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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 628477" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Ok....this is a hard one to answer. Very hard.</p><p></p><p>First of all, a lot of our kids have been sexually abused and some of us don't even know it because kids usually don't tell. So kudos to your daughter. Good for her for deciding not to allow the horrible incident to destroy her life. </p><p></p><p>Secondly, touchy this...we saw the best sexual abuse victims doctors, psychs and experts when it happened to my youngest kids. In their case it was a foster/adoptive child and I feel VERY guilty that I ever thought to adopt a child who was older than my youngest, even though he had a stellar child profile and even his psychiatrist had said he is a really good boy. He wasn't so my other two, also adopted, paid the price. They are both doing better than the average kid their age, I think, and I believe it's because the state offered to pay for almost any help we needed...they really felt badly that it turned out this way. The kid who did it was sent packing and THAT I think was the right thing to do. I've never had a moment's guilt over THAT, but I did over not thinking that duh this could happen. Older child. Foster care all his life. Five foster parents. Yes, hes foster mother of five years also thought he was great...everyone did...but what a stupid thing to do on my part. I don't blame hub because he was not really in-the-know about attachment disordered kids and I did know about it. It just seemed, from every source, that this boy was the exception. Hahaha. Jokes on me. Anyhow, do I blame myself? As you can tell, I do. However it is done. It's over. They got great help. Both are doing outstanding in life right now. Which leads me to...</p><p></p><p>Sexual abuse does not have to take over your life in a bad way, but you will usually need some sort of counseling if it happened to you at some time in your life. Often kids block out the memories and they come back at a later date. Which leads me to think that it's possible that if your husband abused your daughter, he probably also did something nasty to your son and he either doesn't recall or he won't tell you. I may be wrong, but this is such a serious issue and it CAN impact our kids in the negative...even if you son just knows his father is a sexual predator...did he get counseling? Did he when his father left? Did he ever? If not, then I believe that like me you do have some accountability here, but it isn't on purpose. LIke me you didn't think this would happen. If we did, we would have stopped it before it did. Right?</p><p></p><p>Your son needs help badly. He has been through a lot. But at his age he is the only one who can heal himself, the only person who can take that step to get treatment. You can't force him to do it. There is nothing you can do and in no way did you ever deliberately harm either of your children. I think that the best you can do is to let him know you believe he can do better, encourage him to get help and then go on with your own life and see what happens. If he gets help, you can support him with all your heart and soul. Even though he has had some tough years and experiences, I never believed that what we do in the name of guilt helps our adult children learn to cope and to grow up. </p><p></p><p>You can probably get free and good help at a woman's shelter if your husband is mean to you...physically or just emotionally. And you can bring up to them what happened to your kids and start a healing path for yourself that way. You can let your son know you are getting this help, sort of put a bug in his ear. Maybe it will give him an idea. Maybe not. But it can't hurt. YOU had a hard life too and if your son sees you trying to make the rest of your days good ones, you are at least setting an example, even if he doesn't choose to follow it. </p><p></p><p>Although sexual abuse in the family is a definite cancer, as your daughter and my two youngest show us, you do not have to take drugs, get into trouble, or drop out of society because it happened. You can get treatment too...it's a better option. Have you ever read the book "A Child Called It" by David Pelzer? I recommend it because the man who wrote that book about his intensely abusive childhood (his mother tried to kill him, starved him, abused him, belittled him, refused to get him medical care, poisened him, etc.) turned out to be a good man who joined the service and now helps other abused kids. The very worst abuse CAN be overcome and, from the information you told us, you are not thinking your son was even part of the sexual abuse. </p><p></p><p>My daughter is going to college next year, majoring in law enforcement. She has a strong drive to help distrubed teens and would like to work with young offenders. Maybe you can off-handedly suggest that because he lived through so much and is strong, he should help others going through bad stuff. Again, can't hurt.</p><p></p><p>I usually tell parents not to engage their difficult children, but this kid has gone through a lot and I wish both of you the best. And I hope you stay with us so we can help whenever you need to vent.</p><p></p><p>So sorry for your hurting mommy heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 628477, member: 1550"] Ok....this is a hard one to answer. Very hard. First of all, a lot of our kids have been sexually abused and some of us don't even know it because kids usually don't tell. So kudos to your daughter. Good for her for deciding not to allow the horrible incident to destroy her life. Secondly, touchy this...we saw the best sexual abuse victims doctors, psychs and experts when it happened to my youngest kids. In their case it was a foster/adoptive child and I feel VERY guilty that I ever thought to adopt a child who was older than my youngest, even though he had a stellar child profile and even his psychiatrist had said he is a really good boy. He wasn't so my other two, also adopted, paid the price. They are both doing better than the average kid their age, I think, and I believe it's because the state offered to pay for almost any help we needed...they really felt badly that it turned out this way. The kid who did it was sent packing and THAT I think was the right thing to do. I've never had a moment's guilt over THAT, but I did over not thinking that duh this could happen. Older child. Foster care all his life. Five foster parents. Yes, hes foster mother of five years also thought he was great...everyone did...but what a stupid thing to do on my part. I don't blame hub because he was not really in-the-know about attachment disordered kids and I did know about it. It just seemed, from every source, that this boy was the exception. Hahaha. Jokes on me. Anyhow, do I blame myself? As you can tell, I do. However it is done. It's over. They got great help. Both are doing outstanding in life right now. Which leads me to... Sexual abuse does not have to take over your life in a bad way, but you will usually need some sort of counseling if it happened to you at some time in your life. Often kids block out the memories and they come back at a later date. Which leads me to think that it's possible that if your husband abused your daughter, he probably also did something nasty to your son and he either doesn't recall or he won't tell you. I may be wrong, but this is such a serious issue and it CAN impact our kids in the negative...even if you son just knows his father is a sexual predator...did he get counseling? Did he when his father left? Did he ever? If not, then I believe that like me you do have some accountability here, but it isn't on purpose. LIke me you didn't think this would happen. If we did, we would have stopped it before it did. Right? Your son needs help badly. He has been through a lot. But at his age he is the only one who can heal himself, the only person who can take that step to get treatment. You can't force him to do it. There is nothing you can do and in no way did you ever deliberately harm either of your children. I think that the best you can do is to let him know you believe he can do better, encourage him to get help and then go on with your own life and see what happens. If he gets help, you can support him with all your heart and soul. Even though he has had some tough years and experiences, I never believed that what we do in the name of guilt helps our adult children learn to cope and to grow up. You can probably get free and good help at a woman's shelter if your husband is mean to you...physically or just emotionally. And you can bring up to them what happened to your kids and start a healing path for yourself that way. You can let your son know you are getting this help, sort of put a bug in his ear. Maybe it will give him an idea. Maybe not. But it can't hurt. YOU had a hard life too and if your son sees you trying to make the rest of your days good ones, you are at least setting an example, even if he doesn't choose to follow it. Although sexual abuse in the family is a definite cancer, as your daughter and my two youngest show us, you do not have to take drugs, get into trouble, or drop out of society because it happened. You can get treatment too...it's a better option. Have you ever read the book "A Child Called It" by David Pelzer? I recommend it because the man who wrote that book about his intensely abusive childhood (his mother tried to kill him, starved him, abused him, belittled him, refused to get him medical care, poisened him, etc.) turned out to be a good man who joined the service and now helps other abused kids. The very worst abuse CAN be overcome and, from the information you told us, you are not thinking your son was even part of the sexual abuse. My daughter is going to college next year, majoring in law enforcement. She has a strong drive to help distrubed teens and would like to work with young offenders. Maybe you can off-handedly suggest that because he lived through so much and is strong, he should help others going through bad stuff. Again, can't hurt. I usually tell parents not to engage their difficult children, but this kid has gone through a lot and I wish both of you the best. And I hope you stay with us so we can help whenever you need to vent. So sorry for your hurting mommy heart. [/QUOTE]
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