I don't know if I am just feeling particularly introspective today, but today I have been wondering WHY I continued to try to "fix" things for my son long after the rational part of me had all the evidence she could possibly need that it was time to stop. A lot of it was fear. There was of course the fear that he didn't understand the consequences and wouldn't do for himself, and then where would that leave him? There was the fear that underneath it all was a condition I didn't fully appreciate, that maybe he COULDN'T live independently and forcing him to try would be cruel. And there was of course that DNA imperative that COM and Cedar have pointed out, that biological imperative to protect him at all costs. There was guilt, over the fact that there are many alcoholics in my family and he likely "inherited" it from my side, so I should cut him more breaks. But the rational part of me realizes that none of these are reasons to protect a grown man from facing the consequences of his bad choices. So why did I do it? This is an ugly truth to admit, but part of it is sadly because there was a big payoff in it for me. Part of it was just laziness or exhaustion, not wanting to deal with the hassle and the ugly confrontation of calling him on his BS. Part of it was vanity, that in the eyes of others a kid leading a certain way of life reflected well on my parenting. And a large part of it was my emotional payoff. My mom died when I was a teenager, and I determined early on to be a large part of my kids' lives, **like it or not!!** Wow, what a burden for them to bear, to try to ease my pain over something that happened a decade before they were conceived. Part of it was because fixing things and juggling things made me feel quite competent. And the more things I juggled, the more sacrifices I made, and the more high drama I had to share with others, the better I felt about myself. In those ways, I probably held him back from becoming the man he needed to be, all the while wondering why he wasn't growing up. How very sad. I am not saying this is all my fault or trying to find new and creative new ways to pile more guilt and responsibility on myself for his bad choices. But today I am thinking my aim has been off in who I should be "fixing." I am thinking today that the focus of my efforts to rebuild our relationship needs to be on MYSELF, recognizing what baggage I bring to the situation and trying to not let it interfere with the truth of what is, today. Not sure where I am going with this, just random Saturday ramblings that I wanted to share.