What to do?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Dec 28, 2016.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well I am feeling at a bit of a loss. My son is home and is basically hiding out from us in his room. We are pretty sure he is drinking a lot although we dont know how much or where he his getting it. He is clearly depressed and of course drinking is making that worse. I think he is hiding out from us, getting up in the middle of the night etc because he doesn't want us to see him drunk. So it is not like we are having to deal directly with his drunkenness. I am glad of that to be honest.

    But he is not doing anything constructive that I can see.

    I do feel strongly that he needs to figure out himself that he needs help and want it. I cant make him get it at this point. We have been down that road. At the same time I am not sure how long I can sit by and watch him self destruct. It is heartbreaking and pathetic and I am doing all I can so that I am ok.

    My husband who hardly every says anything is also pretty concerned.


    We are not going to do anything until after New years but then I think we need to say something. But what?

    I dont want to kick him out because he is depressed. I cant make him get treatment. I can let him know we love him and are concerned but then what?

    Any ideas?

    TL
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You could set a few reasonable boundaries that make things up to him. If this were my son he would not drink in my house. If he can't follow that rule then at least you know he can't stop drinking. Eating dinner at the table isn't unreasonable or looking for a job...doesnt have to be full time. in my opinion it's not good or healthy for him to do nothing at all.

    Sorry. Good luck.
     
  3. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Member

    I believe our approach to addiction - at least in the US - is pretty archaic. But maybe you can find a good doctor who can prescribe antidepressants, and anti craving medications (not antabuse or anything like that!) if that is appropriate. And a therapist he feels comfortable with as well. Maybe something like that will feel more doable to him and you rather than kicking him out, or going to an expensive (and maybe dubious) treatment center.
    Maybe you can do some research and carefully bring up some options for him. I would be careful not to just use ADs, since I have heard they can make a person crave carbs, possibly alcohol.
    Google "The Irrationality of AA" just for what they say about medications.
     
  4. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    AD have saved our son. He did take anti craving medications...bad side affects...but the only one thing is he wants to quit drinking? I don't know I'd AD is good while he's still drinking?
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    TL

    We have been where you are. It's so hard to pretend "all is okay". I know. We've done that/been there. We've looked the other way. We've hoped it just get better on its own with our love and support. It just never did. It consumed my every thought. It was taking a major toll on my marriage. We had some good times then, sure but it was like an evil lurking around every corner. Things we chose not to deal with because we just don't have any idea what to do and feel trapped and hopeless. That is exactly where we were for many years with our son. His life consumed our lives. No one gets it unless they live it. My heart goes out to you.

    You have tried it all, I know. So what do you do now? I would have to agree with SWOT. Some firm boundaries must be set and met for him to continue to live in your home. It's easier for me to say now that my son is not in our home. I just spent some time with him and at times I felt sad/guilty thinking he's not so bad etc. and what kind of mom am I and then I think of this forum and what would you all say; but then I'd have moments where I knew he would not do well at home. He has not grown enough and even if he does, I'd be terrified to let him come home. I can't even think of going through that hell again. I can't take it. My son truly did not think he needed help and did not want help and didn't embrace the "programs" and still does not have a good sense of self. He is young and immature yet; but I don't know if he ever will. He is managing on his own. Not 100% where I want him to be. Not even 50% but I have my life back. I don't know if he'll ever live the life I want him to live. I am trying to let it go.

    I enjoy our visits but are glad when they are over. I know that some people will think that is horrible but those here will understand the suffering that brings you to that place.
     
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  6. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    I've been following your story, and I feel terrible for you and your husband. I don't know what we would do in your situation either. It seems wrong to throw a loved one out who is suffering, and yet you are suffering too. My heart goes out to you.
     
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I dont think I can enforce him not drinking at home... and to be honest I am not sure I want him drinking away from home either. That is more dangerous. But you ar right we need to set some more boundaries. This clearly isn't working and I think he knows it. I think we are going to have to confront him after the new year. Ugh I hate this.
     
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We are here to support you! Let us know how it goes. I sometimes think that THINKING about it is worse than doing it. You build up so much anxiety and isn't anxiety the fear of the worst thing happening? I have anxiety a lot now too and I never did before.
     
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    What were the goals or reasons for him to move home in the first place? What progress is he making toward these goals? Maybe it is time to discuss these and what his intentions are regarding these goals and how long he intends to live with you? It seems to me that just talking about his drinking isn't going to accomplish much. He needs to build a life, not just not drink. So maybe it is time for him to start working toward some goals, and if he cannot, maybe he needs to start looking for a place to live and to have a date to move out by that is sooner than expected. Progress or move out. It can be progress toward sobriety or toward whatever life he wants, but forward progress is needed, something besides hiding in his room all day, hiding from life.

    This is just a thought, I don't know if it is helpful at all.
     
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Actually Susie that was really helpful. The reason for moving home was he came back from out of state to face up to his legal problems (which I was proud of him for). He did a couple of months in jail and then came home. The goals were for him to get a job and get his life together. But truthfully they were not super clearly stated. He definitely had them but I am not sure he is clear about them now. So part of the conversation is to clarify his goals and like you said he needs to be making progress forward and right now he is not. But thinking about goals and progress is a way to make this a positive conversation about his future rather than a negative one about what he is not doing. thanks.
     
  11. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    If there's some kind of goal for him it will help him feel motivated and possibly pull him out of depression. Help him find a goal!
     
  12. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I have lived this. It is heartbreaking and kills you inside as a parent.

    My son moved out last April, and even though times have been up and down, we are all doing better. (Most days, today is not one of them... hence me being online at four am)


    I am sorry for your pain.