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What's My Payoff?
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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 630230" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>RE, I am going to look around and see what's available in my area. Those insights are so incredibly valuable.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That one gave me chills. What a nightmare, and I can imagine your remembering it, and your looking back with that clarity of remembering all the times in your daughter's life that that fervent prayer colored your decisions. Reading about that moment in your life reminded me of a moment in my own. When my son was 5 and my daughter was 10, I was diagnosed with the same type of cancer that took my mother, and I remembered lying on the CAT scan table waiting to find out whether or not the cancer had spread and praying, "God, please PLEASE let me live long enough to see them both into adulthood." That was a long time ago, thank God. I don't think I'm subconsciously trying to keep him from reaching adulthood like he's my own little Dorian Gray painting LOL, but I am thinking maybe that fear of not being there for them as they grew up made me "nicer" than I should have been, made me want all their memories of me to be good ones, "just in case." </p><p></p><p>But enough junior psychoanalysis for today. I am going to look for a codependency course or support group though.</p><p></p><p>COM, I am glad you wrote all that and I ached with every word, feeling your hope rise and fall but knowing where he finds himself today. I think every one of us could write our stories down and just about break every other mother's heart in here. I am so sorry for your cute, red-haired boy with the infectious smile and the winning sense of humor. Those things are still in there, hidden underneath all of the other stuff, and I so pray they find their way to the surface again. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am hoping and praying it is more like a figure 8, and you will both meet again in the middle, with much strength and wisdom to share about how each of you made it through your own wilderness.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 630230, member: 17720"] RE, I am going to look around and see what's available in my area. Those insights are so incredibly valuable. That one gave me chills. What a nightmare, and I can imagine your remembering it, and your looking back with that clarity of remembering all the times in your daughter's life that that fervent prayer colored your decisions. Reading about that moment in your life reminded me of a moment in my own. When my son was 5 and my daughter was 10, I was diagnosed with the same type of cancer that took my mother, and I remembered lying on the CAT scan table waiting to find out whether or not the cancer had spread and praying, "God, please PLEASE let me live long enough to see them both into adulthood." That was a long time ago, thank God. I don't think I'm subconsciously trying to keep him from reaching adulthood like he's my own little Dorian Gray painting LOL, but I am thinking maybe that fear of not being there for them as they grew up made me "nicer" than I should have been, made me want all their memories of me to be good ones, "just in case." But enough junior psychoanalysis for today. I am going to look for a codependency course or support group though. COM, I am glad you wrote all that and I ached with every word, feeling your hope rise and fall but knowing where he finds himself today. I think every one of us could write our stories down and just about break every other mother's heart in here. I am so sorry for your cute, red-haired boy with the infectious smile and the winning sense of humor. Those things are still in there, hidden underneath all of the other stuff, and I so pray they find their way to the surface again. I am hoping and praying it is more like a figure 8, and you will both meet again in the middle, with much strength and wisdom to share about how each of you made it through your own wilderness. [/QUOTE]
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