When a family cares too much....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, Aug 16, 2009.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Once again...."paranoia runs deep; into your life it will creep."

    My sister in law showed up at my house this past Wednesday & started going thru my paperwork. Given my dad, aunts & uncles were to arrive in the next hour or two & the level of pain I was in I really didn't keep track of what was happening & what she took out of my home. I remember giving her my password & such to my bank account & am now hitting myself over the head.

    She contacted an attorney about moving me closer to family with-o the tweedles - I know the tweedles are a huge stressor in my life AND they are my children. I told her that leaving like this might be considered child abandonment since I can & am still being asked to make decisions. I own my home & am making the correct choices for my children.

    My neuro doctor saw me yesterday on an emergent situation because being off the prednisone has caused a huge increase in pain as well as my sed rates & other blood work. He told me to treat the pain - my sister in law while an RN isn't fully aware
    of the entire situation nor should be as she isn't my medical power of attorney. Neuro doctor told me to treat the pain - I'm not over doing it, in fact, am not filling my medications as directed. If the pain is under control I will be less confused; more aware of what is going on around me. Don't listen to my families concerns about addiction - that is between him & me.

    However, my family has "decided" I will move closer to them & leave the tweedles here. They have decided that they will handle my finances with-o my input - I haven't legally appointed a POA yet. I will sell my house as is not let me enjoy the improvements I've made & the joy I get out of working in my yard.

    I'm concerned - do I seem that out of it? Has the decline in my IQ due to the brain injury make me at risk for losing my children; my house & my freedom?
  2. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Oh, Linda. Because you don't have enough on your plate.

    Do you seem that out of it? You have been making good and healthy decisions with your kids, your home, and your health. So, my answer would be no.

    Have you talked to your Dad about this?

    Is there some misunderstanding on part of the family regarding kt's Residential Treatment Center (RTC) stay? Do they understand that it's temporary, not permanent?

    I know you are very close with your family. However, if you have concerns, and since one family member has already contacted an attorney, I would be inclined to do the same.

  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I am sorry this is all happening to you. (((hugs)))

    You seem to explain it well, sound rational and sound of mind, aware of your situation, and in no way sound like someone a court would remove freedom from to hand to family to make decisions for.

    I hate to say it, but I too agree you should see a lawyer. I would have the lawyer draw up a letter and send it to ALL involved, about your state of mind (lucid, healthy, coping well, in control and intending to REMAIN in control). Perhaps thanking them for their concern during a difficult time in your life but wanting to reiiterate to them all that you are perhaps needing support in a trying time, but are in no way going to lay down and let others control or dictate life for you or the tweedles. It can be worded firmly but gently, without ruffling feathers. I'd say nip this in the bud before anyone decides to run flat out with it and a big broo ha ha develops.

    I hope you are feeling better soon. (((hugs)))
  4. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Oh, Linda. Hugs first.

    I would not let any of this happen without an attorney's opinion. Toss in the doctor's. Sometimes you're so close the situation you fail to see what is happening, yet others do. Sometimes they are just meddling when they need to back away and give you space. I don't know where you fall in that spectrum, but you've always seemed quite articulate and aware.

    I would change your bank account password. Do not sign anything that gives up your home or kids without an attorney's advice.

  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    You are NOT brain damaged, and your family may be scared but they are greatly overstepping their bounds. I know they worry and love you, but is this the same family that wanted your "extra" car, computer and to have someone out of work travel hours to your home to "fix" it for you?

    I think they are trying to scheme you out of your $$$.

    It is just TOO soon after the push to get you to give up your assets because one of them was out of work.

    Tell your lawyer to send info to them telling them they can NOT control your life, that you are doing what you need to do and you do not want them to take over.

    They are taking advantage of you.

    Change ALL bank/computer/insurance passwords ASAP. Call the lawyer bright and early tomorrow morning. if you need to assign someone a POA have it NOT be these people. They clearly do not know you well if they think this is an appropriate way to treat you.

    It has been a devastating couple of years. yes, there are some problems. You are not functioning where you were a few years ago. But they are not either. None of us are.

    I am so sorry. Let me know if I need to break out the voodon't doll to get them to stop this nonsense. If your docs thought you needed this they would tell you. Same for your lawyer. If you wait past tomorrow morning they may be able to get in front of a judge for an emergency order of some sort. Don't let them get the jump on you.

    Keep us posted.
  6. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Right or wrong, Susie has some very valid points and I agree. Call a lawyer TOMORROW! Change ALL of your passwords NOW if possible! If you feel you need to give a list to someone for safekeeping....give them to someone with no inside interest whom you trust.

    I'm sure there are worries on the part of your family but I also think they are way overstepping their bounds. They don't even live close enough to SEE how you are on a daily basis. I would bet money that someone voiced concern after maybe seeing you/talking to you on a bad day, spoke to someone else and then it just blew up from there. I also agree that if your doctor thought you needed this, he would tell you.

    HUGS. You don't need this.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I do know how frustrated you must be with this. It is hard when your body betrays you and then the family you want to vent to and get support from suddenly decides you are over-the-top serious ill and feels a need to "rescue" you.

    been there done that with my gfgbro. There have been several times over the years he has tried to go see my docs because he is SURE if I just go do this or that or put a magnet in my shoe or take a vitamin that all my problems will go away. I have also seen him do it to my mother many times.

    Stang is right that one or more of them spoke to you on a bad day, or on a couple of bad days.

    I also think the out of work relative has a hand in this.
  8. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member


    Like Abbey, what I really want to start with here is a hug for my friend.

    Also like Abbey and others, I wholeheartedly agree that a discussion needs to be had openly - with an attorney or some other neutral third party professional. Probably a big round table discussion so that all the cards can be played.
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2009
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I think your subject line says it all. They care too much, and are becoming over involved and over controlling. I am sure they are worried and doing it out of the love in their hearts, but they are mislead and off track. Perhaps getting a lawyer who can also be your public defendant will let them know just how strong you are - and just how sound of a mind you still have. Once again you are going to have to be a warrior mom.............only this time............to yourself.

    Many hugs.
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    You have a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a neuro. I'd ask them, point blank...

    What I have seen here is not out of it at all. Adn what they are doing is ludicrous...you need this time without the tweedles to HEAL YOU....not uproot everything you own and bring MORE chaos into your life.

    Perhaps you can give one of your trusted docs the name and number of a couple of your relatives and ask them, if you do get to that point, to contact someone, then you can tell your family to back off, when the docs think you are to that point, they'll call you. That's just a maybe, tho...I'd have to trust someone an awful lot.

    Many hugs. You don't need this.
  11. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    OMG, Linda! This is how I got bleeped out of $1.5 million and my mom and I were denied the opportunity to say "good bye, I am sorry and all is forgiven!".
    These relatives are over stepping, please get a lawyer. I worry that you even have to ask yourself whether they might have a point.

    I have met you, an honor! You were with it and aware of your strengths and your limitations. You came across as very independent. I can barely breath, I'm so mad.
  12. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I would also like to recommend a fire-proof, locked box for your papers. And wear the key on a chain around your neck.

    Family or not, concerned or not, I wouldn't want anyone going through my personal and important papers without my express consent.
  13. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Get to your banks ASAP and transfer the accounts either to another number/name or to a different bank all together. Contact any investment representatives you may have investments with and change those numbers and name. Use your first initial and middle name if you have to so relatives can't find it.

    Talk to your doctor about your concerns that your family is overstepping their limits. Ask him for specific conditions that they should look for before being concerned - even if the condition is "When my doctor believes I need outside help, his office will contact you" or something like that?

    I would say the family is not considering your best interests if they have made it clear that the Tweedles stay behind with no consideration of you as a mom.

    Start looking for a lawyer - you may need one? I hope not but it does not sound like your sister in law used proper etiquette in showing concern and making plans for your future. My guess is someone in the family wants your house.
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I too would seriously consider getting an attorney. I would also let your neuro and therapist know about this.

    In the mean time...lesson learned. Perhaps limit things said.

    It is certainly very possible they have your best interest at heart and are very worried about you.

    Do you have a very close, long term friend that is aware of the entire situation...whom you trust? You might tell them about some of this.

    As best as you are able, it might be a good move to be kind and loving to them, but at the same time assertive about your right to independence and privacy. Assertive...not aggressive. Firm ...not mean. Kind...not a doormat.
    Be consistent...and they should relent. However, double check with the folks mentioned above...get some things on record and advice on how to shake this unwanted involvement.
  15. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Linda, I don't have any other advice to add. Just sending hugs and lots of strength.
  16. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I'm sorry, Linda.

    In addition to consulting an attorney about this, I'd suggest going one step further and making the necessary decisions (power of atty for you and the tweedles). Having designated individuals will lessen the chances of random family members being able to seize control. Get plans into place for the tweedles in advance should you not be able to care for them. All of us really need to make sure we have the legal bases covered because nothing in life is certain.

    Keep us posted.
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am always the optimist. I like to believe people are good. It does not always turn out that way.

    I am guessing your family is soooooo very worried about you they felt they had to do something to help.
    This is about THEM - not YOU. It is selfish of them to take over so they can feel like they are doing something to help you.

    Tell them you get that they are feeling the need to help out in the only way they can, but that you have supports and people in place to help you.

    There is no need to rush any changes. You are not out of it.

    However, what they are proposing may be something to consider in the future.

    Tell them this. Before getting a lawyer. No need for them to feel a.) you are losing your mind if you hired a lawyer against them - the loving family and b.) they retract their offer of help and when you really need it, it is not there.

    Just MHO.
  18. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Make the bank aware, my uncle started doing things to my grandfathers account, and the bank called the police and charged him with elder abuse. Can you hire someone, or does insurance cover someone to come into your home and to help you.

    My 98 year old grandfather is still in charge of his own money, even though someone helps him do everything else. I can tell you are NOT in need of anyone controlling your finances, if they are adamant about it, they don't have your best interest at heart. Why would they have the nerve to contact an attorney?

    I'm sorry ((((HUGS)))).-Alyssa
  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I have never read in any of your posts that your family was anything other than supportive I have read in your posts that you are having difficulty with your memory, that you are in pain and (justifiably) you are stressed to the max. I've also read that you are concerned about the future...again a logical concern.

    My bet is that your collective family is highly concerned for your wellbeing and have probably had conversations that included phrases like "I wish she would just move closer to us so she is not alone." "I worry about what might happen with her health problems with no family around." "I think she is at risk of someone taking advantage of her." etc. etc.

    Usually, in my experience, there is ONE family member who decides "I am going to do something and not just talk about it!" I bet that's what happened. That relative now knows something about your financial condition, your daily living etc. that was not known before. There may or may not be a collective famiy action to "protect you".

    I agree that you need to create a "Linda's Team" that includes your physician, your attorney, perhaps a representative from disability office, and anyone that you might really trust who lives near you. Steps can be
    taken to protect you from those who are trying to protect you! ;) I would not delay to seek those steps.

    on the other hand, as a distant cyber family member, I have felt the need to suggest on more than one occasion that moving closer to family might be the right choice for your physical/emotional health. The stronger and healthier you are the better you can make choices on how to supplement the care your children are receiving.

    I'll include you in my thoughts and prayers today. DDD
  20. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Linda, you would have to be judged incompetant. No one can sell your house if they don't own it.
    Now that you gave people access to your accounts, you may be vulnerable to others making decisions.

    Your family is wonderful and always has. Do they see something we can't? Probably.
    Do you seem drugged? Maybe? but the thicker, slower speech that I heard may be what they think is drugged behavior. I don't know whether that is true or the result of your illness, but if you want the best thing for yourself and your children, you need 1)consult with doctors about your cognitive level of functioning. Discuss with Dr's. your family's concern about overmedicating.
    Ask the doctor's if they could meet with your dad and a sibling so they can hear what you hear.
    Ask the doctor if you need someone to assume guardianship of your funds. You have done a huge amount of remodeling and your family may be concerned that your are making financial decisions under the influence and your long term financial health may suffer for it.

    Linda, I know nothing about any of the above. I am tossing out possibilites of why suddenly the kind, wonderful supportive family seem to be moving in to take over. It doesn't really seem like them.