What would you say to Billy Ray?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tiredmommy, Feb 17, 2011.

  1. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I mean.... not to blame him for his daughter's actions, but to help him. And help Miley. I just read the GQ interview and I'm touched by the level of love and concern he has for his adult daughter. But what can a parent in his circumstances do? Miley has wealth, fame and is surrounded by yes men. Can her continuing spiral be stopped? To his credit, Cyrus does admit that he should have been more of a parent and less of a friend to Miley. But what now?

    I'm asking this here because our membership (unfortunately) has the right mix of experience to help this family. I doubt he'll read our advice, but who knows?
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Well... Since she is an adult... He can make sure she knows that he cares, that he really loves her... and then refuse to be another one of those yes-men. He can be there for her but not DO for her, Know what I mean??
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Still - there is only so much that can be done. She has to be her own person - she is an adult, now.

    He made mistakes? Who doesn't? I was informed a long time ago that my role was to be more of a friend to the kids, let husband and BM be the parents. Well... Since I threw that out the window, because it wasn't working, things have gotten a lot better (in my opinion). I don't try to replace BM (I wouldn't want to!), but I am still a parent. I just have husband do most of the "obvious" stuff. Like grounding the kids...

    Regardless. He has to let her go and make her own mistakes. He can be there for her - but he cannot BE for her, or DO for her.

    And if she doesn't come home to Daddy? Well... That's her choice. It's awful, but it is what it is.
  5. What would I say to him? "Ask your God for forgiveness, Billy boy. And ask Him to help your daughter because it's about all you can do now." Yeah, I know I sound harsh. It hasn't been easy explaining to my 12-year-old daughter why nice, clean-cut Hannah Montana has morphed into a (fill in the blank; I'm not sure what gets censored). This isn't a difficult child brain chemistry thing; this is just crappy parenting.

    She was what, 15? when he let her be photographed practically naked wrapped up in a bed sheet for a magazine shoot. Remember the proverb about training a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it? If he actually gave her any moral precepts beyond chasing fame and money, then she'll come back to those principles later. However, for the past few years, I felt he was practically prostituting his daughter to try to keep that fame and money thing going. I think his talk now is more about keeping his name in the press than anything else. Despite what he's saying now, "Satan" didn't ruin his family. He did.
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    TM, there is likely little that can be said that hasn't already been said, thought or debated. Young Hollywood seems to be an out of control bunch ~ no one takes responsibility for putting on the brakes, including, sadly, the parents of those famous talented young people.

    I would offer to Cyrus that he's human; regret is a useless emotion. Reach out, make himself available to his daughter, his entire family. This isn't just about Miley it's affected the entirety of his family.
  7. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    So now.... since Miley's life has been splashed across television and the internet, what would you say if Billy Ray showed up here (anonymously) and admitted his parenting mistakes but we didn't know his adult child is a celebrity? Just another young adult with access to cash and indulgent "friends". Then what?
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Ummmm... Point him to Parent Emeritus and offer lots of hugs and wisdom on detachment???

    Yeah, this is a little smarty-pants, but she is an adult now. And like my parents - they're there for me, and not afraid to lecture me or ask questions, but they refuse to do everything for me.

    I don't know how my parents got so much smarter than they were when I was a teenager...
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    After reading that article I am just about heartbroken for the entire family. I had always thought he had more input into her career than he obviously had. That was probably mistake number one. Of course, she does have two parents.

    I had so hoped that Miley wouldnt head down the Hollywood path. Maybe her run will be short. She does come from good stock. She is very young and kids do very stupid things and it is just very sad that she is doing it in a very public way. Most 18 year olds might do this and it doesnt get reported all over the world. At least Billy Ray had the good common sense not to show up.

    If I could say anything to Billy Ray, or Miley...it would be to listen to his song...over and over again. Sing it together. She will know where she is supposed to be and who really loves her.
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    TM, is there reason to believe that young Ms. Cyrus has an emotional/mental disorder or illness? There is little that can be said if we aren't approached by a parent with specific questions. What would you have us say? Billy Ray, you screw up ~ what the heck were you thinking?

    I'm struggling with this question. There is little that can be offered here to Mr. Cyrus. We do not know the inner workings of his home life; we haven't a clue as to addiction or mental illness in the family. We're seeing a young adult making choices that many young adults will but she's doing it very publicly. The most I would question is Ms. Cyrus's lack of impulse control; her ability to stop & think.

    As for Billy Ray, again, he can regret but that is a useless emotion. I'd put together a crisis plan ~ look at legal options if his daughter, indeed, loses total control & needs protection. To be aware of the ins & outs of the system for getting an adult child help.
  11. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Great answers. Maybe Mr. Cyrus will google and find us. I hope it's just the case of a spoiled and indulged little girl in a woman's body and she comes to her senses quickly. But I do feel horrible for the family being torn apart and at least her father realizes that being a buddy to her isn't the answer.
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Oh, he didn't say that, surely? if he die, he has just gone down in my estimation. Pity - I'm not a country music fan to any great extent, but I've liked what I've seen of him over the years. I've also liked Miley, from what we can see over the Pacific. She hasn't seemed to me to be as out of control as Britney Spears or Winona Ryder. True, she seemed to try to ditch the squeaky clean Hannah Montana image a bit too fast than was probably good for her career, but I suspect she thinks that her image now is just right for the kind of fans she wants and the kind of music she wants to perform. I suspect she sees herself as another Madonna - reinventing herself and making her name by being outrageous. I personally don't think Madonna has much talent when it comes to music or acting, but has bucketloads when it comes to understanding the market.

    Back to parenting - I admit I am undoubtedly out of touch with this, we don't get the same level of info over here, just snippets. But I agree, he has tried to be a friend as well as mentor and manager - she needed a dad to put his foot down at times.

    From here - I agree, he needs to NOT be a yes man, she needs to learn that people will say to her what they are paid to say, and the truth from someone who loves you is more important.

    Somewhere in there I believe she's a great kid, smart, talented and a decent human being. But things have gone to her head and she has lost perspective.

    We need to always be willing to own up to our own responsibilities when things go wrong for us.

    Lasted edited by : Feb 17, 2011
  13. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I would advise Billy Ray to start parenting his younger children so they don't follow Miley down the path she's going.

    As for Miley, I would tell him just to contact her every few days, say I love you and I'm here for you and pray she comes around. How many of us did dumb things at 18 that we later regretted? The difference is that Miley, like Lindsay, Britney and Paris and Nicole, have a lot more money to indulge their stupid teenaged whims than we did... Hopefully, she will stay grounded to some extent and not spiral even further.

    Things could be worse for her - her parents could be Michael and Dina Lohan.
  14. jal

    jal Member

    What can you say? Kids that age are going to try stuff, but I would think that he should've been a parent MORE than a FRIEND during the teenage years. Being a friend never works at that age (or at all). You have to parent the child. It's sad now that he feels that he did the right thing at the time, but now he regrets his decisions. We have all been there, in some respect, but besides the fact that they just generated huge income, seeing your child slide down is never a good thing no matter how much money you have. She should be pulled out of the lime light and be brought back to reality.
  15. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Well, I see no evidence that Miley is a difficult child. She is someone who h as been given more freedom and, possibly, more opportunities than she was ready for. I wonder if there might not have been a way for her parents to secure her pre-18th birthday earnings to make her more financially "normal" at 18. I have no idea how the law works in this way.

    Yes, he should have been more of a parent than a friend. Despite his protestations about not living off of her, I wonder if - with is declining popularity - if he wasn't living a bit "through" her ....vicariously.

    We are all human. We all make mistakes with our kids and, as parents of difficult children can sadly attest: sometimes you can do most things right and your kids still take a scary and destructive path.

    I do feel for him and his love of his daughter is obvious. May he man up and crack down a bit with the younger ones ... and may that, by the grace of God, be enough.

  16. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    Marguerite -

    I am neither a country music fan nor a Christian so the Satan line really kind of creeped me out. Then I heard a commentator say that given his upbringing in Tennessee (home of the Grand Ole Opry) and his father being a preacher that that type of comment is often used to mean something that they feel they have no control over, not literally meaning that Satan has come up and grabbed you. In that context, it kind of makes sense as a cultural type comment meant to express a certain feeling.

    I feel badly for him - his wife cheating on him, his daughter running amok and him sensible enough to realize that he did not do completely right by his daughter. At least, he has taken some responsibility for the situation.
  17. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    With him being an entertainer himself, I am sure he was aware of the failings and pitfalls of that particular profession and i think its a load of mmm horsepucky him blaming Disney with the had I known....hello.....you did know but thought maybe you and yours would be different...NOT

    I think her parents raised her with some common sense which, I think for some of us, never was put to good use in our own teenage years and sat on the backburner till we were older and had a little more of life's lessons under our belt. It must be tough to be put up as a paragon of virtue, goodness and the little girl next door then wham, puberty hits, and people are upset you are not in Peter Pan mode anymore.

  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Thanks, sveng. I am a Christian, although I don't tubthump here (or anywhere, really). But I do hear the line from other Christians I know, and it's like fingernails on a blackboard for me. I know they don't mean that some infernal demon literally appeared, dragged the victim away etc. But maybe it's cultural, some of the people I know really do use this as an excuse to absolve themselves of personal responsibility for whatever unpleasant that happens in their lives. If their house burns down because they left a fire burning unattended - it's satanic influence, not their own carelessness. Such people continue through life making the same mistakes over and over, with a clear conscience that they are right with God. Maybe right with God, but not with me!

    Sorry to be such a pain - it really cheeses me off big time. I've had people praying over me (against my better judgement) and then blaming my 'lack of faith' if their prayers fail to eventuate. They can be quite nasty about it in absolving themselves of any need to have any compassion, if they can find someone else to blame for the lack of magical cure. Like God is a magic wishing fairy or something, and they have a special magical connection which, if it fails to eventuate, means that I somehow am not trying hard enough or something.

    A sore point for me, I guess. I do know that culturally, there are big differences in some aspects of Christianity as expressed here, vs in the US. I've been exposed to a very wide range and perhaps as I get older, I'm getting a lot more intolerant - I'm turning into a cantankerous old woman!

    I also want to clarify for the moderators - I am not trying to turn this into a thread on religion. It's just this one phrase that I feel CAN be used by people trying to justify a blinkered approach to the problems in their lives. I don't care which religions are likely to use this approach - wherever it occurs, it is a problem for me if used that way.

    If what Billy Ray meant, however, was that the general air of Hollywood, fame etc is something he considers satanic in a metaphorical sense - I get that. As long as he does see that he also bears some personal responsibility, as do others. Wasn't the place called Hollywood Babylon? Maybe they need to grab Miley by the scruff of the neck and drag her back to Tennessee or wherever. A bit of down to earth, back to nature and reality might do Miley a lot of good. If Hollywood is the problem, pull her out of it for a vacation from it.

  19. "GQ: Do you really see it in such clearly spiritual terms—that your family was under attack by Satan? Billy: I think we are right now. No doubt. There's no doubt about it."

    This is a man who, as I recall, had two women pregnant at the same time. This isn't some nice country boy who fell in love with the girl next door, stayed true to her, and is now befuddled that his fairy tale ended. His life has been a soap opera or maybe just a train wreck. I don't have a lot of use for celebrities, anyway, but this guy acting like a kicked puppy is seriously on my nerves.
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Thanks, RFTS. That is what I was talking about. I still like the guy, but it does sound like he still is not facing up to his own responsibilities fully.