What would you do?

[tryingtobestrong]

I had posted about my adult son prior living over 1000 miles away. We visited him just 2 weeks ago and when we left he was to start IOP and go to AA meetings. While we were there he had us take him to numerous meetings throughout the days.... ( I know feel it was so he didn't have to be with us) So we agreed that we would send him a set amount to help him with the transportation costs to and from the meetings and IOP since he doesn't drive. He started IOP about 2 weeks ago. He knew he would be drug tested 3 times a week. Up until the day we left he was still smoking marijuana. When I told him that I was sick to my stomach over that knowing he would be taking the chance at getting kicked out of IOP due to that. He replied that his numbers would be off the charts anyway so it wouldn't matter..... He went to IOP the first week we were gone. I had to contact his therapist to let him know that my sons best friend from home was killed and he thanked me for the heads up. Also proceeded to tell me that he was giving my son one more week and that his numbers were not coming down. I told him that due to his weight and his usage his numbers were extremely high while he was on probation a few years ago and it took months for them to come down.. He said that they can tell if he is using. Anyway, I have not heard from my son since Tuesday. I had sent him 3 texts since then and no reply. I can tell my his phone records that he is still using his phone so he is alive. I don't know if he is going to IOP or not or if he was getting removed. I can see that others in his group are texting him but I don't see him replying. It is breaking my heart that he may have blew this. Plus the money we lost. I wouldn't mind spending the money if he actually took it seriously and got the help but if he ended up getting removed, I just want to tell him I am done helping. We had agreed months ago to help him move into his new apartment in a few weeks. He has yet to tell me what piece of furniture he would like for it, just ignores my texts. I don't want to go out to help him but I have the tickets already and we agreed. I know at this time I need to be tough and tell him we are DONE. He is now on his own. However, I stupidly co-signed his lease for the next few months. That is another thing. I want to tell him at the end of that lease, i will no longer co-sign any lease. The state he lives in requires him to make 3x's his rent in income so there is no way he can get a place on his own without a co-signer. He will need to have a roommate. He will extremely upset if I don't co-sign and again I fear that will make him relapse if he hasn't already.
I know I should not speculate but when he doesn't answer my texts and when he pulls away that is usually a sign that he has relapsed.
I want to call his IOP and ask if he is still a part of the program. I want to ask him if he is going to meetings. I did not send him any money towards his transportation today for the weekend or next week because I feel he can't answer a text why should I.

 

[EarthIsHard]

tryingtobestrong,
It sounds like your son is using. It's hard not to check his phone to see what's going on with him. I did exactly that a few years ago. I was up in the middle of the night checking, even occasionally calling a contact. To be honest, it's much easier on me now that we cut him off our phone plan. Checking did not change his behavior and when he found out it made things worse.
You were giving him a chance for independent living co-signing a lease, but now that he knows you did, I'm sorry to say, he's not looking for your support until he needs something else.
I'm sorry and I hope I'm wrong. Hoping he comes around soon.

 

[Tired out]

I can tell you what we are doing but, I can't tell you that we are doing the separating the right way/ I don't know that there is a set right way.
We paid out sons 1st months rent and security deposit, he has a room mate. I did not co-sign. Our son has 2 jobs to make his bills and spending money. If he quits one he will be short of funds. However..his full time job pays every other week and he won't get his 1st check until next week (that was 3 weeks on a part time job that he was picking up extra hours) during this time we have helped him by: giving him a grocery gift card and gas gift card. also bought some items for the apartment. He doesn't have enough money to be buying pot, and we don't give him cash. His sister has also given him things for the apartment. we all want him to thrive and be happy and NO drugs. fingers crossed.
I guess my advice is NO cash. but a bus pass or find some way to pay for the transportation that he isn't getting the cash to spend in a different way. What about a job? They all need to be working. to me that is non-negotiable.

 

[toughlovin]

It certainly sounds like he has relapsed and is using again. I dont think you should contact him and tell him you are done....whats the point that wont make a difference int he middle of a relapse...and is it really true. If he gets to the point where he really wants help and is ready for it, you probably will be there for him again. Our stand is we will help you when you are helping yourself and we wont when you are not. The other thing I have realized is addiction is a complicated disorder..... and relapse is part of it. His relapsing is not about you, and although you might feel angry and fed up, it is part of the disorder. I also wouldnt talk about the end of this lease... see where he is when that happens. Really threatening him with lack of support isnt going to get you anywhere. Now in terms of what you should do. I do think you should not give him any cash. Bus pass for transportation. Or set up an uber account. Most things he needs these days can be done without cash. I think I probably would check in with the IOP..... it kind of drives me nuts that many substance abuse programs wont work with you if you relapse but thats another conversation. As far as his phone and checking it. Different people have different views on this. Many cut off the phones and that makes sesnse. For me my son having a phone helps give me peace of mind. My son has been homeless (when he was using or left a program and we would not provide him with housing) and that was absolutely the hardest on me. Him having a phone helped me not only because eh could contact me but because like you I could check the phone records and knew he was still alive. There were nights where that is the only way I got to sleep at night. There was one point where something happened to his phone and he didnt have one and was on the streets and that was terribly hard. So even in the worst of times we have provided my son with a phone but that is just me. Hang in there, going through this with our kids is very very hard.

 

[tryingtobestrong]

My son has a full time job. Not sure how long he will have it if he doesn't stay on the right path. Praying that he will.
I have not paid his rent since he is on his own now after his girlfriend left him. He has been doing that but not sure how long he can sustain it since he literally works just to pay his rent and bills. There is no extra- just racking up his credit card bills for his transportation and booze if he is still using.

 

[BusynMember]

Lol i just retired. Most of my life me and hub just paid our bills,no extras, old cars etc. We still loved our life together.Welcome to America.

Your son will be fine. He doesnt need new things especially if he cant afford it. Dont worry