What's taken me so long?...

[lovemysons]

Hi all,

Woke up this morning at around 2am...Just couldn't sleep, as usual.
I finally wrote young difficult child a letter and put in a few pics of his children from a gathering we had at my mom's not too long ago.

I haven't written young difficult child in around 2 months.
I guess I have so many concerns...
Will he sneak and use alcohol or pain medications when he gets home?
Will he consider suicide again if life doesn't go "his way"?
How long will he live with husband and I til he can get out on his own?

daughter in law went to visit him a week ago and told me that when he comes home in December that he will be on an ankle monitor (for at least the first month) and be drug tested once a week (always passes...very strange) and will be expected to go to AA meetings. Of course I will be the one driving him around to these places...and eventually he will be expected to go out and get a job.

And there's another concern...What kind of work can he do with a Felony conviction on his record?

All these questions and more...Like what numbers should I have handy?
Anyway, I'm really not looking forward to helping manage young difficult child's life and whatever crisis/chaos comes with it.

LMS

 

[Mattsmom277]

Good questions. With gentle caring hugs, I feel a need to insert, it is HIS job to manage all of his issues. Not one falls on you or husband or his wife or anybody else.

You and husband are going beyond the call to provide an adult, married father, a roof over his head and food etc while he looks for work. Beyond that? If you choose to drive him to meetings or interviews etc, that's a kindness that isn't an obligation. If you do much more? You may just be walking the fine line Into enabling.

Not to say that as a parent, if young difficult child is working his hiney off in every way, you might not choose to help in more ways. However. A BIG however. However, if he steps into chaos or doesn't work his hiney off? Why on earth are you and husband expected to live that chaos? Answer is, you are not. I know you know these things my friend.

I am rooting for your young difficult child. I'm also rooting for you keeping firm on this wonderful growth into a mother who loves but knows now what is not expected of her. As always, I have utter faith in you.

 

[DammitJanet]

Tammy...I know how hard it is not to think about all these things. I really do. They are our baby boys. Cory always gets me in so many ways. He actually came shopping in my kitchen pantry yesterday! I guess I was lucky as he actually came to ask me to lend him $50 to get him over the week until payday but I told him we just didnt have it. I kinda felt guilty too because the reason he was short was he bought two beagle pups for his father for his birthday. So I didnt mind too awful much when Cory left out of the house with some hamburger meat, a can of meatloaf fixings and a couple of taters. Enough for one meal and maybe a sandwich for lunch the next day.

As far as what kind of job can a felon get? That is tough. He has made it hard on himself. That is something Cory has found really hard. Construction is all Cory has found that overlooks his background and even some jobs there have an issue with it. He cant get on some military bases but others are fine with it. He is working now on a base but he didnt have to get a clearance to work there. Some bases require a clearance and he has a problem then. Your son might consider getting some sort of training for something like welding or heavy equipment. That would be less strenuous than straight out carpenter work.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Mattsmom! Gosh it's always good to "see" you, not just on FB! smile.
Wooh, I sure hope you're right about my "growth". It truly IS a fine line isn't it?

See, with the ankle monitor, I hear the state will expect us to have a LAN Phone Line installed...so I guess it's not "all" up to me. But as far as young difficult child being able to get to AA and a job interview etc...I will have to take him as we do not have a spare car for him to use, though he does have a good driving record.

I know his wife will be over with the kids reguarly to visit with him. TTL she is now on a new method of birth control...she is taking shots. And G-d knows none of us grandparents need more grandbabies to house, cloth, feed, or be concerned with right now. I think it is the grandchildren that have really been the cause for alot of my enabling in recent yrs. That, and having been raised without a dad and a distant grandmother, no brothers/sisters, etc. I just have always felt a strong longing to have family together. Even in the letter to young difficult child this morning, I stressed how important it is for him to "be there for his children"...the importance of a father.

Young difficult child is not big on working hard. He is a thinker not a doer. He can talk your head off about any subject he is interested in...Used to seem like he just wanted to argue points all day but I guess he was really trying to figure out where HE stood and solidly formulate his views. He also has his Weather obsession (Aspie like qualities) and loves the computer.

I wish husband would let young difficult child go with him to clients and do some light work for him. I don't know if he'll take that chance though. It may take young difficult child flipping burgers for awhile...proving to all concerned that he is finally willing to work hard. Time will tell.
Thank you for having so much faith in me.

Hi Janet,
You betcha...It is REALLY hard for me to not see young difficult child as my little boy. He really is a "Mamma's Boy"...sigh, often misunderstood by dad (husband). See, it's oldest difficult child and husband that are SO similar...but young difficult child, he's more like me. He is playful, funny, and creative. He is emotional and a very deep thinker. He is a good person though despite his problems. His heart is good, ya know. And so many of his problems, I feel, are as a result of Bipolar Disorder, which of course I share with him. I wish young difficult child could prove to himself though...not to dad...that he is strong and able.

Construction huh...I don't know. With young difficult child's pacemaker/heart issue I don't know if he would be okay???
But I am happy for your Cory. He has come such a Loooooong way from where he used to be. You must be so relieved after all the yrs of worry! Hey, and pretty darn cool for Cory that it is looking like his "rights" were restored!

LMS

 

[InsaneCdn]

What kind of work can he do? Well - I don't know what his physical limitations are with that pacemaker, but... while construction LABOUR might be too heavy-duty, if he can learn to operate equipment and do it well, that might be an option - anything from a skidsteer, to steam-rollers and paving machines, to graders and backhoes and dumptrucks... Truckdriving might be an option, especially what we here call "rough trucking" - sand, gravel, water, tar. Beyond that, it's the trades... electrical isn't as physically demanding as some trades are... most trades have some physical demands.

Or he can go to school and become a teacher, and teach ADULTS. They are very strict here that people with a record cannot teach kids... but adult students don't get that protection.

 

[Nancy]

LMS those are all valid concerns. One thing I just learned yesterday is that addicts will use their dog's urine and put it in a bladder bag strapped to their leg with hand warmers around it and pass the drug test. I hope they monitor his testing and it is done in an outside lab.

In the meantime you should decide what you will and will not accept and make sure you and husband are on the same page.

I'm crossing every body part that prison has made him decide to take a different path for his life.

Nancy

 

[Signorina]

hmmmm... What's taken you so long? I wouldn't say it's taken long at all! December is still a ways off. When your son got into trouble & you found out daughter in law was pg, you were in crisis. Not just the "how am I going to deal with the issues at hand" but "what will become of him/ them?" "What if? How? When? etc."

I am relating it to my own experiences and the things that make me panic in the middle of the night. I like having my ducks in a row. Belt and suspenders. When I go with "Plan A" I like knowing that I have "Plan B" THROUGH "Plan Z" in my back pocket. If often said, that when God handed out patience, I didn't want to wait in line. I am relating it to my own experience. I found this board in sure hopes that it would give me plans B thru Z. I needed to know my next steps. The immediate concerns I was posting a year ago-certain I needed an immediate black and white answer - didn't come to fruition OR unfolded in a different way than my projections. I learned a lot of "best choice ways" to deal within the moment. By being here, I gained a "best practice" philosophy of parenting a substance abusing "man-child" (or woman-child) based on the collective history of parents who had been there done that or were in the midst of it too.

So, I would say -- pretend you are eating an elephant. Take it one bite at a time and deal with the black and white issues at hand. Start thinking of the ground rules of living in your home, the logistics of getting him reacquainted with his kids and wife - the who what and where of those things. Buy a safe to lock up your medications and consider getting rid of any alcohol or at least securing it somewhere. Find a few AA options and know the schedules.

Things like the job and transportation will have to wait until they actually unfold. You can't fret about getting him to a job he hasn't gotten yet or about how long he will stay when you have no idea if he will have income. Those are things you will have to address as they come to fruition. You have the skills to do it. You are strong and you have a clear view of the big picture. And you love your son. It will work out. Trust yourself.

 

[dashcat]

The unknown is always scary Hard as it is, try to remember that you have very little control over how his future unfolds. All you can do is love him and pray that he will find his way. There is some peace in accepting that (and, believe me, I am a work in progress when it comes to that...but the moments when I do allow myself acceptance are becoming more frequent).

Keep writing to him. I bet that getting letters is huge for him.

I don't know what it is like to be in your situation, but I do know what it is like to feel responsbile for driving, food, shelter, etc. As moms,we are hardwired to help our kids. It's very hard to know when to turn that off and when (and how long) it is necessary to keep helping.

Are there resources in your area to help people find jobs? We have a great county facility here and I imagine they have experience in placing people who have felonies. I hope you have something like that in your area for him.

Try and take it one day at a time.

Dash

 

[pinevalley]

LMS: I'm sure that you are very concerned about what will happen when your son gets out of prison in December. I can relate to what you are going through, because my difficult child is in jail right now. My h and I are still living in a nightmare over the mess that our son is in, and it is easy to get paralyzed by this worry. Whenever I start to obsess about my son I have to remind myself that it will not help me or anyone else to make myself sick with worry. I know that you are very strong, because of everything that you have already been through with both of your sons. You are a wonderful mother, and I know that you will be able to deal with all the issues when your son comes home. I have faith in you!

Whenever my son is released from jail he will also be a convicted felon, which will be a serious problem for him. My h has been doing research about jobs for felons, and he found a book that has very good information for felons and their families. This book is written by an ex-convict who turned his life around after prison and became a psychologist. He gives step by step information for felons who want to change their lives after prison. My h and I both read this book, and we hope that our difficult child will read this also. If you are interested in this book, it is called Going Straight, and it is written by Dr. Paul Fauteck.

I am sending you my very best wishes for serenity in the next few months. ((HUGS)).....

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you all for the suggestions and care. I'm kind of feeling abit overwhelmed today...other issues.

Sig, I do have a safe and husband and I do NOT drink...so that won't be a problem.
I hope to pick up that book, Pinevalley. Sure sounds like you and your husband are doing the "homework",sigh...the things we continue to go through! Geez. I'm so tired of it all.

LMS