What would you do?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Oct 6, 2019.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    saturday afternoon older DGD bought a used car. The previous owner left the tag on it so she could drive the 5 miles home, and is to get it back soon. But instead of driving it home, she "parked" it at a friends home. She spent the night there. She probably drive it to a city 50 miles away, as there was a haunted farm thing "Field of Screams" that they wanted to go to.

    She needed to come home this morning to get ready for work at 10, but we were leaving for church at 9:15. We offered her a ride home. She declined. But said she would probably drive to our home, leave the car here, then walk 5 blocks to work. On our way home from church, I get a text. "Please don't be mad, but I drove it to work. I had to, I was running late."

    She usually gets a two hour break when working a double shift at the restaurant, but I have a feeling she won't even come home then, either. I wouldn't be so frustrated if, when I brought it up yesterday that the car should not be driven until she has insurance and tags in her name. She got all "righteous and indignant" that I would even suggest that she might do that. After all, she is an adult and I shouldn't assume she was that stupid and uneducated. And less than 24 hours later, she's doing it.

    The title is signed over to her. No insurance. And with the previous owners tag, it would be an expensive fine and the car would be towed and impounded.

    Last night, husband and I almost drove past the friends house, but I decided it was not something I could control if she was gone...and I would probably be so mad I would ruin the rest of date night with husband.

    Any advice? Trying to follow my AlAnon steps and detaching... Not feeling the detach with love part too much right now. Ksm
     
  2. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    That's hard, but she will suffer natural consequences if she gets pulled over for those things. My daughter has never had a license or insurance, should be wearing correctives lenses while driving - yet she drives all the time. She admits to driving drunk. She's even owned a car! She is truly a menace to society. I used to get stressed about it the no license, etc., but now I have to force myself to try not to. I have no control over it. She's been pulled over and fined, and continues to do it. She doesn't drive with the baby (thank the LORD), but there's a lot of other people's babies out on that road and it's worrisome. It's so frustrating.

    Hey, it's good that she went to work and has a job and even works double shifts. That's a positive. I'm glad you didn't ruin your date with your husband. That's SO important!

    Sending love...
     
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I understand that dealing with this is a multiple choice option. Not just one way to do handle it.

    These are my extenuating circumstances...

    husband is a volunteer citizen police in our town.

    She has lived at home for 5 months rent free and has not pitched in with any cooking or cleaning.cleaning.

    We helped buy the car by matching 50% of what she saved
    (Which was something we offered to both girls)

    She wants to add me to her car insurance plan as a way to reduce her costs. I am to be added as just an extra driver...and no liability to me if she has tickets or accidents. It lowers her costs. (And I have checked this out with our own ins company)

    And we let her borrow $1000 from our credit union to make up the difference in what she saved to buy the car, using a small savings account as collateral, instead of the car. It's $85 a month for a year. The total cost to her is $24 in interest for the year.

    I guess that is really what frustrates me... I guess I thought she would appreciate all our efforts... Ksm

    Ps We are leaving town in less than two weeks to volunteer with a group that does home repairs. We will be gone for almost three weeks and we asked her to make arrangements to stay elsewhere. Either with my son or her friends. In our town, it's almost impossible to get to and from work without a car.
     
  4. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    KSM, I agree with everything Chick Pea says. I understand your apprehension with leaving town. All we can do is give them information on the right way to do things as an adult, and why. And we have to accept we have no control. If they make a wrong choice, it's their bad choice, not ours. Like she said, she is an adult now.

    Its much better for them to learn from us, but that requires us to detach from the situation emotionally and think rationally. Despite the best laid plans, however, things dont always turn out well, no matter what. And, sometimes they do.

    I raised my son and daughter the same way. My son (who was the difficult child growing up) and his wife are doing well, my Difficult Child is 41, an alcoholic in a city away from all family. She doesnt work, and is convinced the effects of alcohol and bolemia, etc. Are due to a toxic mold exposure (she was staying in bed for 2 weeks at a time for years before the exposure, then would be convinced she had some neurological issue because she hurt from being immobile for that long.)

    Stick to your guns as best you can. Try not to expect the worst, the outcome will be the same regardless. Do what you enjoy doing helping others and let God.

    In love and light.
     
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I'm biting my tongue. But, I think I will decline to be added as a driver on her policy. And I might text the previous owner of the car and see if they will ask for their tag tomorrow. I was the one who contacted them about the car, and arranged for the car to be checked by our mechanic.


    Difficult Child doesn't have enough money to pay for a month of insurance and pay tags and taxes until she gets the tips...probably 3 or 4 more days.

    It's been 16 months with no car. 3 more days won't kill her.
     
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Since your daughter currently lives with you, and therefore the car will be housed on your property, you have a right to tell her that she must get the car street legal.

    I would definitely have the seller take his plates.

    I know that she has some disability issues, but what she is doing in this case is simply a bad habit of putting off unpleasant tasks.
     
  7. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I think that allowing her to experience the consequences of her actions is the only way she will learn. You informed her of the law, the rest is on her . I would take the focus off her and onto you .

    I also would not under any circumstances agree to be added to her insurance policy. You could even state that you feel uncomfortable with that seeing that she is willing to drive outside of the specifications of the law . I would say it matter of factory, not meanly.

    I have come to learn with my adult children that mixing of finances is a very bad idea. It is poor boundaries that always come back to bite me.

    Lastly, I charge my son rent so he can learn what life on life's terms is like. I also require participation in chores in the areas of the home that we all use .
     
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm glad to hear you say this!
    My opinion is that you have done enough to help her out. It's time to step back and let her deal with whatever comes next. She wants to be treated like an adult, so, treat her like an adult.
    If she complains about you not being added to her policy I would simply remind her that's part of being an adult.
    Remember, you do not help her by making things easy for her.