What would you do in my shoes?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Jan 22, 2014.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    I have a problem that I am not sure how to handle and was hoping that maybe some of you would give me some advise. FYI my difficult child is doing good but my problem is with our oldest son who has become such a disappointment to me it literally makes me sick.I don't remember if you remember but he ran away when he was about to be a senior in high school --back (home) to where his biological mother is only to find out as his sister before him that she had no desire to be a parent in the first place. He lived with the bio grandmother until he burned that bridge then with other bio grandmother (husbands mom) until he burnt that bridge. got a girlfriend --lived with them for a while until they got their own place then he started cheating on her and blah blah blah he burnt down the town and had nowhere to go but back here with me. All this happened before my mom pasted away ( as many of you know -I fell apart then-haven't really recovered but that is another post)
    He started dating this girl --fell in love-moved in with her parents--got engaged- and had a baby-- he got them kicked out and they are all back here at my house. He had been playing games with her when they were living with her parents but when they moved in I told him that was not going to fly here in my house. he did anyway and I didn't back down--kicked him out but had his family stay. and I lectured him up and down the wall when i let him back in. still did it--tried to enforce harder rules but didn't work. I told him he is not taking care of this family but he has not been living by my rules in my house even after being set down like a little kid to reevaluate the house rules. Then they tell me they are pregnant again. I was mad!! he wanted to know how i felt about it and i told him that i would love this baby as much as any other of my grand babies but I was not happy with the way that HE is acting and it Needed to stop.He got it together for a couple of months but then didn't come home again--last time he was gone it was 3 days--he has been trying to bully me to let him back in by having her tell me that he wants to talk things out but he will only do that IF he can come home.-I said they should go somewhere in public to talk but he wont wants to be here---NO No I am sticking to my guns.
    Today after 12 days of being gone and I have not heard a peep from him --now wants to know what he has to do to come home.So many other details but that is the mess of it. I told him last time that it was his FINAL chance and everything in me is saying stick to your guns and MAKE him grow up and be a man to take care of his own family but then there is of course the "mom" wanting to take care of everything.
    More so worried that IF i don't let him back in the husband will forever hold a grudge against difficult child who has nothing to do with the situation but I know in my heart that husband will punish him for it instead of his own son who really deserves it.
    What would you do in my shoes, my greatest adviser (mom) is gone and I so need her now but am reaching out to those of you with more knowledge than I. HELP
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    First I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am not sure how old he is but it sounds like he is a grown man from the events you have described.

    They need to be out of your house---all of them. Grown people do not need to live with their parents. Until they are responsible for themselves, they will never be responsible for themselves.

    And you will likely have to let them all sink for a while...before they swim.

    You should not have to put up with all of this drama chaos and stress in your own home. You have done great kicking him out but what really has changed THIS time that is truly going to make things different.

    They have to make it on their own---somehow someway. It is way past time for you to focus on YOU.

    Prayers for you, your son, daughter in law and their children.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    (((mog))) They are counting on the fact that there are children involved to keep themselves in your home. Do not let your son home. Start preparing daughter in law to move out. They are adults and need to behave as such.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Agree. You have raised your kids to maturity and did the best you could. It is your son who is not trying to grow up and is attempting to get out of responsibility and then, on top of it, is verbally abusing you and telling you what you HAVE to do in your own home.
    I'd help the mother find alternative housing. There is low income housing, then set a boundary that they can not live with you anymore.
    You deserve a quiet, happy, drama free life. You did not sign up to take care of your child in his adult years. Do not give up your retirement money and your precious golden years (I love mine!) to partake in this drama. Maybe he will think about having more kids (and her too) if they have to use government resources to take care of them. She also needs to learn to make better choices.
    If you feel your grands are in danger, call CPS.
    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. I know your first instinct is to continue to take care of him...we were all that way at one time.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I just noticed this is General Parenting. You'd probably get a bigger response in Parent Emeritus. That is where people with adult children post. It is way different to deal with minor children and legally free adult children. You may want to hop over there with your post :)
  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    There is no going back with these children (men) of ours. Just hold fast, he has to figure this out himself without mommy doing all the hard stuff. You will end up with a 30 or 40 or 50 year old living on your couch. It has to get uncomfortable for them, and I mean really uncomfortable to make them stay motivated and get their stuff together. This is you loving your son, don't let him go backwards. He will see this in a few years when he does it, until then,it will hurt very badly. He can do it, you can do a harder thing and not enable him. I was you, my son robbed us, beat his brothers, refused to work....we kicked him out and now he works with the best benefits, married, baby on the way.....he's amazing because he worked so hard. It was all done in baby steps. There wasn't any big leap to greatness, he had to learn alone.
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand how difficult it is to turn away from our adult children's needs............and yet it is necessary to do so so that they can at least have the opportunity to grow up, even if they never take it.

    I agree with everyone else, none of them should be living with you. Your son is not only a grown man, but a husband and a father. He needs to man up, not run home to mom to take care of his family. How can he ever respect himself as a man, as a provider, as a human being? It is time for them to go. Social Services can be contacted and perhaps low income housing, food stamps, etc could be set up for the mother and for the children, so at least they are not homeless.

    Do NOT allow your son back. He will never respect you if you go back on your word, you said this time is final, stick to your guns.

    You deserve to have peace and quiet and comfort in your own home and your husband deserves that as well. Sending warm wishes for your peace of mind.