What would be your punishment for this? (easy child)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Nov 9, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yes, she's still a easy child, but she's spoiled too.

    Today, I kept her and my son out of school early for dental appointments. After that, both wanted to wait until lunch instead of walking into school in the middle of a class (embarassing). They go to two different schools. The schools are in opposite directions.

    My daughter wanted to go home and wait, but I had to get her and my son to school at exactly the same time, so I insisted she wait at her father's work and then he'd drive her. It was more practical. She pouted and said she wouldn't get out of the car and that she wanted to go home, not wait there. Since she is usually a easy child, she did not kick or scream or say much, but when we got to her dad's work, she wouldn't get out of the car. She wouldn't even do it for her dad, which is unusual. I opened the door and said, "N., I have to drive your brother to school. Get out. Now."

    Daughter slammed out of the car and said under her breath, "I hope you die."

    I was shocked to hear that, especially from her. She was already sitting in hub's truck so I opened the door and very calmly said, "That was a terrible thing to say to anybody. I'm an older mom. You'll get your wish one day." I shut the door. I was trembling.

    Hub was pretty useless, at least at the moment. I told him about it and he looked surprised, but didn't say anything to her, so I just drove home, trying to act normal for my son, who had been in his own world and not paying attention to the small drama going on outside the car.

    I called hub after I dropped L. off at school and he said, "I chewed her out good in the car. Blah, blah, blah."

    I said, "What is her punishment going to be?"

    He said, "Well, I'll take her to basketball practice tonight and then she's grounded until the weekend."

    Ok, that didn't work for me. My daughter LOVES basketball and is on a cage team that does tournaments, and she has a big one this weekend. It's out of town and will cost us $$$, which we don't have. I think she should be grounded the entire week, all basketball festivities included. Hub will go along with me, but I'm not sure if I should keep her from playing. I know she didn't mean what she said; still it was nasty and she is spoiled.

    Would you have punished your child? Remember, she has no disorder as an excuse. She doesn't "lose it." Or am I over-reacting since she obviously doesn't mean it, and we are close?

    Thoughts? Thank you all in advance. I didn't put this on "General" because she's really NOT a difficult child most of the time.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Uhmmm...I'm not used to a easy child. LOL! But I tend to think going middle of the road on this one. IOW, letting it pass altogether does not sound like a good idea to me but I think taking her from the basketball activities is going a little too far. Really, I'm not so sure that a punishment in the traditional sense would be very effective. Maybe husband should handle this (with input from you in private) and talk to her about doing something for you as a way to make up for the direspect she showed you. That's just my 2 cents, but again, I'm not used to a easy child. I still would expect an apology from my son. I don't think I would do any favors for him until I felt like he understood that he can't expect bennies from me and talk to me that way.
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    While its certainly no fun and surely not acceptable, I think it is pretty typical teen (there's that awful term again).

    I'm also not sure what punishment would be. easy child 1 never wished me dead, but difficult child 1 did. My response to him was always "ok" and let it go. If this is really the only thing your easy child has done, I'd be tempted to leave it at what you said and go on.

    It sounds to me like the basketball tourny this weekend is really going to put you and husband in a bind financially and would be more convenient to not have your easy child attend. I don't think I would just tell her she can't go because of her behavior, but I might tell her that, given the death wish she expressed, that you're not real inclined to bust your hiney to cover the expenses to get her there...you're not taking away basketball, you're taking away your willingness to do something nice for her in response to her being nasty to you...

    That's my .02. Probably about all its worth.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Good point, Shari- maybe reimbursing some of the expenses for the tourney is a great way to show her not to take you for granted and verbally walk on you.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I think you need to remind her WHO is funding her basketball activities....and her healthy teeth (it was a dental appointment that started this whole thing, right?)....and her transportation....and her everything. This blow-up was about looking cool? Who is paying for the cool clothes and the cool shoes etc etc etc.

    I think she needs to apologize...really apologize....and she needs to show you that she does appreciate you and everything you do for her in the form of some sort of restitution. Maybe she needs to be the "mom" for a day....cooking, cleaning etc....while you relax.

    As for funding the basketball....I wouldn't give any money to anyone who wants me dead. If she apologizes, makes this up to you and then asks really really really nicely....then I might consider paying for a basketball trip.

    Let us know how it goes....

  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think I might add some chores to the deal in order to make up for cost of expenses for basketball. They never seem to understand that washing, cleaning, cooking, help with homework, driving to and from activities, paying for activities, etc. 24/7 every single moment of the day might not be what you want to do, and while you understand that it was you that decided to have children, it is them who wants the extras.

    Then again, if you don't stick with husband's ruling, you aren't presenting a united front and she has divided you two and made the debate between the two of you rather than about her. So, maybe if she wants to continue this stuff beyond the weekend, she needs to step up her home game.
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey! Everyone is entitled to a bad day. The problem here is that she's not ordinarily like this, so it caught you off guard.

    Since the two of you are so close, I think I'd got the "can we talk" route. Let her know that while you understand where she was coming from, you will not tolerate disrespect or refusal. Explain that while you don't blame her for not wanting to go back, there are many things in this life that we have to do that we don't want to do! Then tell her how hurt you were that she used the terminology that she used. Let her know that God forbid you had an accident that day, she'd never get over what her last words to you were.

    Don't take the "I hope you die" as anything more than an attempt at shock value - because that's all it is. In our house they tried using the "eff" word - yeah. Like THAT worked!

    Keep the lines of communication open on this one. Remember - her role model in these situation has been difficult child. Thank goodness that she's only mouthing off!

    Feel better!

  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member


    husband hasn't given her consequences yet. If it were up to him, he wouldn't. She has him wrapped around her finger. At the same time, he does realize that this is inappropriate. So it's pretty much up to me. He will back me up.

    Maybe I'll see if she apologizes on her own (without prompting) and keep her busy all week and let her go to the tournament at the last minute if she keeps her nose clean. I'm just not sure yet. I'm still pretty ticked off. She would NEVER say that to her father. She listens to him much better than me, and that is an issue too. She and I and dad have talked about it.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Try to at least pretend to be on the same page as husband. From experience I know that if a husband takes a stance (almost none of them want to be the bad guy!) you need to cover his back. Why it is demasculating for a wife to disagree I still don't know....but I KNOW it. Hugs. DDD
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I think you should talk to her. Instead of being confrontational in any way, start your talk with, "I was hurt when you said xxxxxx, let her know how you feel, ask her how she would feel if someone said that to her. Hopefully, she'll say how sorry she is and stuff like that... and you can mend any fences, clear the air or whatever. I wouldn't take the basketball stuff away at this point, but I would make it clear disrespect wil not be tolerated.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is interesting and reminds me of how much times have changed. If I had EVER told either of my parents that I wished they'd died, life as I'd known it would have changed forever. And if I had said it as an adult, neither would probably have ever forgiven me.

    These kids have it easy. I think that's why it's so easy for them to come up with something like that. She isn't a thoughtless child with impulse problems. She's normally a typical teen, yet she says that and isn't TERRIFIED to say it, like I would have been!
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, I don't know about your homelife as a child but in mine, my butt was busted or I had a switch taken to the back of my legs. So yes, I had that fear of showing disrespect. Of course, if I did half of that to my son you know where I would be.

    But it's not only that, I have noticed that when I was growing up all authority figures- basicly all adults - sent the message to kids that they have to mind their parents. These days (and maybe this is just a result of difficult child issues), that message isn't there. And it isn't all the other adults saying "the parent should be doing ABC instead of XYZ"- it's all of them disagreeing on everything. One says ABC, another DEF, and so on.

    So you are definitely not the only one who sees that this is a different world.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yep, and it's sad in a way. I'm very much against corporal punishment for most things, but for this is hub had slapped her, I probably wouldn't have blinked. But, yeah, you can't do it or you end up with one less kid or in jail.

    If this child had been an out of control child with impulse control problems, I probably would just blow it off. But the fact that she isn't is what hurts more and bugs me more.

    Still, I think I'll just make her work for her tournament. She can do all the chores after school. It will give me an easy week...lol! And she hates to do chores so it will be discipline. That will be on top of doing her own chores and getting her school work done. Oh, and the biggest torture of all will be when I confiscate her cell phone and ground her from the computer. That is how she communicates with her friends. :tongue:
  14. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    You are sooo right!

    These days, adults are so worried about kids' self-esteem that they forget to impose any limits--they forget that these are children that need guidance.

    Nobody wants to be the "bad guy"....so they let the kids run wild in the neighborhood, or at the school...and then blame the parents if the child is not conducting themselves properly in that permissive and unsupervised envirmonment.

    It's a lose-lose for parents....and then ultimately for the kids who don't learn respect for others.

  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I agree with you, MWM- after I posted that I wondered if someone might take it like I condoned having a switch taken to a child- and I do not. But I do think there is something to be said for a child learning to be respectful of their parents and the concept that if the child is to get the NEEDS (not wants) met, that the child has to do what is expected of him/her. After all, that is the way the real world works. I do think there are ways to teach that without being abusive. I think all the mixed messages my son has gotten from different authority figures over the years has really been a disservice to him.

    Oh gosh, DF- I won't get to far into this but I've had people blame me for difficult child's illegal activity by not keeping a close enough eye or being strict enough at the same time others have blamed me for not letting him do more. I'm to a point where I have given up on it being the parent's choice on how to raise the kid (when there is no neglect or abuse) because it's pointless- I will never be backed up and difficult child knows it. I think I would be better off to see if the other authority figures in his life (GAL, PO, sd, judge, therapist) can ever agree on the parental decisions they want me to make and then just hand me my list of orders. LOL! If I'm so wrong, why is it they all disagree? At this point, I can't even find tdocs who agree. LOL! One thinks difficult child is a sociopath, one thinks BiPolar (BP), and one thinks nothing but me.
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2009
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I think I allowed easy child to get away with some typical teen stuff that should have warranted a sterner hand. Mostly she was a easy child (except the 3 months prior and following her 14th birthday - what a meanie!), so she wasn't too bad, but once in a great while she would either say something real cutting to me or about me loud enough for me to hear or do something really stupid. I can count on one hand the amount of times she was grounded (3) and two of them were for being disrespectful and one because she helped spread a rumor about the HS school counselor. Otherwise, not so bad but I'm sure I overlooked some things because she had already paid her debt by putting up with difficult child (and my preoccupation with difficult child).

    While I can understand your hurt over her comment, I personally would let that roll off and instead of focusing on the content of the comment focus instead on the intent of the comment - it was meant to hurt you...to **** you off because she wasn't getting her way...a typical teen behavior to be sure.

    I do not like the idea of punishing the rest of her team for her stupid mistake. I also don't like the idea of tying up the expenses in regards to the upcoming trip with this punishment. If she hadn't said what she said, would you still be on the fence about those upcoming expenses? Or was it just a nice coincidence that you can now use her bad bahavior to get out of those expenses, Know what I mean?? The expenses and this situation are two separate things, in my opinion.

    Rather, make her do all the household chores for the entire week as punishment for speaking before thinking. Make her realize that it's okay to be angry with you, but she cannot be disrespectful towards you and, if she is, she will have to pay by not only doing her regular chores, but by doing everyone else's as well. And, as an extra bonus, she will be given ample time spent at home (grounded) to think about how she will repsond in a more respectful manner should another opportunity present itself (which it will)...ie., by doing as you say considering your just chauffered her and her brother around to have their teeth fixed, which you also paid for so she can eat the delicious food you also provide without her teeth falling out of her pretty little head.

    That's my .02 today - having a rough day, sorry!

  17. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I really had to walk away from this and come back to it because part of me just reeled from her cutting words and the other part of me could hear Dudes own voice uttering ugly things at me this weekend in response to what I felt was a casual discussion about the x that he felt the need to defend and in the process insult me to limits beyond my comprehension.

    I think....nothing. You can't punish a hurtful word. You can't take a hole back out of a fence one a nail has been pounded in it. Unfortunately - this may be one of those things that you will remember that hurt and stung, unlike a lot of other things that our kids say that we forget exactly what they said but remember how they made us feel. You probably can't make her feel any worse than she does, and if she does not feel badly about it? Punishing her isn't going to make her feel anything you'd like her to.

    Telling her with your husband present that you didn't appreciate the comment and that not only you but HE will not tolerate things like that being said in your home again should (should) stop further incidents, but if you go on and on about how sad or hurt you are? That's exactly the weapon she'll choose the next time she wants to hurt you or get to you. Kids are not dumb.

    If (big IF) it happens again? Just look at her and shrug or ignore her. Cry in private - but not around her. Dude's little comment was outrageous to the point that if I could have gotten away with pushing him out of my vehicle? I would have pulled to the curb and given one swift kick. At that point however I just told him he was the most hateful and small minded person I had ever met - and his comments were as ugly as his mouth - then I told him his statement was not true, and if that's what he thought he could pack his stuff and get out...and rather I'd prefer it.

    He tried to apologize - and I just put my hand up and said - DON'T....and then about a day later after I ignored him and told EVERYONE what he said to me....(and everyone's look was just shock and awe) he came to me in private and humbly apologized. I accepted but didn't look at him. Still haven't. Day 3. He called - I was busy. He asked me for something? I ignored him. And so it goes. And so it will go until I feel enough time has passed.......could be weeks. Who knows.....?

    I wouldn't also - say "And there will be no punishment for your ugly remark." that's almost as bad. Just ignore her. Hard as heck I know....but it's like telling someone in an office where the one woman you think doesn't like you that your least favorite dessert is chocolate cake - and then every Friday she brings in chocolate cake - Know what I mean??
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm really surprised so many of you are telling me to go soft on her :D. Maybe it's because we're comparing her to a difficult child??? I think there are some things you NEVER say and that's one of them.

    As for the team, she joined late (was recruited by the coach) but isn't the star of the team and the team would go on without her. The expenses are not a big deal. We don't have a lot of money, but are used to spending what little we have on the kids and normally I don't think twice about it.When I hear a comment like that I wonder, "Are we spoiling her too much?"

    The comment didn't make me cry, it shocked me. I don't think I'll ever hear that from her again so the chores should do the trick, plus losing her electronics. She can't handle one HOUR without her cell phone. Five days will remind her that "Um, I can't say just anything I want to say to Mom."

    And I'll leave it with that as long as I get an apology. This time anyway. Thanks for the great feedback. I'm open to hearing more.
  19. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    My older daughter is mostly a easy child. Every now and then, she will be over the top and I think of her as a difficult child then. She went through a stage of saying she wished I (or someone else) would die. I don't know if I did it the first time, but I started taking her beloved cell phone for a week. I know it isn't a logical consequence but to me, saying that was so unacceptable that I wanted her to stop it quickly.

    easy child or not, it is an unacceptable thing to say.

    I think you are doing the right thing. After all, if you did die, you wouldn't be there to do all of those chores.
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hope, LOL ;)

    While she was toiling away at the dishes (we have no dishwasher) I stopped and said, "You can do the bathroom next and then make dinner. If I was dead, you'd have to do this. Maybe you'll think twice."

    How funny that you and I were thinking the same way.

    I did talk to her and she said, "I didn't mean it, but I got so angry. Everyone is driving me crazy at school." I asked how and she said, "They just are." I asked if they were picking on her and she said, "No, they're just annoying." Nicole has a ton of friends and is known to stick up for herself so I don't think she's getting bullied.

    I think it's just that she hasn't had enough sleep. A tournament this weekend...she had to get up at 6am and she did a sleepover that night...probably little sleep.

    But that's not an excuse. She will be losing her beloved electronics.