When/If to Discuss With My Mom???

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Oct 28, 2012.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Most of you who have been here a while know that my only bro is a difficult child and I have cut all contact with him. I love him and want the best for him, but he is not someone who can be n my life or my kids' lives safely. It was so hard to cut those ties, but it was the best thing I could have done for my family, even though it hurt my parents.

    Recently my mom has asked me some things about bro. She seems to want info on his dating history with women. While we didn't live near each other, I do know far more about his dating history than my parents do. Bro used to really get something out of telling me things I did NOT want to know and trying to pry intimate details of my life out of me. He was always WAY inappropriate about oversharing.

    I know some things that my mother would find devastating, and it is likely that she is fairly clueless about how inappropriate he actually has been. It has been my unpleasant surprise on at least 2 occasions to have women I have never met or even seen call me and ask how to get bro to leave them alone. One woman even went and got a gun and learned to shoot because he scared her that much. This was about a decade ago. I am glad she didn't shoot him, but I learned some pretty disturbing things.

    Most upsetting to me is that the women have pretty much said the same things. That he didn't seem to understand the word no, that if other people hadn't been around then the women felt he would have raped them, and that the way that he was with them brought up memories of past sexual assault/abuse. I know that 2 of the women who said that he brought up memories/PTSD are women who had been in therapy and had relationships with men between their assaults and their dating bro. So it wasn't that he was just the first man they attempted to be with. It is something specific about him that brings up these feelings.

    I wouldn't even consider telling my mom this except that our last few discussions have contained some questions about him and how he is when dating a woman and how women perceive his attentions. I really don't know what to tell her. I honestly don't think she will believe me. She still doesn't beleive that he has done even a fraction of the things I have told her. She says she accepts that in my reality it happened that way, but she seems to think that my reality and the reality that everyone else lives in are different. Some years back I thought bro was dating a woman who lived a couple hours away from him and they met up at rodeos every month. This was the frst woman he told my folks about. This woman called me about five mos after he first mentioned her and she BEGGED me to get him to leave her alone.

    it is hard to say this, but he wasn't dating her. he was stalking her. She let him buy her a drink after dancing at a rodeo. I think maybe they made out a bit. Whatever he did really upset her, and she had to get someone else to stop him.

    I don't know if my mom is looking for info to figure out why he never has a girlfriend, or if she has figured out that something is really wrong with him (doubtful), or if she is just trying to figure out how to make me agree to have him in our lives again. or if he has a girlfriend or woman he has fixated on who has gone to my mom for help.

    If you have read all of this and understand it, any suggestions? At this point I am planning to NOT say anything to my mom. Mostly because I don't want the drama/conflama. I hate being accused of wanting bad things for him, and I cannot htink of anything to say about bro and dating other than he tends to either pick psychos or scare off women by being inappropriate and doing something to trigger PTSD from past abuse/assault.

    I SOOOOO DO NOT want to have anything to say about this, but I don't want to lie to my mom either.

    Thanks for any input.
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I would tell her something and see how she takes that. For example tell that in the past there has been women, who have called you and asked advise on how to get your brother to leave them alone. That they have apparently felt your bro is too insistent and doesn't get that they are not interested. Do not make any comments about if these women are right or wrong and let your mother decide it is just misunderstanding, if she wants to. And don't let on that you believe these women are legit. Just state a fact that there has been calls of this nature and let her decide what she thinks about that.

    I think it is likely there has been some similar calls to her too.
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I agree with SuZir, just throw that out there in a very neutral tone. Maybe ask your mom why she is concerned?
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Ask her the reason behind her concern, if she's not forthcoming, then drop it. This is a no win situation for you. We both know this. This could be a set up plotted by bro, with Mom in or out of the loop of that plot. Know what I mean??

    My younger bro isn't to the degree as yours. But he's a difficult child with issues, both childhood and issues exacerbated by 2 really major difficult child (severely mentally disturbed) wives. He's fine with family. BUT with the women in his life.........omg. To live with him is to live in hades. I've just never said anything to anyone. I've seen it on and off over the years. But I don't live back home so it just really never affected me. When he moved in with mom.........now that was another story. It took almost a year for her to realize her son was an abusive a##, and even then she made excuses for the behavior. (although she did finally force him to move out) She was stunned when I told her it was not new behavior by a long shot. She wanted details, but I wouldn't give them. She didn't need them. And I wasn't putting myself there into that spot. No sir.

    I just cringe for every new female he sweeps off her feet.......who later down the road comes crashing down to reality which is ugly. With the childhood friend he hooked up with via my fb acct, I was thrilled it fizzled after the let's meet for a cup of coffee.

    Your mom may, since bro doesn't have you to bug to death anymore with his inappropriate talk, be enduring some of what you did and it has her concerned...........or bro could be up to something. Regardless, with your mom's hx of not truly believing you, it's a no win deal.

    If this is a bit jumbled.........I've not finished my first cup of coffee yet on very little sleep. lol

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susie, I assume your mom is older. Is there really anything to be gained by telling her anything? Doubt it will change your brother...hugs!!!!
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Personally I wouldnt tell her anything that you know but I might question her a bit when she asks you things. Maybe lightly probe in a way such as "hmm, I dont think I remember anything off the bat mom but what has you concerned?" Or something to that effect. Im sure you could be even more oblique.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I probably would do what Lisa suggested or just not say anything at all.
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Yeah, thinking about this, I like the idea of not saying much. But being there for mom's concerns ....only if you're OK with what you might hear.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Susie, you already know the answer.
    Telling Mom anything WILL put gfgbro back in your life, one way or the other - and that is a show-stopper.

    You are fine to plumb HER side... why is she concerned?
    Either she's hearing/seeing/sensing something, or... gfgbro is putting her up to this.
    If its the first case, she needs help detaching, not info. If its the second case... its dangerous.
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You said she most likely won't believe you. Then of course, you're the bad guy and a liar. Tell her nothing. Don't waste a minute of your life having this discussion. She likes to get you to talk about him even knowing how you feel. Don't do it.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Thank You so much. I am not going to tell her anything. You are right, it does put him somewhat back in our lives and that isn't good.

    I have a feeling that bro has been feeling some of the heat of disapproval since he cannot create his conflama camouflage. In the past if he had done something that would create a problem for him with my parents, he would invent something I or my kids or husband had done/said that was awful/mean/whatever and then my mom would be so busy being upset with me that she didn't focus on his problem and they were BOTH fairly happy with this arrangement. Mom didn't have to worry about what bro would do when she got upset or set a boundary with him, and he didn't have to deal with whatever boundary she set or with her being upset with him.

    I do know that he did something financial because now my mom is monitoring his bank acct and spending on a daily basis. they are paying for his grad school expenses provided he does not work ANY job outside his grad assistant job through his dept at the university. Mostly this was because last time he tried grad school he cut classes and ddn't do homework because he was doing tree trimming and that took all his time. but my mom has NEVER wanted access to our finances, not even when we were teens did she monitor our bank accounts. So this is a HUGE change and it would only have happened if he did something really big or he was caught lying to her about having paid something or about the source of a large deposit,and the lying would have to happen a lot more than one time for her t get to this point. I was truly shocked when she mentioned having to monitor his accounts like he was a toddler. Makes me wonder, but I won't ask.

    Coupled with her questions, I sort of think he may be imploding on himself. I wish him the best, and hope taht when he does self desstruct again that he doesn't take my mom's mental health along for the ride. His last 2 really huge implosions combned to send her into a true breakdown.

    Thanks for reminding me that NOTHING I could say would ever result in anything positive. I won't lie if asked point blank, but she won't ask because she doesn't want to know and likely already does. Cause with-o me to tell all his weird things to and to show off inappropriately about his sex life to, then he would treat our mom to all that knowledge and experience. And is ISN'T fun and goes WAY beyond too much information.

    I will let them deal with their strange relationship all by themselves. I just really pray he hasn't truly harmed someone else.
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Perhaps your mother is trying to figure out what, if anything, she should entrust to him after she passes?
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I agree with Hound and Witz....in part, anyway. My thought is that IF she brings it up again you should reply "Mom why are you asking these questions?" In my mind there is a chance that she has seen or heard something that has made her very uncomfortable. I believe that you should give her an opportunity to unburden herself or her concerns. There is no way after many years she would bring up this topic unless something was troubling her. in my humble opinion I think you should think in terms of role reversal. If your child asked veiled questions about sexual issues you wouldn't ignore it...you would make sure that you were an available trusting ear. It might not be comfortable but she may need to unburden herself. DDD

    PS: I don't want to sound dramatic but early stalkers can morph into dangerous people as they age.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    My brother has always been a dangerous person to me. The only women he ever spent time with were unbalanced to put it mildly. His exwife was just another in a long line of whackos. My mom just didn't know about many of them because he didn't bring them home. But he has always been WAY too public with his exploits, and he worked hard for many many years to make sure I was aware of who and how and more details than anyone ever would want to know about their sibling's intimate affairs. He always pushed me to tell him about that part of my life, and at times even pushed me to go with various guys he knew to have sex with them. It struck me as odd and wrong even when I was a young teen. What is even worse is that he has tried to push both myself and my husband to cheat on our marriage. He did this even when he barely had MET my husband, in what was probably one of maybe four conversations they had that was just the two of them. Because of that, my husband really cannot stand him, and we are ALL much happier with him out of our lives.

    I will let my mom vent if she needs an ear. I doubt she would talk about this with anyone else, and she may need to talk now that she has had a couple of years of his behaviors with-o him being able to throw something I have supposedly done to create camouflage for him. I kinda feel sorry for my mom for I am sure she is now realizing that what she thought was me being 'over sensitive" is actually my brother being a very disturbed person.

    I always will wonder why she didn't see how disturbed he was back when he was ranting about how the govt watns to you go to a therapist so they can monitor you. He has gone off on this for at least 30 yrs, since his teens. But apparently I was the crazy one when I thought this was a bit unbalanced of him!
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh gosh Susie...that sounds like Buck! He is completely convinced that the government is trying to control or spy on everyone by the use of things like banking, social security numbers, any member of any social agency etc. However now he has had to use them to get jobs or get help here if he wanted to work the system. He wasnt happy. He still refuses to put his money in a bank but he made the mistake of filing taxes last year so he could attempt to get back the little bit he paid in from his last job. We didnt realize he hadnt filed his taxes in the last 20 plus years! The state of SC kept his return and has now sent him a bill with court costs attached and they know his address now. I guarantee that the feds will be in touch next.

    Tony really got him good with his paranoia. Buck was talking about getting his flu shot and Tony told him that was a way the govt kept track of people because they put isotopes in the shot and it went through the blood stream. LOL. He was freaking out. I am really so sick of him because he has now convinced the dr's to give him 90 lorcet 10's a month and he is taking them 3 at a time each day and then the rest of the day he is taking tylenol by the handful. I told him he is OD'ing on tyenol everyday and he claims he has told his dr this and she is fine with it. BS. He is also not taking any of his other medications because he claims he cant afford them. I called him on this and told him he can live with pain but you cant live with high cholesterol or high blood pressure. Those medications you can get on the 4 dollar list at any drug store. I went 2 and a half years without pain medications because I didnt have insurance but I made sure I had my other medications by going to indigent clinics and getting whatever medications they would give me. He isnt willing to put out that effort. He wants someone else to pay his way. He also isnt looking for a job the way he should. He is waiting for Tony to get another job to take him back on. I tried looking up jobs on craigslist for him and all he did was go...uhhh. He didnt even write anything down about the jobs. I am not going to hold his hand. If he ends up homeless, oh well, he isnt coming back here.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Now, Janet, you know it isn't the isotopes in the shots. It is the RFID type chips that are now on nanochips small enough to go into your body in the syringe from the shot. It is a little computer chip and the gov't can tell where you are and how many credit cards and bills are in your wallet/purse. They can tell the money by those strips the treasury puts into the bills.

    If you ever want to REALLY freak him, tell him that. Let him also know that they have these nanochips in our beef supply and when we eat beef of any kind, even ground, we get those little chips so they can track our diets along with everything else. Cause as small as those nanochips are, they don't even get banged up when meat is ground.

    You should have seen the panic on bro's face when I told him that 4 or 5 yrs ago. truly hilarious.

    I wonder how far into crazy Buck would go if someone sent him a little cloth bag full of dust/dirt and chicken bones, and a note saying it is a gris gris bag and he has been cursed by a voodoo priestess and the only way to undo the effects is to move 500 miles or more from the address that the voodoo priestess has for him?

    Sorry, my mean streak rears its' ugly but so interesting head now and then. I once convinced a bully that I had a voodoo doll of her and all her problems stemmed from that. She was seriously into LSD and hallucinogenic mushrooms and it completely freaked her out. She did leave me alone after that. VERY alone.
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I told him I was having my Wiccan All Hallows Eve Service on Sunday and had to make my altar and he didnt come for dinner. LOL. Tony played along with me and also told him that on Dec 21 it was the Winter Solstice and that was another very important day in the Pagan calendar and he should be there to help celebrate it with us since he felt the need to spout his religion to me the least he could was be here to celebrate with me...lmao.
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Guess my thoughts were overdramatic. I just thought perhaps your Mom "saw" or "heard" something frightening about your Bro that triggered her bringing up the subject in hopes she was wrong. So often when a violent or ugly story hits the news people wonder "how could the parent not know?" I was subsequently going to suggest that if she hinted at unlawful behavior concerns you could refer or suggest a therapist to help her work through it.

    Obviously you know your Mom better than I do, lol. DDD
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    DDD, I think her mom has seen or heard something too. Or has some sort of weird feeling. Sometimes us parents get those pit of the stomach feelings when we just cant deny that one of our kids is doing something we just cant put our finger on but we know its off. All the puzzle pieces are lining up to say something is wrong and we think we are seeing a picture of something we dont want to see. We want someone else to tell us it isnt what we think we are seeing.
  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Obviously, I agree Janet. It's really a sad situation. DDD