I dont remember, I can't remember when I felt any sort of thing resembling peace, it seems so long ago. I have no normalcy, my feeling switch from functioning to angry to anxious and waiting for the next to drop only to breakdown. My life has not been my own in so long, I love them but I would really like to feel anything resembling joy, peace, or security. It's all gone, I go to work and function, put on fake smiles and watch the patients walk away, I wait for the daycare to tell me that Eric can't come back... again, I wait to come home and do two hours of first grade homework with my daughter, I take a shower when I feel so motivated to do so, and I crumble into bed where this little boy who wants to behave but can't, even if he able to understand what he was doing wrong. I wait cause he's begun peeing in the bed, so I wait awake in my bed, watching sleep so peacefully, and wish I could fell the oblivious to anything he does. I don't resent him, I couldn't imagine my life without him, but for the life of me, I dont understand as much as I want to, how am I supposed to help him, Im deadlocked in thought, and I dont sleep, to get up and go back to work to my 8 hour escape from my house. I can't stop, I can't give up, Im not allowed to, Im this tower the others lean on, so I come in here and vent and I cry a little, because I know one of you feel the same thing. The same sheer desperation and frustration of having this person become your whole world and hold on to things not because the task is humanly possible, but because you and I are superwomen, and we can do it, if we just had a little co-operation, alittle help, just a little, because there is nothing else. This anxiety owns you and you would not know what its like to not have it. I hope I figure things out, but it doesnt seem it'll happen anytime soon, til then, we close doors and cry, we put our earphones out to drown out the sounds of crying, whining, fighting, and chaos around you, we do it, we have to. Does it ever get better though? Does an answer help?