When is the last time you felt happy?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by barbie, Sep 18, 2008.

  1. barbie

    barbie MOM of 3

    I dont remember, I can't remember when I felt any sort of thing resembling peace, it seems so long ago. I have no normalcy, my feeling switch from functioning to angry to anxious and waiting for the next to drop only to breakdown. My life has not been my own in so long, I love them but I would really like to feel anything resembling joy, peace, or security. It's all gone, I go to work and function, put on fake smiles and watch the patients walk away, I wait for the daycare to tell me that Eric can't come back... again, I wait to come home and do two hours of first grade homework with my daughter, I take a shower when I feel so motivated to do so, and I crumble into bed where this little boy who wants to behave but can't, even if he able to understand what he was doing wrong. I wait cause he's begun peeing in the bed, so I wait awake in my bed, watching sleep so peacefully, and wish I could fell the oblivious to anything he does. I don't resent him, I couldn't imagine my life without him, but for the life of me, I dont understand as much as I want to, how am I supposed to help him, Im deadlocked in thought, and I dont sleep, to get up and go back to work to my 8 hour escape from my house. I can't stop, I can't give up, Im not allowed to, Im this tower the others lean on, so I come in here and vent and I cry a little, because I know one of you feel the same thing. The same sheer desperation and frustration of having this person become your whole world and hold on to things not because the task is humanly possible, but because you and I are superwomen, and we can do it, if we just had a little co-operation, alittle help, just a little, because there is nothing else. This anxiety owns you and you would not know what its like to not have it. I hope I figure things out, but it does:sad-very:nt seem it'll happen anytime soon, til then, we close doors and cry, we put our earphones out to drown out the sounds of crying, whining, fighting, and chaos around you, we do it, we have to. Does it ever get better though? Does an answer help?
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Barbie,
    wow, reading your profile, you've got your hands full!
    I know what you mean about watching them sleep.
    I often go in and kiss my difficult child while he's sleeping because he's SO peaceful, it seems like he's a different person.
    I once asked my easy child how she could fall asleep so quickly and easily. She was 5 at the time. She said she just let her mind go blank and let her body feel heavy and sleepy and poof! There ya go.
    Ah, to be 5 again ...

    I was happy today ... at the pediatrician's ofc. I went in to review my difficult child's psychiatric hospital records and talk about medications. The pediatrician worked in a local psychiatric hospital and has seem Aspies and bipolar kids etc etc and we talked for about an hr. It was GREAT! We had a great mtng of the minds. It was a relief but it was also intellectually stimulating. My fave part was when he blasted the pediatrician hospital for the vague "Mood disorder not otherwise specified" discharge diagnosis.

    Then, I came home to the REAL issue ... my difficult child who started to get mean when his Adderal wore off, refused to help me fix the dishwasher door that had dumped its entire contents onto the floor because there was no screw holding the dishwasher to the countertop, and I couldn't fix it because I've thrown out my back ... but he took his evening medications right away and swallowed them. No fight, no argument.
    OMG, I'm happy. He's not perfect but he took his medications.
    I have to be thankful for the little things.
    And you will, too. It's not one day at a time. It's one hr at a time. And sometimes, one minute or second at a time.

  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think, yes, it does get better. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I agree with Terry about being happy about the little things. Tonight I was happy for a bit because my usually non talkative grouchy daughter was actually pleasant-it really is the little things. I, too, can relate to watching our difficult children sleep so peacefully. It always amazes me how peaceful they look at that moment.

    I also feel it's really important to be sure to take care of ourselves. We have to take care of ourselves to be able to take care of others. It can be little things like a bubble bath or relaxing with a good book. It can be taking walks or somehow someway getting in some kind of a workout. It can be seeing a therapist. I do all of those things to try and keep me healthy.

    Hugs to you tonight.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Barbie, it does get better. Really. But it takes a while, and there were days I never thought I'd see anything even close to calm or peaceful. Being a single parent is difficult, because you know it's just you pulling the entire load, even if the kids' dad helps out, which didn't happen for me. And I only had Miss KT. As Terry said, you have to find joy in the little things, as difficult as that is sometimes.

    Many hugs. I've been there too many times to count.
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, it does get better with time. When you are in the middle of the cloud you can not see the edges, so it feels endless. At some point you will see the edges and you will calm. You will still be in the cloud, but since you can see the edge of the light you will be able to find happy times.

    I am sitting on the edge of the cloud now. Just looking out at the blue sky and smiling. Knowing I will be there out there someday brings such peace and serenity.

  6. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i read your post and it made me cry. i'm there, where you are. my therapist tells me enjoy the simple things in your day really take them in. today for me it was a cup of coffee after meeting with school social worker, and pysch regarding my difficult child.

    meditation is also really good. i too though no way i dont have the time, most nights im up with difficult child until very late then i crash. i make the time now i find i have to it helps me center myself it lowers my anxiety and helps me stay in the here and now.

    don't loose hope it does get better, it will. i tell myself that everyday. everything just takes time in life and patience. some of the best things in life are the hardest.

    pat yourself on the back for what an amazing person you are, and an amazing job you are doing and just let yourself feel what your feeling. you are soo allowed to it.

    my thoughts are with you.

    Jen :)
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    It does get better... I am just starting to *live* my life again. I have been nothing but Mental Illness for the past almost 5 years. Trying to figure out myself and my children.
    It does start working out, or you figure out ways to work it out within yourself. I have to hold onto the little things also, because even though K is kind of stable right now, none if will last. I know this to be true. I will become unstable again, she will as well. But I am more prepared.
    We may lose Doctors again, but now I have options. My whole life is a fight for my kids, but I have learned to sneak in things for myself. I have learned to enjoy little things like reading, gardening, baking.
    When it cools down here again I will try to hike again and bike. I am making myself workout...

    This past week and a half: 8 Doctor apts. ranging from sleep deprived eeg's, allergy testing for K and husband, to new TODC interviews.... I still have 3 more! husband is on his 3rd week of debilitating gout, I am now allowed to feed him from a VERY strict menu which is a HUGE pain... until we get all of his tests back.
    N had her 4th bloody nose this morning. I could not get it to stop... so she is here with me. But I can't let these things interfere with the goal.
    We are a family and we will try, we will keep trying and persarvering until someone makes us stop.
    So in between the tears and the violence and the hurt... I smile.
    Nothing can take away the beauty of life and the beauty of taking a deep breath.

    I don't feel happy all of the time... but I try to feel happy throughout the day for all of the little things.
    You are a warrior... we all are in our own ways. Our strength shines through at different times in different ways.
  8. Love the sunshine

    Love the sunshine New Member

    They are so beautiful and peaceful when they sleep. During that time, take the weight off your shoulders and put it somewhere else. Really...visualize putting it somewhere else.

    Take a deep breath, give yourself a hug, and feel the peace knowing that your children are safe, and that you have done everything you could do for them that day. It's OK to stop and let things go for awhile. You're allowed to.