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What to do about snotty behavior?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 19406" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You've already found something that seems to nip it in the bud - walking away. With my kids, talking to them as you have tried WOULD work most of the time (then I walk away), but every kid is different, which is why it's a matter of trial and error.</p><p></p><p>Can you think of where this could have come from? Where did he pick up this bad habit? A classmate? A friend? Some time way back when a teacher was sarcastic? These kids can be amazingly quick to learn the wrong ways to behave, especially when they succeed in pushing our buttons (as he has done in the past with a lot of success). It's the question of where did his first bit of snottiness come from... it might give you a clue on how to attack it.</p><p></p><p>Example: easy child used to get REALLY snotty. Not imitative like yours, thank goodness, but still really superior and sarcastic, even with me. Really horrible and over the top. </p><p>We have a close friend with an exceptionally talented (now adult) daughter "Sharon", who has also been snotty and a behaviour problem. This young friend (much more mature now, but still a long way to go) would pontificate on any subject and you still CAN NEVER have a normal conversation when she is in the room - she HAS to dominate. easy child would get annoyed and frustrated with her. While admiring and valuing her talent and ability, her behaviour would rile her immensely.</p><p>So whenever easy child got snotty, I would begin calling her "Sharon". She got the message darned quick. And if she was a bit slow to pick up, or insisted her behaviour was nothing like Sharon's, I offered to videotape her.</p><p></p><p>Imitating to annoy is very childish and petty. It would really rile me - you gotta work hard to not react to that one.</p><p></p><p>Is there any way you can have a serious, grown-up talk with him when he's NOT being snotty? Something along the lines if, "I've really appreciated your good behaviour so far this morning. Thank you. I wish we could get on like this all the time - do you think we could try?" And if the opportunity then arises to ask him what makes him do that, see if you can discuss it with him in a non-judgmental way. Has he had kids do this at school to him? Or is he doing it at school to teachers? Did you ever have someone do it to you when you were at school?</p><p>If he's experienced it, ask him how it felt. Not good. Then ask him why he wants to make you feel that way - is he so angry with you that he wants to make you sad or upset?</p><p>You will need to work hard to keep this a conversation (him and you) and not a lecture (you only). If he stops contributing, stop talking. You need the sort of "let's chat over milk and cookies" type of talk. You need to be able to finish the talk on a friendly note, with a hug if he's into hugs. Agree to BOTH keep trying to be good to each other. And if he falls of the wagon (which he will) - just walk away again.</p><p>THAT walk away will do more than all the others, in the long run.</p><p></p><p>But it will depend on how you handle it and how receptive he can be.</p><p></p><p>Another serious suggestion that did work for us - the clinical psychologist we took our kids to would work on issues like this but using their professional skills. They then fed back to us as parents, what strategies they had worked out to handle the problem. Even a reward system can help, once you have made some progress and the kid is prepared to own their behaviour. But you would really need professional help with that one, I think.</p><p></p><p>We didn't need long series of sessions with the psychologist - we only see them for a few blocks, when we ring up and ask for another series because we have a specific issue to deal with. We have a different clinical psychologist for each of the kids - it's just how it worked out.</p><p></p><p>Snottiness like this can happen in PCs too - as I said, easy child was one of my worst. But where it's taken her - she's a darling, now. But nobody's pushover, which is what she needs in order to survive professionally. I guess I went overboard to make sure she had all the confidence I lacked when I was her age.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with this one.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 19406, member: 1991"] You've already found something that seems to nip it in the bud - walking away. With my kids, talking to them as you have tried WOULD work most of the time (then I walk away), but every kid is different, which is why it's a matter of trial and error. Can you think of where this could have come from? Where did he pick up this bad habit? A classmate? A friend? Some time way back when a teacher was sarcastic? These kids can be amazingly quick to learn the wrong ways to behave, especially when they succeed in pushing our buttons (as he has done in the past with a lot of success). It's the question of where did his first bit of snottiness come from... it might give you a clue on how to attack it. Example: easy child used to get REALLY snotty. Not imitative like yours, thank goodness, but still really superior and sarcastic, even with me. Really horrible and over the top. We have a close friend with an exceptionally talented (now adult) daughter "Sharon", who has also been snotty and a behaviour problem. This young friend (much more mature now, but still a long way to go) would pontificate on any subject and you still CAN NEVER have a normal conversation when she is in the room - she HAS to dominate. easy child would get annoyed and frustrated with her. While admiring and valuing her talent and ability, her behaviour would rile her immensely. So whenever easy child got snotty, I would begin calling her "Sharon". She got the message darned quick. And if she was a bit slow to pick up, or insisted her behaviour was nothing like Sharon's, I offered to videotape her. Imitating to annoy is very childish and petty. It would really rile me - you gotta work hard to not react to that one. Is there any way you can have a serious, grown-up talk with him when he's NOT being snotty? Something along the lines if, "I've really appreciated your good behaviour so far this morning. Thank you. I wish we could get on like this all the time - do you think we could try?" And if the opportunity then arises to ask him what makes him do that, see if you can discuss it with him in a non-judgmental way. Has he had kids do this at school to him? Or is he doing it at school to teachers? Did you ever have someone do it to you when you were at school? If he's experienced it, ask him how it felt. Not good. Then ask him why he wants to make you feel that way - is he so angry with you that he wants to make you sad or upset? You will need to work hard to keep this a conversation (him and you) and not a lecture (you only). If he stops contributing, stop talking. You need the sort of "let's chat over milk and cookies" type of talk. You need to be able to finish the talk on a friendly note, with a hug if he's into hugs. Agree to BOTH keep trying to be good to each other. And if he falls of the wagon (which he will) - just walk away again. THAT walk away will do more than all the others, in the long run. But it will depend on how you handle it and how receptive he can be. Another serious suggestion that did work for us - the clinical psychologist we took our kids to would work on issues like this but using their professional skills. They then fed back to us as parents, what strategies they had worked out to handle the problem. Even a reward system can help, once you have made some progress and the kid is prepared to own their behaviour. But you would really need professional help with that one, I think. We didn't need long series of sessions with the psychologist - we only see them for a few blocks, when we ring up and ask for another series because we have a specific issue to deal with. We have a different clinical psychologist for each of the kids - it's just how it worked out. Snottiness like this can happen in PCs too - as I said, easy child was one of my worst. But where it's taken her - she's a darling, now. But nobody's pushover, which is what she needs in order to survive professionally. I guess I went overboard to make sure she had all the confidence I lacked when I was her age. Good luck with this one. Marg [/QUOTE]
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