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When he wants to hug me...
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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 41564" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Dear Midwestmom,</p><p>Your message is so powerful, but I am also saddened by it.</p><p>The point I am trying to make and one which Alfie Kohn makes as well is that we have to look beyond behavior , look at the whole child, his perceptions and feelings. I said it was not easy when our buttons are being pushed to wear the rhino skin and prevent the flight-fight mode from taking over.</p><p>The second point is that I agree that there is a need to teach a lesson , but what is the most effective way and what message is the difficult child picking up. I think the message ' if you treat people this way , they will treat you the same , teaches that you should operate in the world ( like kids ) , he did this to me , so I did that to him , or learn to be expedient and ask what's in it for me , what will happen to me . in my humble opinion we should try and have a discussion with a kid on how his actions effect others using dialog questions and try and reflect on how people maintain relationships , express frustration and disapproval.</p><p>The hug can be that moment to change gears, and move forward. Once the kid has a vision for the future , the relationship with the parent is intact , we can then try and fix the past. We involve kids by asking questions, describing things in a non-blaming way. Negative consequences with most kids just serves to make them more angry and reinforce the perception that you are unfair , than do proper reflection.</p><p>it is not easy. in my humble opinion our goal should to try and be a calming influence on the kid, a thermostat, so we can move forward</p><p></p><p>Allan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 41564, member: 10"] Dear Midwestmom, Your message is so powerful, but I am also saddened by it. The point I am trying to make and one which Alfie Kohn makes as well is that we have to look beyond behavior , look at the whole child, his perceptions and feelings. I said it was not easy when our buttons are being pushed to wear the rhino skin and prevent the flight-fight mode from taking over. The second point is that I agree that there is a need to teach a lesson , but what is the most effective way and what message is the difficult child picking up. I think the message ' if you treat people this way , they will treat you the same , teaches that you should operate in the world ( like kids ) , he did this to me , so I did that to him , or learn to be expedient and ask what's in it for me , what will happen to me . in my humble opinion we should try and have a discussion with a kid on how his actions effect others using dialog questions and try and reflect on how people maintain relationships , express frustration and disapproval. The hug can be that moment to change gears, and move forward. Once the kid has a vision for the future , the relationship with the parent is intact , we can then try and fix the past. We involve kids by asking questions, describing things in a non-blaming way. Negative consequences with most kids just serves to make them more angry and reinforce the perception that you are unfair , than do proper reflection. it is not easy. in my humble opinion our goal should to try and be a calming influence on the kid, a thermostat, so we can move forward Allan [/QUOTE]
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