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What works for you? Help with lying/manipulative teen needed.
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<blockquote data-quote="TargetPractice" data-source="post: 699190" data-attributes="member: 20771"><p>Thanks for the reply, Wiped Out. I try my best to take care of myself, which can be a challenge due to my fibromyalgia, which the kids don't know about because their father would use it against me (unfortunately, stress, and therefore my son, is a major pain trigger for me--another reason I struggle with resentment). His good qualities....we try, we even create foolproof opportunities for him to succeed, but haven't found his special niche yet. We're still trying. His most engaging qualities are never visible anymore, he is all anger, defiance and arrogance. We all walk on eggshells, especially if we have to ask him to do something or discipline him. I've recently added writing out my negative feelings and reactions so they can get out of me in a safe way to my usual coping strategies. The hardest thing is getting through those days when he's in full defiant, manipulative form. Those are the days all I want to do is let the brutally honest truth about the effects of his behavior fly free, and frustration with the fact that I cannot assert my basic human right not to be abused in my own home. Those are the days I struggle the most. He gets to hurt, and I get to take it without being able to protect myself. I feel like so much is bottled up. I have talked to my AMAZING husband, and to a therapist, but they're not the ones who have hurt me, or can do anything to change it. Only the boy can, and we have talked to him about empathy and respect. He feels that if someone is hurt by his words or actions, that its their fault for feeling hurt, not his for engaging in cruel behavior. His counselor said he will only change if he decides to since his disorder is purely behavioral, so I feel like I'm stuck. If I could afford it and if I thought there was a snowball's chance his bio dad would agree, I'd send him to one of those behavioral boys' ranches, hoping it would help him, but knowing that the rest of us would have a chance to heal. I'm afraid he'll never change. His father is exactly the same, so is father's mother, and her mother before her. They can all turn on the charm when they want to, so I wasn't aware I had gotten myself in with a nest of abusers until it was too late. I find myself wanting to give up on him frequently. Right now, he's on a video game because that's all he wants to do and its the only time he's too busy to antagonize everyone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TargetPractice, post: 699190, member: 20771"] Thanks for the reply, Wiped Out. I try my best to take care of myself, which can be a challenge due to my fibromyalgia, which the kids don't know about because their father would use it against me (unfortunately, stress, and therefore my son, is a major pain trigger for me--another reason I struggle with resentment). His good qualities....we try, we even create foolproof opportunities for him to succeed, but haven't found his special niche yet. We're still trying. His most engaging qualities are never visible anymore, he is all anger, defiance and arrogance. We all walk on eggshells, especially if we have to ask him to do something or discipline him. I've recently added writing out my negative feelings and reactions so they can get out of me in a safe way to my usual coping strategies. The hardest thing is getting through those days when he's in full defiant, manipulative form. Those are the days all I want to do is let the brutally honest truth about the effects of his behavior fly free, and frustration with the fact that I cannot assert my basic human right not to be abused in my own home. Those are the days I struggle the most. He gets to hurt, and I get to take it without being able to protect myself. I feel like so much is bottled up. I have talked to my AMAZING husband, and to a therapist, but they're not the ones who have hurt me, or can do anything to change it. Only the boy can, and we have talked to him about empathy and respect. He feels that if someone is hurt by his words or actions, that its their fault for feeling hurt, not his for engaging in cruel behavior. His counselor said he will only change if he decides to since his disorder is purely behavioral, so I feel like I'm stuck. If I could afford it and if I thought there was a snowball's chance his bio dad would agree, I'd send him to one of those behavioral boys' ranches, hoping it would help him, but knowing that the rest of us would have a chance to heal. I'm afraid he'll never change. His father is exactly the same, so is father's mother, and her mother before her. They can all turn on the charm when they want to, so I wasn't aware I had gotten myself in with a nest of abusers until it was too late. I find myself wanting to give up on him frequently. Right now, he's on a video game because that's all he wants to do and its the only time he's too busy to antagonize everyone. [/QUOTE]
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