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What works for you? Help with lying/manipulative teen needed.
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<blockquote data-quote="TargetPractice" data-source="post: 700488" data-attributes="member: 20771"><p>Things regarding his father are especially difficult, boy also has an adjustment disorder which the psychologist believes is actually being re-triggered by the difference in environments and continued hostility towards me from their father every time they have visitation. His father, of course, believes there is no problem, that I "manipulated" the counselor, psychologist and psychiatrist (I must be quite skilled, manipulating all those professionals!). Boy has learned that he can tell his dad anything and, as long as it puts me in a negative light, he'll believe it. He uses this frequently to punish me for disciplining, correcting, or denying him a privilege he hasn't earned. He sees his dad as an ideal, and simply can't accept his dad canceling on him, and therefore not living up to that ideal, so he tries to make it my fault somehow. I refuse to accept that blame.</p><p></p><p>I would show him the texts, unfortunately his father is verbally abusive in the way he communicates, and I cannot show a text without something abusive being on the same screen (for some reason, I'm still trying to be somewhat honorable and not undermine their relationship with their dad). I read him the text last time, and while he stopped arguing, he did go the next time and make up a bunch of stories so his dad would lash out at me. I may well be wasting my time explaining and proving, since the result is the same either way. </p><p></p><p>I like the idea of a behavior contract. I will do some research and talk to his counselor to make sure its fair, appropriate and has no loopholes (he's a "silence means consent", " ask forgiveness instead of permission" kind of person). I've also considered recording some of his hostile interactions and illogical responses to play back (he will deny everything, even when caught red handed-- he once tried to say his brother bit himself on the back of the shoulder blade to cover up the fact that he actually did it, despite bite marks and the physical impossibility of biting your own shoulder blade) but being proved wrong only makes him retaliate more, and more viciously, while refusing to discuss it further will result in him feeling like he has won, or gotten away with something, and we see the villain smile again. There is literally no approach that leads to acceptance of facts with this kid. Maybe a contract will serve as an inarguable reminder of his obligations and responsibilities as a member of our household, including honesty and respect, and contacted consequences he has previously agreed on. No one to blame but himself if he violates the terms. Also leaves no room for debate. </p><p></p><p>I think since I get the same results no matter what, I will stop trying to get him to see facts when he doesn't want to. Something like,"I'm sorry you see it that way" and done. Walk away, refuse to discuss further. He may be one of those people that spends years learning things the hard way before getting it, which is unfortunate for him, and for those of us close to him.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for all the ideas to try!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TargetPractice, post: 700488, member: 20771"] Things regarding his father are especially difficult, boy also has an adjustment disorder which the psychologist believes is actually being re-triggered by the difference in environments and continued hostility towards me from their father every time they have visitation. His father, of course, believes there is no problem, that I "manipulated" the counselor, psychologist and psychiatrist (I must be quite skilled, manipulating all those professionals!). Boy has learned that he can tell his dad anything and, as long as it puts me in a negative light, he'll believe it. He uses this frequently to punish me for disciplining, correcting, or denying him a privilege he hasn't earned. He sees his dad as an ideal, and simply can't accept his dad canceling on him, and therefore not living up to that ideal, so he tries to make it my fault somehow. I refuse to accept that blame. I would show him the texts, unfortunately his father is verbally abusive in the way he communicates, and I cannot show a text without something abusive being on the same screen (for some reason, I'm still trying to be somewhat honorable and not undermine their relationship with their dad). I read him the text last time, and while he stopped arguing, he did go the next time and make up a bunch of stories so his dad would lash out at me. I may well be wasting my time explaining and proving, since the result is the same either way. I like the idea of a behavior contract. I will do some research and talk to his counselor to make sure its fair, appropriate and has no loopholes (he's a "silence means consent", " ask forgiveness instead of permission" kind of person). I've also considered recording some of his hostile interactions and illogical responses to play back (he will deny everything, even when caught red handed-- he once tried to say his brother bit himself on the back of the shoulder blade to cover up the fact that he actually did it, despite bite marks and the physical impossibility of biting your own shoulder blade) but being proved wrong only makes him retaliate more, and more viciously, while refusing to discuss it further will result in him feeling like he has won, or gotten away with something, and we see the villain smile again. There is literally no approach that leads to acceptance of facts with this kid. Maybe a contract will serve as an inarguable reminder of his obligations and responsibilities as a member of our household, including honesty and respect, and contacted consequences he has previously agreed on. No one to blame but himself if he violates the terms. Also leaves no room for debate. I think since I get the same results no matter what, I will stop trying to get him to see facts when he doesn't want to. Something like,"I'm sorry you see it that way" and done. Walk away, refuse to discuss further. He may be one of those people that spends years learning things the hard way before getting it, which is unfortunate for him, and for those of us close to him. Thanks for all the ideas to try! [/QUOTE]
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What works for you? Help with lying/manipulative teen needed.
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