What's been your hardest day?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by welcometowitsend, Feb 1, 2013.

  1. I'm just wondering what has been everyone's experience as their 'hardest day' or week or event in dealing with their difficult child? Was it a diagnosis day, an arrest?

    Mine was this week, I think (so far, anyway):

    I have really taken a huge step back from difficult child. I put the ball in his court as far as keeping in touch because I'm so tired of feeling like I'm chasing the dog that escaped from the backyard. I've found a great support group, I've called all the psychiatrists I can - but now difficult child won't go, I've tried therapists - but now difficult child won't go, I've called the school - their hands are tied as much as mine - or so they say, I don't give him any money, I can't make him take his medications, I can't get him to call, I can't get him to let me know where he is, I can't get him to go to school.

    I have felt shaky, heart palpitations, upset stomach all week. Why? Because I have finally realized that I do not have any control over this. There is nothing left for me to do but pray and move on with my life.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up on difficult child but I have spent so much time focused on who I can call next, what I can put into place next that it has given me some sense of control. Now that I feel I have nothing left to do I feel so incredibly helpless. I've been keeping myself so busy 'doing' that it's been easy to not 'feel' and now there is nothing left to 'do' so I have to feel.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sounds like a really hard week for sure. You have had a lot of those but sometimes when things are so out of our hands, it is just overwhelming. I'm really sorry he can't take advantage of the opportunities you are offering. I pray he will one day.

    That is a good question. I think there have been several. The top worst??? The day I picked up Q and he had the rug burn down his face from the assault by the school psychiatric. Knowing that was it, no more fighting for him at this school, but no way to know where to take him, knowing he would be blowing up on me and the aggression would be worse, yeah, that was awful. The others were when he went to the hospital by ambulance the first time....and all the visits with him kicking and punching me. .....and yeah, the day I heard them say he had autism....I was still hoping for so much more brain injury recovery. I didn't want to see the underlying developmental disorder layering it all..... uggg.

    I still need to vent on this stuff from time to time. It is truly life changing to go through this stuff. Since you are going through it right now, I sure hope you come and share often. It really does make a difference to just be able to say it over and over if need be.

    Sending you many gentle hugs and lots of nice bubble bath gel.
  3. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    There are so many worst days to choose from. I think the absolute worst was when I finally came to the realization that even though difficult child is amazingly smart and gifted, she will never be the child I wanted her to be. That I needed to change my goals for her. It is still hard to alter my future expectations. The other would be the day I left difficult child at the psychiatric hospital. It was the first time I had to admit to myself that there was something truly wrong. I could no longer "cover" for her.

    I still have dreams for difficult child. Hopefully, someday she will have some as well.
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    The week she went in psychiatric hospital because her rages were so bad. While it was nice to know she was finally in the care of professionals it was still scary as a mother, Know what I mean?? The weeks leading up to that rank a close second.
  5. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Oh geez... So many hard ones. So many days of psyching myself up to just make 5 more minutes, and it'll be ok.

    Much easier to say the YEARS 6 thru 18. lmbo
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    My hardest day was only days after Aubrey was born and I realized that Nichole had postpartum depression so bad that she had attempted to kill her now husband in a fit of rage. I told her she was on her way to Children's in cincy to the ER and she had 2 choices, go voluntarily or have some rather strong large male family members assisted her against her will. Regardless, she was going. The admission to the psychiatric hospital was one of the hardest things I've done as a parent, regardless of the fact that I knew it was utterly necessary.

    It was also Nichole's turning point that put her onto the path of stability. So while it was my hardest day........I suppose you could say it was worth it in the end.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I also probably had several hard days. I would have first thought my worst day was when I had to spend the day in the local hospital for an entire day to get him admitted to the state psychiatric hospital. It was the day of Jamie's graduation from High School and my father and step mom were down. That was embarrassing.

    However that paled in comparison to the day I had to have Cory arrested for forging 3 of my checks and then going through all of the trials. Living with the fact that my son has felonies on his record because I did charge him is tough.
  8. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    My hardest day...2days ago. difficult child calls me incoherent from his car somewhere on the south side, fortunately EMS able to find him and bring him in, meanwhile we are all shocked and saddened about the death of our charge nurse's son, who commited suicide with his father's gun (dad a cop). Or maybe 2 years ago when he had a breakdown while at college in Iowa and we had to drive up to get him.
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    My hardest day was when we had gotten a phone call saying our son put a suicide note online. We had just seen him and he wasn't anywhere....I ran screaming into the garage so scared of what I would find. He was't there, but bleeding on the roof. He spent the night completely catatonic in the ER, then he was moved to the psychiatric hospital. That whole week...and even now...scary and sad.
  10. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    The day psychiatric hospital insisted we bring Kanga home after an 81 day psychiatric hospital stay because Medicaid wouldn't pay any longer, even though they still felt she was a danger to the others. Nothing like being told to bring the person who is trying to kill you into your home.
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WTW, your inquiry is a provocative one. I've had so many hard days with my difficult child, starting with her being 2 years old and having a severe asthma attack and the Dr's in the hospital telling me her heart couldn't take it and she wouldn't live through the night. I sat with another woman in the parents lounge and made every promise to God I could think of. And, now, her being in the life she leads and knowing there is nothing I can do to pull her out of it. And all the points in between which represent my deep understanding that I have no power to control any of it.

    That helplessness you mentioned, that's the hardest part for me, the sheer powerlessness to enact any change, to prevent the hurt or damage, to stop the inevitable, to help my child. I couldn't have stopped death had it marched in and taken her all those years ago. I can't now march into her life and whisk her out and make her happy.

    That powerlessness, that remarkable lack of any control is monumentally hard to really get. My will and my love and my determination don't work. Letting go of that has been quite the journey. Those feelings that come up as a result of realizing that lack of control are formidable.

    I understand what you are saying. Those feelings of helplessness are hard to tolerate, but ultimately offer acceptance. You're a wise woman WTW, you articulate it all very well and you have the ability to uncover the truth which I believe will truly set you free. (((HUGS))))
  12. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    My difficult child has caused his share of tough days for me. They are difficult to put in order. Of course newer ones are more fresh in my mind but two old ones are difficult to beat. Another one was when he was a baby and got sick. First it looked really bad, then later little less bad but was still potentially live threatening. But that first night we sat in the hospital, our son at ICU and doctors telling us that they didn't exactly know what was wrong and some possible causes were worse and some better, but that he was in the bad shape and they couldn't promise he would live through the night. He obviously did live through the night to cause us many more awful days and nights (and some rather awesome too.)

    difficult child was a runner and there were some real scares along the way. Jacket found from river and no boy anywhere was probably the worst. It ended up that he had taken a jacket off while playing at riverbank because the first spring days can get warm and then wind had taken his jacket to the river. When he noticed that he had hid because he was worried we would be angry because of the lost jacket (we would had, wasn't the first lost one.) There were some long hours between someone spotting children jacket from river and fire department getting it up and looking the nametag and calling me and asking if it was a jacket my child was currently using and if I knew where my son was and before difficult child was found (nowhere near the river.)

    Newer very bad day was those two weeks after difficult child was busted from stealing, we learned about his addiction, were trying to find info and resources to help, had some very big decisions to make about his future. Disappointment, anger, shame, fear and having to make really difficult decisions fast and without any way of knowing how things would turn out. We basically had to choose between crashing his life, stopping everything in his life, keeping him home and hoping to be able to help him build a new and accept the lost dreams and chances. Or let him go, let him try to keep things going for him and his dreams alive, but forsaking any control over his every day life. And there wasn't many days to decide. And after opting for second option, we had to find the resources to help from totally different area etc. Right now it seems our decision may work out, but of course we can never know if the other one would had been better still.
  13. So many stories. Each one different but they all involve sadness and heartbreak. I thought maybe posting these would be cathartic and healing for us - to be heard and understood and release that from ourselves. I wonder though if it just brings back pain that has been forgotten or let go. I hope it's not the latter. I am so sorry for everyone's pain.
  14. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    WTW, while it does bring up some pain, it is also a good look back. It shows me how far we have come in just a years time. So, it holds good memories as well. I am hoping to use that time as sort of a marker of better things to come.
  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I agree. When I have a current bad day, it does help keep it in perspective when I realize how much better it is than those worst days.
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I can't speak for others, but for me it doesn't bring back pain. It always makes me smile to realize just how far Nichole has come from those dark days.

    I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". Over the course of a lifetime I have come to realize that no truly statement has ever been made. We might know immediately what that reason is or it may take years before we realize it.........or we may never directly know at all. Although I've found that with the latter I usually see an affect on another person instead of with me directly.

    Our children may be grown, but like us.......well you never stop "growing" as a person. There is still so much left for them to learn. Some of those lessons are harder than others.
  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I have too many to list here but I think the worst for me was when he punched his girlfriend(who had a 2 year old baby) breaking her nose and then took her car. It was so much worse than him punching husband or stomping on me because it brought to light that it was not just a family problem he was a danger to others also. Something inside me died that day and I will never feel the same about my difficult child. -RM
  18. nerfherder

    nerfherder Active Member

    1. The Tylenol Overdose. She was 4, her stimming of the medicine chest door over the toilet jarred down the single only non-childproof bottle of bulk extra strength acetominophen. I was asleep after work at the time (breakfast baker, my days started 3am and ended around 7:30am) and then-spouse was downstairs at the time playing FPS computer game. I woke to her vomiting and acting like a typical "bug" except - no fever (go figure.) This was around early/mid afternoon. I talked about her being sick with J, he didn't remember until later that afternoon (recounted it as a "cute story") that she spilled some pills and brought the bottle down for him to re-cap. I remember my brain screeching to a halt, asking "...what was it?" "Oh, the tylenol." I ran to my computer, looked up OD symptoms, and called Poison Control (a number we always kept handy given her tendency to want to eat stuff, especially after the Moth Ball incident at my mom's a year earlier.) After talking with the operator, the only choice was Abington where they would decide whether to medevac to Children's, or an ambulance straight to CHOP? Abington was the fastest, I hauled ass over there (faster than waiting for 911) and THEN I had to tell the ER doctor SHE IS AUTISTIC. SHE WON'T ANSWER YOU. She was functioning expressively and pragmatically at about the level of a 1 year old. THEN I had to tell him YES SHE WOULD EAT THE PILLS. He felt they tasted nasty enough most kids would spit them out. He did the blood work, got the results and was abashed, apologetic for doubting me, said her liver numbers looked like she ate at least 5 or 6, and we needed to get the medicine in her ASAP. He told me it works best for kids to drink it in a lemon-lime soda, and I said "Run a nose tube. You won't get her to drink anything with bubbles in it." I let him try for about 20 seconds, and said "RUN A NOSE TUBE."

    I know I'm getting run-on and emphatic here, but I was running on 4 hours sleep in the last 24 at that point, it was around 10pm and I was getting crazed from being a psycho-mom to get this dork to listen to me. They finally got the full admit on her, got her bedded, ran the tube (the shift change ER doctor was a man whose wife worked with special needs kids. FINALLY SOMEONE LISTENED TO ME.

    So with the counteracting agent for acetominophen, they would also add Reglan to make sure the patient didn't vomit it up. Guess what? She had a full tonic seizure from the Reglan. Something was wrong with my daughter, she was frozen almost, not moving except for her eyes. I told the nurse, the nurse told the Pediatrician who felt the girl was just near-comatose from the OD, and I needed to realize I had a very sick child. I said "Yes, but this isn't RIGHT. Something is wrong besides that!" She went to look something up, came back and SHE apologized, saying that the Reglan had some odd side effects, and this was one of them, and it was easy to fix - a shot of benadryl and Kiddo came right out of it.

    There've been others - last year's adventure with CPS and the Deputy Sheriff - but that worked out even better, because Deputy has experience with autistic kids, everyone was honest, it was obvious that Kiddo lives in a fantasy world when she doesn't get what she wants. I've learned that CPS are not the Kitchen Police, and I've never had any kind of bad experience with them that truth and reality didn't resolve.
  19. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    WTW: At least for me remembering those difficult times don't so much bring back pain but remind me to be grateful. Things could be so much worse. We have been lucky and every time there was an incredibly difficult night or day, there was also a new morning after it and somehow we did stumble through. I have always been a worrier and my mom and grandma always told me that life would carry and things would work out somehow and as long as you are breathing, you are surviving somehow. I have found that to be true. Things don't always work out ideally and there are moments and days when breathing feels like a heavy task but human nature is to be resilient. Remembering the most difficult days reminds me of that.