah over things - it just makes him feel worse - and if I love him - my thought is I lift him up - not tear him down.

    Whatever plan B is - I would tell him how scared his comment made you. Tell him how you feel and how much you love him and that you need to know he's going to be THERE for YOU - and let him know the negative behavior on both parts - needs improvement. Ask him what YOU can do for him -

    I am sorry that you have this hurt -on top of the hurt you can do little about. Let him know he has a choice - to rise above this because he loves you and doesn't want to make you feel bad - does he need a place to go - a word or a gesture that is just between the two of you that is UNDERSTOOD as a time out??? Does HE feel appreciated? Things like that.

    If you like to read - I HIGHLY recommend reading a book called The Love Languages. When it was handed to me I thought "OMG another sappy do-gooder, monitor riser.....I finally sat and read it one day and the insight in that book really changed HOW I look at others. Some of are need to hear words to feel reassured, some of us need to see deeds done to feel reassured....and on and on. It really is a fascinating look at how people perceive love.

    I'm enternally optimistic that plan B - whatever it was changes to plan I'll B more understanding. But seriously - no more open sentences - you both have to start somewhere - and I totally get slamming the door, but it STILL said - YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND me.

    Hugs and good luck -
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    No matter what husband means by Plan B...you have to recognize that you do not have control of "his" plan. All you can do is wait until he is ready to share with you what he means. Then you will be able to analyze his plan
    and then chalk it up for the correct part of the Serenity Prayer. You can have the serenity to accept it, the courage to try to change it or the wisdom needed to know which option to choose. Meanwhile have faith that after so many very very difficult years as partners...your husband is not morphing into an unknown evil entitiy. He may NEED things to change to save himself. That is not wrong. Maybe he no longer can accept the things he can not change. Maybe he no longer has the courage needed.
    Maybe he is just accepting that he has given his best and now neeeds to
    ease the burden.

    Most men do not give up their individual lives for their children. My husband is truly one of the finest men you'll ever meet. He, in recent years, REALLY resents that we have sacraficed our lives and happiness because of GFGmom. In retrospect we BOTH wonder if the choices that we made decade after decade really were "best" and "necessary". We are not bad
    people. Self-sacrafice is a beautiful thing in novels and movies but in reality it leads to a loss of personal interests and goal, a loss of financial
    security, a loss of "normal" friendships etc. etc.

    Don't fear Plan B. The man you met and married before the wedding and before the children has the right to explore plan options. Have faith. DDD
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Linda, the others have said things so well. I just want to send hugs and prayers that husband will be able to communicate with you on this. Also sending prayers that kt is doing better.
  10. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Well said, DDD.

    Linda, my friend, I'm sorry you're hurt and confused.
  11. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Just hugs Linda. I'm sorry husband is being this way. It is frustrating when they give hints about what "may" happen without letting you know what is "may" be. Like it was stated earlier, you have no control over him or what he does. You can only control your reaction to his "stuff." He is trying to manipulate you in some way. Don't let him make you feel guilty for being ill.
  12. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Hugs -

    I can't begin to imagine what it was like hearing something like that. I probably would have told him he could stick his plan B where the sun doesn't shine. Along with his other comments. It isn't like you don't deal with everything too including his carp. Again hugs. I think sometimes slamming doors can be theraputic.

  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, Linda, I don't know what Plan B might be, but it sure does not sound like a good thing.

    I think you need to call the therapist, and maybe you and husband need to see him together, or maybe you just need to talk together.

    Personally I would be quite upset if the therapist braoched a plan b with-o talking to both of you together. I think that is WRONG. You BOTH are the parents of hte tweedles and you BOTH are responsible for your family.

    It really is tough when one partner is very ill, esp for a long time. I am going through it with MY spouse. But NEVER would we let a doctor come up with a Plan B for us, with-o us talking about it.

    Is husband drinking? I see that he is denying it, but am not sure what besides his behavior makes you think he is. Is he taking his medications? You should be able to figure that out by the dates on the refills from the pharmacy. Heck, the insurance statements should show the refill dates.

    You may be acting "crazy" and not knowing it. Is this a possibility with the prednisone and other medications and the physical problems? You may need to allow a little "slack" for yourself or for him. I don't know, but I DO know prednisone can make a person rather irrational.

    I am sending good vibes and keeping all of you inmy prayers.

    The other thing that came to mind is that maybe husband thinks the tweedles should not see each other again period, or thougth that decision had been made and was blindsided by the therapist and the suggestions htat he do something more or different so that they could see each other.

    Many hugs for all of you. I am so sorry this has happened.
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Hugs Linda........Many, many hugs.

    It will be OK.

    Plan B could be anything. It could simply be his own style of coping. Plan B could mean writing his frustration down instead of drinking. Who knows what he meant. Try not to put too much merit into his words.

    I am sorry he has not a nice word to say lately. He must really be upset about what happened to kt too, but perhaps unable to articulate it in a healthy way.

    How is kt doing?

    We are all rooting and praying for you.
  15. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Well, I found out that plan b is moving out ~ as soon as possible. Whether it's due to his stress level, anger toward my illness, that combined with the tweedles, etc. Whether it's due to his recent detox, & diagnosis of bipolar, I don't know. What I know is that during all that combined with tweedle issues & my mom dying, I didn't have the luxury of running away.

    I supported him during the economic tech downturn while he finished his degree (worked & parented the tweedles).

    I have thanked him & told him how much I appreciated how much he did for us (working & the visits with wm); this morning he told me that he was only a wallet. My mouth fell to the ground.

    I have little sympathy for his stress & anger right now. There are several people waiting to help husband; wanting to see him & work with him. These people believe in & like our family & want to see us make it.

    husband informed me he's leaving sometime today - I don't know where he's going. After his tantrum this morning, don't really care. He will not abuse kt or myself verbally or emotionally - PERIOD. I told him I'm willing to meet with him at therapist's office to discuss this - nope, for him it's over.

    Time to search for a lawyer; leaving me with 2 special needs kids & me with a debilitating & fairly active disease taking me down?
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oh, TL, I'm sorry.... He is really sounding self-centered right now. maybe he needs time alone- a lot of it- and this might end up with the two of you feeling the other way around before it's over.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, WOW, Linda! I am sorry he is so filled with self-pity and is being so selfish. I know you have sacrificed much for the marriage, for his goals, and for the tweedles. And then this illness hit after you forced the system to make precedent setting accomodations for your children. That alone was a Herculean task.

    And the illness is another one. While I realize the burden on husband's is heavy, esp if we have a disease of some kind, verbally ausing you and kt, and just walking out, that is very selfish.

    He may simply be feeling incredibly overwhelmed, but you have worked so HARD on your marriage. I am very sad for you, but proud you set boundaries in place regarding hte verbal abuse.

    Many gentle hugs. Let me know if there is anything at all I can do.

  18. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh Linda..........Linda I am so, so sorry. There are just no words.

    I have certainly had it happen to me, and it was horrible - but I was not physically disabled on top of it - nor was I married as long as you 2 have been. It is a heart ache of all heart aches to go through this.

    I wish I had more words of wisdom, but I am stuck. I have none. I guess all you can do is endure, and perhaps be thankful that now there will be some peace in your home.

    Do you have family that can step in and help you physically do the things that need to get done?

    Many hugs and prayers being sent your way.
  19. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I just can not believe but then I can. He is just giving up, isn't he? I am just sitting here holding back tears thinking how stinking angry I would be. How many emotions I would be feeling.
    Part of me says well you don't need his baggage and if he is so miserable then let him go. But another feels like, he has to stay, he got into this just like you! You never walked away!
    It just isn't fair, why does he get to walk away?

    I hate this for you and the kids. I am so so very sorry
    I was just sitting outside yesterday and the birds are migrating here, I saw the most beautiful Red Flycatcher, I thought of you...
    I know you don't feel strong, but you are.
  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    It is time to mourn. Truly I am very sorry, Linda. The only positive thing I can think of right now is that you do have a support system that you trust to help you through this transition. Making sure that you are aok is the most important aspect of the time.

    Your husband has chosen an alternate path for now..perhaps for the future. Now you must chose carefully on a daily basis the best way for you to get through that 24 hour period. In time, once adjustments are made, you may find a surprising peace knowing that you faced your grief, coped with it and then made a new life.

    Sending sincere hugs and prayers. DDD