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When is enough enough?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 648639" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this with your daughter. </p><p></p><p>When is enough, enough, when do you say, you can't live here anymore? Well, the moment that you feel you have done everything you can, that there is nothing else you CAN do <u>and</u> they are an adult. Once they are an adult you have no more control over their actions. And, it sounds as if you have had no control over her actions for a long time.</p><p></p><p>Your question is the question most of us here on the PE side ask ourselves a lot. It is not answerable by anyone but you. You know what you've been through and to me it sounds like a lot. You know what you've done. And, realistically, you also know that you are about to be powerless in the face of your daughter's life choices. She has not listened to you before this, it is highly unlikely that will change once she's 18. </p><p></p><p>If you are not in the US,then many of the supports here will not apply to you. I don't know how to direct you in another country. Here we have NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Perhaps you might give them a call or email them and ask if there is a similar organization in your country. YOU will need support through whatever choices you make now. I strongly suggest you get them in place since you seem now to be pretty alone since your husband left and you're in a new country. It can feel isolated and exhausting when we have a lot of support and it appears as if you don't have any.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Your situation is challenging. I am so sorry. Your daughter is young, but it appears she is incorrigible, unwilling to help herself and unwilling to do anything reasonable for her own health or yours. </p><p></p><p>In my opinion, there is a point we have to recognize where we say I've done enough, it is beyond my control, it is time to let go. These are our kids, but there is a limit to what we have the power to change or control. It sounds as if you have no power at all here. It is your home. You have another child to consider. You have yourself to consider. Here in the US, there are some opportunities for kids like yours, I don't know what they are in your country. I imagine you've already looked in to what they are. Perhaps the next step is to look into a shelter for her. </p><p></p><p>Guilt is certainly a part of this process with our troubled kids, but really, it serves no purpose but to keep you stuck. It is the belief underneath, that you should be doing more, that you should have done more, that you should have known how to prevent this. Well, you couldn't have done more, you now can't do any more and you couldn't have prevented it. It is what it is.That is the point you have to get to, it is what it is. You are powerless. You have no control. Your daughter will soon be an adult in the eyes of the law. Your choices are limited. You can continue doing what you are doing. Which isn't working. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Don't do that. </p><p></p><p>What you might do is research your options now before she turns 18. Find out what can be done, what can't, what you are willing to do, what you are not. Find clarity in what it is you really do want here. Put the guilt aside. You've done enough. You've sacrificed enough. No matter how many issues your daughter has, she is still capable of knowing right from wrong, her diagnoses do not make her unable to know that. She is extremely manipulative and crafty, she knows how to get what she wants. Unfortunately, it is at the expense of everyone around her. Find out what your options are. Tell your daughter that when she turns 18, if she cannot abide by the rules you set forth..........this___________will be the consequence. You fill in the blanks. And, then, if your guidelines are not met, follow up with the consequences. Whatever they are. You have the power and the right to live a full and happy life, you do not have to allow your daughter to dictate how you live. That is your choice. She will soon be an adult and she will need to make different choices.</p><p></p><p>Find yourself some support. Keep posting, it helps. I'm sorry you had to go looking for us, but I'm glad you're here......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 648639, member: 13542"] Welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this with your daughter. When is enough, enough, when do you say, you can't live here anymore? Well, the moment that you feel you have done everything you can, that there is nothing else you CAN do [U]and[/U] they are an adult. Once they are an adult you have no more control over their actions. And, it sounds as if you have had no control over her actions for a long time. Your question is the question most of us here on the PE side ask ourselves a lot. It is not answerable by anyone but you. You know what you've been through and to me it sounds like a lot. You know what you've done. And, realistically, you also know that you are about to be powerless in the face of your daughter's life choices. She has not listened to you before this, it is highly unlikely that will change once she's 18. If you are not in the US,then many of the supports here will not apply to you. I don't know how to direct you in another country. Here we have NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Perhaps you might give them a call or email them and ask if there is a similar organization in your country. YOU will need support through whatever choices you make now. I strongly suggest you get them in place since you seem now to be pretty alone since your husband left and you're in a new country. It can feel isolated and exhausting when we have a lot of support and it appears as if you don't have any. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Your situation is challenging. I am so sorry. Your daughter is young, but it appears she is incorrigible, unwilling to help herself and unwilling to do anything reasonable for her own health or yours. In my opinion, there is a point we have to recognize where we say I've done enough, it is beyond my control, it is time to let go. These are our kids, but there is a limit to what we have the power to change or control. It sounds as if you have no power at all here. It is your home. You have another child to consider. You have yourself to consider. Here in the US, there are some opportunities for kids like yours, I don't know what they are in your country. I imagine you've already looked in to what they are. Perhaps the next step is to look into a shelter for her. Guilt is certainly a part of this process with our troubled kids, but really, it serves no purpose but to keep you stuck. It is the belief underneath, that you should be doing more, that you should have done more, that you should have known how to prevent this. Well, you couldn't have done more, you now can't do any more and you couldn't have prevented it. It is what it is.That is the point you have to get to, it is what it is. You are powerless. You have no control. Your daughter will soon be an adult in the eyes of the law. Your choices are limited. You can continue doing what you are doing. Which isn't working. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Don't do that. What you might do is research your options now before she turns 18. Find out what can be done, what can't, what you are willing to do, what you are not. Find clarity in what it is you really do want here. Put the guilt aside. You've done enough. You've sacrificed enough. No matter how many issues your daughter has, she is still capable of knowing right from wrong, her diagnoses do not make her unable to know that. She is extremely manipulative and crafty, she knows how to get what she wants. Unfortunately, it is at the expense of everyone around her. Find out what your options are. Tell your daughter that when she turns 18, if she cannot abide by the rules you set forth..........this___________will be the consequence. You fill in the blanks. And, then, if your guidelines are not met, follow up with the consequences. Whatever they are. You have the power and the right to live a full and happy life, you do not have to allow your daughter to dictate how you live. That is your choice. She will soon be an adult and she will need to make different choices. Find yourself some support. Keep posting, it helps. I'm sorry you had to go looking for us, but I'm glad you're here...... [/QUOTE]
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