When can a child cry for help and feel safe?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by therese005us, Jul 17, 2009.

  1. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Well, what a frustrating day!
    After psyching my little cherub up about going to the police station, with phrases like: 'let's go and talk to my friend about this, she said she'll help us talk to daddy about not doing that anymore because you don't like it!' etc. we arrived at the police station and the very nice female officer said that sorry, but as it was with another office, she felt she couldn't talk to cherub - apparently they had reopened the case after all. In fact, apparently even DOCs were looking into again! So, we had to go away and wait on that. I contacted the CV (the CV works for the Child Guardian Commission and is an advocate for any child in care) that has offered to help in this matter and told her what had happened. She said to ring DOCs (Dept of Child Safety) around 12 and see what was happening. Whcih I did. I spoke with the same person as the other day. She informed me that a case worker had been appointed, and she would contact the bio mum to speak to her about what the arrangements were for the weekend. She said that the original police would be reinterviewing again,but she didnt' know when At this stage there is no reason why cherub can't go back to mum as she hasn't made any disclosure to the police.
    No one is planning to ring me back, but they have my name and number on data if they need to. End of discussion.

    An hour later I get a call from the Case Worker saying that she had a conversation with bio mum about her going for the weekend and they have put something in place to ensure safety of the weekend. When I asked what, she said she couldn't tell me, as it was private.
    She said nothign came of the conversation that shows that mum isn't beign protective of the children. After the weekend, further assessment will be done by the police and department.
    We have a family arrangement, therefore at this stage, nothing has been shown to say they need to intervene at this stage.

    I repeated all this to the CV. And then we discussed ways of avoiding taking the child back... there are not many options, as child is looking forward to a weekend with the family, as there is a birthday party for the 3yo Then I waited on bio mum to ring me.

    Bio mum said she'd been contacted by the dept and she went around to their office and signed a piece of paper to say that the daddy won't be left alone with the children, he isn't to bathe, change nappies or put the children to bed and should have an adult present at all times. Easy? child's safe now. He's allowed to sleep over too!!

    I feel much better about cherub's safety now!!

    Oh, and when the original policewoman phoned me and I told her I'd taken cherub to other police station, she said I shouldn't have. After she told me the case was closed... I should have waited... She said they're terribly busy and it's not a priority right now.....

    Safety of children,not a priority, it makes me sick!

    If any of us were raped, we could find help and support, crisis care, refuge within a matter of hours, WITHOUT havign to go to the police.... but children have to wait?? what is wrong with this world?

    I intend to make several phone calls to bio mum tomorrow evening when cherub is there, just for piece of mind...

    I've also had a little chat with her about safe touching etc. and not keeping bad secrets, but it's hard to know how much she takes in and understands....

    Please, all pray for this little cherub, and the other two. I am so worried.

    Sorry it was so long....
  2. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Prayers being said, and for you as well, I can't imagine how frustrated you must be. It is truly insane.
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Oh no, tat's awful.

    But what was wrong with you going to the other police station, if you had been told the case was closed? You're not to know it's been re-opened.

    I had similar problems with difficult child 3's school at one stage - I was talking to the school counsellor (at the suggestion of the class teacher) and school counsellor suggested I call the district disabilities person about the issue in question. District disabilities person said, "Let's call in te behaviour therapistagain, I'll organise it."
    Next thing I'm getting yelled at by the class teacher because the behaviour therapistshouldn't have been called in without asking permission/informing the class teacher or the principal, because it looks like I'm expressing lack of confidence in them (perish the thought).

    I initially appologist for my breach in protocol and grovelled to the teacher about how I was terribly sorry for sending possible bad messages; then I thought, "I'm the parent, what do I know of departmental protocol? My aim is to see my child's needs are met; I don't have time to tiptoe around customs, regulations and over-sensitive teachers. So I retracted my apology and warned them that while I wouldn't go out of my way to undermine them, if at any time in the future I trod on toes in a similar way they would just have to live with it because I was not in the system and therefore not bound by it. I do what I think is right according to the information I have at the time. If the information I have is not correct, that is not my fault. We correct as we go and deal with it as we go.

    We can only do the best we can, and we're not necessarily trained in the protocol and regulations of the way the system is supposed to work.

    So if they don't want us to get it wrong - THEY have to get it right, or put up with us blundering around trying to protect our children.

    So there.

    So don't feel bad (if you do - I wouldn't) for going to the wrong police station or whatever - you were doing what you thought was the right thing.
    Can you take her to the correct police station next week? Or is there a chance bio-dad or bio-mum will put a spanner in the works before then, now you've tipped your hand?

  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    this is just tragic. You are to be respected for your dedication to this cherub. Prayers you'alls way.

  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I am sending you and the cherub a LOT of hugs. I don't believe the way the judicial systems handle this. Just because it's biomom. GRR!

    Teach cheub whatever your equivalent is of 911 and how to scream "fire" instead of whatever else. It will get more attention. I know this from personal experience.

    Again, {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} to you all.
  6. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Yes, it is frustrating.
    I have spoken to cherub tonight already, and tomorrow I will pick her up. Just wait - bio dad is going away for a month with his mom; bet the 'powers that be' will say, oh, he's not there now, so we don't have to worry!
    I'm tipping that mom will pressure the girl into saying whatever she wants her to say, which is nothing, between now and when the police call for her again - they are so busy apparently, on more important things than child abuse!! Sorry for the sarcasm - just can't help it!
    Also, the original officer that tried to speak with her, is a male, so when it was suggested I take her to a police station, I specified I wanted a female officer so she'd feel more comfortable.

    Thanks for your prayers.
    I can't wait to get her back tomorrow.

    I'll check in Monday night - as you know, I don't usually go onlline on Sundays.

    Hopefully, I'll have some good news to share; but I doubt it.
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2009
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, this sad story puzzles me. Maybe it's cultural. If a little child told the police or our CPS about abuse, it would never be dismissed. It would be checked out diligently. In fact, a bigger problem than children not being believed is adults being falsely accused and prosecuted. Why would anyone just toss off the frightened words of a little child? :(
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aaaarrrrrrggghh! Terese, how frustrating. Poor thing.
    MWM is right--in our country, CPS goes overboard in the opposite direction, often invading privacy in cases where it's simply a misunderstanding. In your case, it sounds like a valid complaint and they closed the case, then told you you shouldn't have gone to another station? Treating you like you're meddling? What so you have to do, show that she's bleeding in order for them to take you seriously?
    I've got my fingers crossed.
    How is her behavior, in the meantime?
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    They NEVER erase an allegation here. It stays on your record. It says "unfounded" but it's still there. At least it is in Illinois. The police normally don't investigate...they call Child Protective Services which is a nightmare if it's a false allegation. You are pretty much guilty until they believe you are innocent. There are few laws to govern them and they are a government agency themselves so are usually believed when they bring you to court. There are websites about trying to fight Child Protective Services and kids being removed without cause or even much evidence. Anyone can turn somebody in and it has to be investigated. I can be angry at Mrs. X. across the street and say I've seen her beating her child, even if it's not true, and it will be investigated. And if it's about sexual abuse, it is REALLY hard to prove yourself innocent. They act swiftly here on that often removing all the kids to foster care even before they investigate. You are not afforded the same rights that you are in a regular trial from Child Protective Services. Even a lawyer once told us, "Ill try, but I doubt much can be done." It's the opposite here. Child Protective Services is often used as a revenge tool, especially when there is a divorce. Sometimes our difficult children get CPS involved on us and it can be a big mess.
  10. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Well, today I was told it is going higher for investigation.
    In the meantime, I let my CV (Community Visitor) - they work for the children's commission and apparently keep an eye on CPS to make sure they're doing their job... well, in this case, they're certainly trying. Anyway, I let my CV know that cherub told me this morning that daddy came in and..... while mommy was at her friend's place.
    Of course, he made a note of that. they (he an dhis wife are both CVs) told me to sit tight and wait.
    Bio mum rang and wanted me to take the little ones from tonight til Thursday (they usually go to daycare on Monday and Fridays) I told her I'd let her know. Having the two extra puts me in a dilemma as I don't have enough car space.
    Well, I waited all day for CPS to ring me. How hard can it be to put an order on these children to keep them safe And then do their investigation?

    Cherub was whiney all afternoon, If I told her no, or later, or whatever, she cried or whined.
    Then biio mum rang and said she'd had contact from CPS who told her they had received a call from someone to say Cherub was touched by daddy over the weekend. She was very angry, telling me what all she would do to that peson when she found out who it was!
    Anyway, she wanted me to get the other two children tonight yet.
    So I did. Now I have to do a big shuffling act for the rest of the week to get everyone where they need to be!
    Cherub is happy to have her siblings along.
    Bio mum is saying she's going to get legal advice, and make sure she's in the room if they interview the children.
    i told her to get the boyfriend to get the legal advice = he's the one with the problem!
    What a mess!
    Am I up for this?
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Unfortunately this doesn't always happen. Now it has been used as revenge against husband, and it's not on his record, even as unfounded, but if someone asks CPS it is "closed, unfounded" - just doesn't show on a background check now. BM's creep, since it was "indicated", it's closed BUT, he was arrested, then released. THAT will show. I just wish we had proof of some sort. It can also be really hard to prove someone guilty unless you have pictures or other physical proof (ugh) and the pics would then get you in trouble for child porn, possibly aiding and abetting.

    Also when we called CPS for Onyxx, when she wanted to tell them what BM had done, they talked to BM and then informed us there was nothing they could do because there was no proof.

    In a divorce situation unfortunately it is usually "believe the mother" and that mother is best for the kids. That's not always right. (I also have a friend who has full custody of his 10-y/o daughter after her BM was beaten by boyfriend & at hospital tested positive for meth. Sigh. It took him 9 years to get custody.)
  12. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    today the Dept. officials will go to the school and interview cherub, then come here and interview the 3 yo boy and 20 mos baby neither of whom will be very easy witnesses. How do they expect a baby who has no speech to tell them anything? when I asked if I could be there for cherub, they said no, but she can ask for a teacher to be present if she wants. Well, she isn't going to ask, so I wised the school up to have a teacher present. Thankfully, the princiapl already intended to sit in on the interview!
    So, I'll keep you posted.
    please say some prayers. I am praying that this will be formalised at least until I can feel satisfied they have done all in their power to keep the children safe.
    They have already told bio mum that daddy isn't to have any phone contact or physical contact with the children, which she is very angry about....
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Saying many prayers for Cherub.
  14. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Just a little update.
    The principal sat in on the interview with Cherub. It went on for nearly 2 hours, with a break between.

    Then they came here.
    They asked little man (3) questions like, 'tell me all about the birthday party' tell me all aabout mommy' tell me all about daddy; tell me one good thing about mommy/daddy. he just babbled, i had to occasionally translate- they misinterpreted his babble/words and wrote down what they heard! They got nowhere!

    They didn't bother talking to bubby - she just sat like a blob - she is very behind her milestones.

    They did tell me that cherub disclosed to them about daddy.
    They said no physical contact/no phone contact and since he's going away for a holiday with his mum they have no concerns about the children being with mum as long as she is showing protective behavior by not having him in the hosue.

    When cherub got in the car after school, she was pretty chirpy. She handed me the business card the dept had given her and when I asked her what it was about, she said (in her language) it was a card so she can phone them; why? said I? if daddy touches my rude parts again! So, there you have it! I said it was good she could ring these girls about it.

    Then this morning I played dumb and asked her again, and she said exactly the same again!

    She may yet have to be reinterviewed by the police, I don't know.

    So, it's happening, slowly. However, the mom is angry about it all. I told her, keep cooperating, but encourage the daddy to talk to them, which he hasn't and the department haven't even contacted him. i would have thought that would have been a priority?? Strange world/laws.
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    These things never make any sense, except to a few people who have no clue about life anyway. I am sorry that they are so horrible.

    If mom is so angry is there a chance she will hurt/abuse the kids when she has them for visits? I would be very worried about that.

    The entire situation is sad.