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What's My Payoff?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 630100" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I think your thoughts are extremely important in our own healing and our own integration and wholeness. </p><p></p><p>I think we all bring our own stuff to the table whether we are conscious of that stuff or not, it looms large in our perceptions and choices. As has been pointed out many times, most of us here are people who are very good at taking control, we get the job done, we are accomplishers of the highest degree...............however, along with all of that, there are components of control and taking charge that are negative and at least in my estimation, at the least, require self examination. How we get that way is for each of us to discover, how we shift it and heal it and change it, is what is important now.</p><p></p><p>When I began looking at my own issues regarding my daughter, I began to be able to change the dynamic between she and I. I have power over myself, I can heal, I can change, I can shift my perceptions, I can transform, I have much control and power over ME. As I made these changes, as I looked at my own control issues and my own fears and sorrows, my responses to my daughter began to change. First the changes were small. Lately they have been more obvious. </p><p></p><p>I took a two year course in Codependency which was all about ME. The therapists in the program were addressing MY issues of fear, control, enabling...........I learned that my responses to my daughter were based on <em>my</em> issues. And, if that were true, then I could change those responses. And, I did. We were told repeatedly in the course, that very often, once the parents change their responses to their adult kids issues, the kids themselves change. I don't think that is a reason to change, nor it is something to expect, nor is it always going to happen, but we were told that it happens frequently.</p><p></p><p>For me, I brought up my daughter in ways similar to my parents and in other ways opposite of my parents in my attempts to not inflict some of the hurts that were inflicted on me by wounded people. However, my own wounds, out of my awareness to some degree, infiltrated my parenting in ways I could not readily see until the Codependency program. Unfortunately, enabling, rescuing, codependency or simply indulging children can be seen as positive attributes by not only ourselves but those around us who pat us on the back for being such good parents. There is a lot invested in us as parents, we take bows when our kids are winners and we take the hits when our kids are "losers" so we have our own strong connection to how well or how badly our kids do in the world. </p><p></p><p>I found it complicated to untangle where I ended and where my daughter began, where her responsibility for her life began and my responsibility for her life ended. It took a lot of reflection, tools and support for me to distinguish the components that make up what parenting is, when to step in and when to let go. It was a lot of work, I didn't arrive there without a lot of my own letting go of concepts, beliefs and misguided wishes and desires (as in your determination to be a large part of your kids lives <em>like it or not</em>. ) Those expectations of ourselves can be mighty weighty and out of proportion to reality and what the situation calls for. They become cemented views we follow without thinking, wrecking its own havoc and often out of our awareness.</p><p></p><p>I had my own moment of clarification when I realized that when my daughter was a mere 2 years old and was in the ICU for an acute asthma attack, when the Doctors told me they didn't know if her heart could take it and she may not live through the night................I prayed all night that if she lived, <em>I would make my life about making her happy. </em> Well, I had to change that prayer and relinquish her happiness to her and remove myself from that commitment. </p><p></p><p>Bringing these issues to the surface and recognizing the parts <em>we</em> play in the troubles in our adult children's lives gives us the power to change. Putting the emphasis on ourselves can change the dynamic between our kids and us, thereby offering our kids the 'opportunity' for them to change their part in the dynamic. Or not, there are no guarantees they will ever change. <u>But we can change</u>. At the very least, we can learn acceptance of what is and we can stop the relentless suffering that comes from attempts to control, fix, or in any way, change another person.</p><p>[</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 630100, member: 13542"] I think your thoughts are extremely important in our own healing and our own integration and wholeness. I think we all bring our own stuff to the table whether we are conscious of that stuff or not, it looms large in our perceptions and choices. As has been pointed out many times, most of us here are people who are very good at taking control, we get the job done, we are accomplishers of the highest degree...............however, along with all of that, there are components of control and taking charge that are negative and at least in my estimation, at the least, require self examination. How we get that way is for each of us to discover, how we shift it and heal it and change it, is what is important now. When I began looking at my own issues regarding my daughter, I began to be able to change the dynamic between she and I. I have power over myself, I can heal, I can change, I can shift my perceptions, I can transform, I have much control and power over ME. As I made these changes, as I looked at my own control issues and my own fears and sorrows, my responses to my daughter began to change. First the changes were small. Lately they have been more obvious. I took a two year course in Codependency which was all about ME. The therapists in the program were addressing MY issues of fear, control, enabling...........I learned that my responses to my daughter were based on [I]my[/I] issues. And, if that were true, then I could change those responses. And, I did. We were told repeatedly in the course, that very often, once the parents change their responses to their adult kids issues, the kids themselves change. I don't think that is a reason to change, nor it is something to expect, nor is it always going to happen, but we were told that it happens frequently. For me, I brought up my daughter in ways similar to my parents and in other ways opposite of my parents in my attempts to not inflict some of the hurts that were inflicted on me by wounded people. However, my own wounds, out of my awareness to some degree, infiltrated my parenting in ways I could not readily see until the Codependency program. Unfortunately, enabling, rescuing, codependency or simply indulging children can be seen as positive attributes by not only ourselves but those around us who pat us on the back for being such good parents. There is a lot invested in us as parents, we take bows when our kids are winners and we take the hits when our kids are "losers" so we have our own strong connection to how well or how badly our kids do in the world. I found it complicated to untangle where I ended and where my daughter began, where her responsibility for her life began and my responsibility for her life ended. It took a lot of reflection, tools and support for me to distinguish the components that make up what parenting is, when to step in and when to let go. It was a lot of work, I didn't arrive there without a lot of my own letting go of concepts, beliefs and misguided wishes and desires (as in your determination to be a large part of your kids lives [I]like it or not[/I]. ) Those expectations of ourselves can be mighty weighty and out of proportion to reality and what the situation calls for. They become cemented views we follow without thinking, wrecking its own havoc and often out of our awareness. I had my own moment of clarification when I realized that when my daughter was a mere 2 years old and was in the ICU for an acute asthma attack, when the Doctors told me they didn't know if her heart could take it and she may not live through the night................I prayed all night that if she lived, [I]I would make my life about making her happy. [/I] Well, I had to change that prayer and relinquish her happiness to her and remove myself from that commitment. Bringing these issues to the surface and recognizing the parts [I]we[/I] play in the troubles in our adult children's lives gives us the power to change. Putting the emphasis on ourselves can change the dynamic between our kids and us, thereby offering our kids the 'opportunity' for them to change their part in the dynamic. Or not, there are no guarantees they will ever change. [U]But we can change[/U]. At the very least, we can learn acceptance of what is and we can stop the relentless suffering that comes from attempts to control, fix, or in any way, change another person. [ [/QUOTE]
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