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When Do You Let Go
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 730269" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>There has to be a balance. At least for me. Even when my son was a small child, I felt that he HAD to take some responsibility for his actions. We knew he needed help when he was 4 or 5, and more so when he was 7. Even at such an early age we believed that he had to WORK to change his behavior. It wasn't all up to the medications and the illness/disorder/syndrome/his brain. We believed that he had the option to make choices each and every day, and that he had to work to choose what kind of person he wanted to be. We always tried to be on his side, but we NEVER accepted violence toward other people unless he was defending himself or someone who could not defend himself when there was no adult or older person in charge who would step in. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes you do have to let them learn their own lessons because what you are doing is not helping them, it is helping to keep them from learning to be independent and self sufficient. At least here in the US, becoming independent and self sufficient is a major goal of child raising. If you keep excusing behavior as them not being able to do X because of their illness, and you do it for them, it can keep them from ever learning. My son had a very hard time learning social rules. Sometimes he just decided they were stupid and he would not follow them. Like bathing every day. He thought that was just a social rule that I made up in order to be mean to him. He didn't stink. I could have either kept tackling him and forcing him through showers, which would have been difficult as he got to be larger than I was. Or I could have sent him to school stinking a few times and let the kids bully him to bits, which would have gotten him into trouble because he would have gotten them back at some point. In some very ugly way. Part of it was thankfully taken out of my hands by the psychiatric hospital that he spent some time in. They had a very careful system of dealing with this that ensured no abuse could happen and that teens learned that every step must be taken. The rest of it was handled by refusing to take him to do things he wanted to do if he did not shower and wear antiperspirant. </p><p></p><p>One thing that also may be different here in the US is that many of us don't have choices about when we lose the ability to stop making our children take their medications. In some States, children as young as age 14 have the legal right to refuse psychiatric medication and they do not have to see a judge to do this. If a parent wants to force the child to take medications, the parent must have overwhelming evidence to get a court order. In states with ages as young as 14, those are incredibly hard to get (from what I have heard). In my state, after a person turns 18, NO ONE can make them take a medication they do not want to take. Even if they go to jail, they can refuse psychiatric medication no matter what. It takes a court order to force someone over 18 to take medications, even if they are in jail and are known to be mentally ill. Just be the parent who owns the house they are living in? You have a better chance of drinking tea with Satan than getting a court order to get your child to take medication. Once in a very rare while, you can get legal guardianship over your child after age 18, meaning your child is basically still your child until a date set by the judge. In that case, you can make the decision about medication for your child. But that is a very rare case. You have to have good lawyers, be a good lawyer, or have a child who is really acting out very badly. Even acting out isn't a guarantee that you will get guardianship.</p><p></p><p>With a relative older than 18, when do you give up and stop "making" them take their medications? You cannot make them take medications in the US. You cannot really ever make anyone do anything. You don't have control over anyone but yourself. That is true no matter where you live. </p><p></p><p>Detaching isn't cutting all ties with the person. I HAD to detach from my oldest child when he was 14. He would not speak to me, kept attacking me, was going to either maim or kill me and/or my daughter. We moved him to my parents house about a mile from our home. He would not speak to me or even eat at the table if I came to dinner. I HAD to get to a place where I put some emotional distance between us because it almost caused me to have a total breakdown. He had to grow up some and realize I wasn't trying to just protect his sister, I was trying to protect BOTH my kids. I was terrified my son would end up in the juvenile prison here and he isn't tough enough to cope there. I don't know what the outcome of your situation will be. Your son is so young and anything could happen. I do know that both you and he matter.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 730269, member: 1233"] There has to be a balance. At least for me. Even when my son was a small child, I felt that he HAD to take some responsibility for his actions. We knew he needed help when he was 4 or 5, and more so when he was 7. Even at such an early age we believed that he had to WORK to change his behavior. It wasn't all up to the medications and the illness/disorder/syndrome/his brain. We believed that he had the option to make choices each and every day, and that he had to work to choose what kind of person he wanted to be. We always tried to be on his side, but we NEVER accepted violence toward other people unless he was defending himself or someone who could not defend himself when there was no adult or older person in charge who would step in. Sometimes you do have to let them learn their own lessons because what you are doing is not helping them, it is helping to keep them from learning to be independent and self sufficient. At least here in the US, becoming independent and self sufficient is a major goal of child raising. If you keep excusing behavior as them not being able to do X because of their illness, and you do it for them, it can keep them from ever learning. My son had a very hard time learning social rules. Sometimes he just decided they were stupid and he would not follow them. Like bathing every day. He thought that was just a social rule that I made up in order to be mean to him. He didn't stink. I could have either kept tackling him and forcing him through showers, which would have been difficult as he got to be larger than I was. Or I could have sent him to school stinking a few times and let the kids bully him to bits, which would have gotten him into trouble because he would have gotten them back at some point. In some very ugly way. Part of it was thankfully taken out of my hands by the psychiatric hospital that he spent some time in. They had a very careful system of dealing with this that ensured no abuse could happen and that teens learned that every step must be taken. The rest of it was handled by refusing to take him to do things he wanted to do if he did not shower and wear antiperspirant. One thing that also may be different here in the US is that many of us don't have choices about when we lose the ability to stop making our children take their medications. In some States, children as young as age 14 have the legal right to refuse psychiatric medication and they do not have to see a judge to do this. If a parent wants to force the child to take medications, the parent must have overwhelming evidence to get a court order. In states with ages as young as 14, those are incredibly hard to get (from what I have heard). In my state, after a person turns 18, NO ONE can make them take a medication they do not want to take. Even if they go to jail, they can refuse psychiatric medication no matter what. It takes a court order to force someone over 18 to take medications, even if they are in jail and are known to be mentally ill. Just be the parent who owns the house they are living in? You have a better chance of drinking tea with Satan than getting a court order to get your child to take medication. Once in a very rare while, you can get legal guardianship over your child after age 18, meaning your child is basically still your child until a date set by the judge. In that case, you can make the decision about medication for your child. But that is a very rare case. You have to have good lawyers, be a good lawyer, or have a child who is really acting out very badly. Even acting out isn't a guarantee that you will get guardianship. With a relative older than 18, when do you give up and stop "making" them take their medications? You cannot make them take medications in the US. You cannot really ever make anyone do anything. You don't have control over anyone but yourself. That is true no matter where you live. Detaching isn't cutting all ties with the person. I HAD to detach from my oldest child when he was 14. He would not speak to me, kept attacking me, was going to either maim or kill me and/or my daughter. We moved him to my parents house about a mile from our home. He would not speak to me or even eat at the table if I came to dinner. I HAD to get to a place where I put some emotional distance between us because it almost caused me to have a total breakdown. He had to grow up some and realize I wasn't trying to just protect his sister, I was trying to protect BOTH my kids. I was terrified my son would end up in the juvenile prison here and he isn't tough enough to cope there. I don't know what the outcome of your situation will be. Your son is so young and anything could happen. I do know that both you and he matter. [/QUOTE]
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