It's been three days since I last heard from difficult child. We were face to face in the parking lot of the day shelter and I told him exactly what is on my mind right now. It felt good and I still think it was right and the right time. For whatever reason (I've learned his actions usually have NOTHING to do with my actions), he has not tried to contact me. It's been great. The old me would have started obsessing about whether or not he's alive. I do have moments when I wonder how/where he is, like when we were in the middle of a tornado warning last night. But honestly, I believe I'll hear soon enough if there is anything I need to know. That is huge progress for me. I am angry. Simmering beneath my surface is anger. Anger at the whole thing. He STILL doesn't get that the same behavior over and over again results in the SAME RESULT? He doesn't need rehab? He doesn't have a problem? He's just going to walk around all day, sleep wherever, and take drugs????? That is a life? That is what he has come to? I know the facts. I know about the disease. But this is how I feel right now. I know anger doesn't do anything and it's the disease, stupid. It's not him. But wow. I am angry. I am angry at him and how he evidently just doesn't have what it takes or doesn't want what it takes or whatever. I have no respect for that. I am so about hard work, accomplishment and moving forward. I KNOW that is me, not him. But it is really hard for me to shake that core belief system. It's hard to have any respect for him as a person, although I know I need to work toward that, and that is another piece of acceptance. But I'm not there yet. I have had a great rest of the week. I have so much more energy, and I have been getting tons of stuff done, workwise and schoolwise and otherwise. I spent one part of a day thinking about doing a blog and a "project" for Lent, getting rid of 40 "things" a day for the 40 days. Purging 1600 items from my house and home. I had so much fun just thinking about it, and I'm ready to do it Now, not wait until March 5 when Lent begins!!!! 40 x 40 = 1600. My SO said there wouldn't be a chair to even sit on, lol, but I can assure you I think it is entirely possible! And desirable. Everybody says I have too much stuff, and even as I have been shedding stuff for a while, I still have stuff I can and want to shed. I want to fly lighter. I spend a lot of time moving stuff---especially clothes---I have way too many clothes---from one place to another. Less stuff = less fooling with stuff. More time to do fun stuff. I have made a lot of progress letting go and letting God. But this is quite possibly a lifelong journey---letting go of someone I love. I am sure I will never "get there." One day at a time, right? I'm in brand new territory for me.