When do you move from Basket B to Basket C?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by 1 Day At a Time, Apr 15, 2008.

  1. Once we discovered and read the "The Explosive Child" from the recommendations from this board we began to implement the Baskets. All I can say, I wish we had known about this technique many years ago. To some extent, we did use this process in an instinctive trial and error way earlier; and it has helped us all survive.

    I'm now beginning to realize that some of our Basket B's are probably going to need to move to Basket C now that difficult child is in the midst of the teenage hormonal haze. We feel like we have been incredibly flexible already , though. These decisions are so hard for us right now. Like all of you, we just want to be good parents and do the best for our difficult child.

    How do you all decide when one of your negotiable areas just needs to be left alone? difficult child has had braces and is going to need even more dental work. Needless to say, this is important and necessary for his future dental health. He has lost two retainers and most recently, a $700.00 grinding guard. (He has a terrible teeth grinding problem which causes many other dental problems). The problem is that he won't let us know when he's lost his appliances. After a while we notice they're gone (it's obvious when he doesn't take them out to eat) and we ask about it. His stock answer is "I've got it under control". We now realize this means "I've lost it, and I don't want you to know about it".

    We had a huge blow out last night, with him locking himself in the bathroom at 1:00AM and yelling "You don't trust me, you never believe what I say" -all the while it is clear that he has not been disclosing the truth. All this, because we asked to see the grinding guard, which it is now lost. difficult child will be turning 17 this summer. We realize that our influence is definitely waning. We are now asking ourselves - do we continue to work with this dental issue - or do we move it to Basket C... I know everyone else may have not dealt with this exact issue, but how have you dealt with similiar issues? You know, the ones that will definitely strongly impact your difficult child in the future but that cause such intense turmoil in your home.

    Thanks for your seasoned advice. We're really at a loss :(
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I know what you mean. With your son's diagnosis being similar to mine, I'm a fan of blunt truth.
    If you lie to me, of course I don't trust you. Trust is earned. I also offer the reverse about if you didn't pick him up when you said you would,he couldn't trust you.

    If you are going to continue with dental treatment, I would have a specific public place for retainer and grinding guard that he must deposit when not wearing. The world stops until it is placed in there. Of course, if it is lost while he is outside of the house I doubt it's worth replacing.

    We do basic dental care but because difficult child was not compliant with dental care we opted to not do braces. If he wants better looking teeth when he is older he can take care of it himself. It went into a Basket C.
    Hygiene is a Basket B, only because I'm tired of beating that horse. He is better but falls off from time to time.

    In my difficult child's case, he didn't start hiding the truth until he realized he would get in trouble with the truth. He was older like late teens. He just didn't have the strong self preservation drive that most teens have.

    Lots of conversations with difficult child about if he wants trusts, he must be trustworthy. They just don't make that connection very well.
  3. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    Basket B is essentially pro-active or out of moment scenario where we collaborate with a kid to solve problems. Often a solution is not working out or not being followed through because there are still ' pathways' problem= cognitive skills which have to be worked on , so in the case of your son , we may put the ' orthodontic treatment ' in basket C , that is removing the trigger , but we are still left with a lacking cognitive skill such as executive funcrtions.
    Sometimes solutions which alter the environment may be useful , using permanent 'braces' etc rather than things that are removed. maybe his dentist can come up with a plan , also maybe the dentist should impress on your child the importance of compliance with instructions for the success of his treatment and that maybe he should ask his parents for help, and reminders , coming up with a plan so he can find his equipment and be consistent in wearing them.

    As far as trust goes , in my humble opinion he does not trust you or rather he does not feel comfortable to come to you for support when he ' screws up '. He has to learn that if he comes to you and says he has lost his equipment , there will be no blame , but rather problem solving , that you are there to help him find solutions that will work for him . Of course one solution would be as Fran said , postpone the treatment till when he is older. Usually when we are conditional using rules ,rewards and punishments we are making a statement that we do not trust a kid to be successful or not break a rule without reward and punisment , when we have expectations and they are not met , we realize we have a problem and can look for solutions. When rules are broken , the implication is to impose a punishment rather than problems to be solved.
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I realize braces are the norm now days and not the exception (I grew up in a poorer agricultural area and only the affluent kids got braces), but not having straight teeth isn't the end of the world. If its important to him later in life, he can fix them then. I would definitely put this in basket c. Sounds like he has bigger issues than straight teeth.
  5. Thanks everyone, your comments have been very helpful.

    After more visits to the periodontist and orthodontist for difficult child the appliances have become a moot point. He is going to lose one of his front teeth after an attempt at a root canal and crown - because the root itself is fractured. (This was discovered by a dental CT scan- technology I've never heard of before). He is going to have to get a dental implant - but first his tooth root has to be "extruded" and his "permanent braces" are going to be reinstalled next week. I'm really impressed with the way the dental professionals are working together to assist difficult child. It is believed that his tooth was weakened as a side effect of the medication he takes. We've been working to change his medications some to help prevent this from happening to his other teeth. Poor guy, he's really been through it with the dental issues.

    Fran, your idea about the central place for the appliances is a good one, and we had tried it. difficult child's grandad was a potter and he had made a small beautiful, colorful ceramic bowl which we ceremoniously gave to difficult child for the purpose. It was kept in a public area of the house. difficult child seemed to continuously resist the idea of using it , though. I think it is because he doesn't want our help, but wants to be able to manage his life on his own. I applaud that, but he still has a little ways to go on that front.

    Alan-Mattem I really liked it when you said "He has to learn that if he comes to you and says he has lost his equipment , there will be no blame , but rather problem solving , that you are there to help him find solutions that will work for him." I have taken that advice to heart and we keep trying on that front. Sometimes, though, I think difficult child is much harder on himself in this arena that we are. But you are right, the trust is not there - and we need to work to build that trust.

    Shari, I agree completely about the bigger issues that difficult child faces. Once we get his implant taken care of - and get his medications straight - the braces and retainers are definitely moving to the back burner!

    I really appreciate the feedback from you guys. It helps to get advice from those who know even the little things are complicated when it comes to difficult child's!
  6. Baffled

    Baffled New Member

    With my difficult child, I had to pick my battle with his braces. His orthodontist knows about his problems and knows it may take longer for his treatment. I was battling him at first about wearing his headgear, but after a while, I had to basket C that one. After a while though, he started lying in bed at night before brushing his teeth saying he would do it later, then falling asleep. Well, then I said ok now we go take them off and you can do it when you're an adult and you can pay for it. He changed his tune on that one and now takes better care of his teeth. I would have waited like Fran said, but his teeth were protruding so bad that the orthodontist said he was in danger of breaking his teeth if he fell!