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General Parenting
When My Mother Stopped Enabling Me....
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<blockquote data-quote="BloodiedButUnbowed" data-source="post: 729113" data-attributes="member: 13303"><p>Thanks for all the kind responses. I, too, am very glad that I learned how to adult. No matter how long it took...it was worth it. I am very aware that some people never grow up and some of you have shared those stories in this thread.</p><p></p><p>It would be easy for some to consider me entitled, spoiled, etc., during the years when I lived off my mother's generosity, and some of that might be warranted, but my mother's own needs, insecurities, and emotional unhealthiness played just as big a part. If I had permitted it, she would have kept me with her forever. It was my own sense of pride that led me to eventually forge my own path. I had to struggle very hard and deal with a tremendous amount of guilt to separate myself from her. She wanted me to do well in life but she also didn't want me to leave her. There are a number of people like this in my wife's family too. I know it is more common than is often acknowledged....that some children are not raised to fly out of the nest, but are rather expected to willingly clip (or abandon) their wings and live like a child forever.</p><p></p><p>I had to go LC with my mom for a couple of years to set our relationship on a healthier course, and even today we are not as close as she would prefer. For example, we text every day or two and talk on the phone once per week, and I live about 45 minutes from her. She'd prefer that I live in the same town, or one over at the furthest, and talk to her on the phone for an hour each day. As I said in an earlier post, boundaries are not something she acknowledges or understands.</p><p></p><p>I encourage parents who are supporting their children financially - WITHOUT any stipulations and an end date in the reasonably near future - to consider their motives. My mother loves me to the ends of this earth and supported me to "help" me but did not understand how that kind of support can become very harmful if not regulated. At the same time, people do fall on hard times and it is in these times that we NEED our families, our parents. I'm not at all suggesting adult children shouldn't be helped, just that it shouldn't become habitual.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BloodiedButUnbowed, post: 729113, member: 13303"] Thanks for all the kind responses. I, too, am very glad that I learned how to adult. No matter how long it took...it was worth it. I am very aware that some people never grow up and some of you have shared those stories in this thread. It would be easy for some to consider me entitled, spoiled, etc., during the years when I lived off my mother's generosity, and some of that might be warranted, but my mother's own needs, insecurities, and emotional unhealthiness played just as big a part. If I had permitted it, she would have kept me with her forever. It was my own sense of pride that led me to eventually forge my own path. I had to struggle very hard and deal with a tremendous amount of guilt to separate myself from her. She wanted me to do well in life but she also didn't want me to leave her. There are a number of people like this in my wife's family too. I know it is more common than is often acknowledged....that some children are not raised to fly out of the nest, but are rather expected to willingly clip (or abandon) their wings and live like a child forever. I had to go LC with my mom for a couple of years to set our relationship on a healthier course, and even today we are not as close as she would prefer. For example, we text every day or two and talk on the phone once per week, and I live about 45 minutes from her. She'd prefer that I live in the same town, or one over at the furthest, and talk to her on the phone for an hour each day. As I said in an earlier post, boundaries are not something she acknowledges or understands. I encourage parents who are supporting their children financially - WITHOUT any stipulations and an end date in the reasonably near future - to consider their motives. My mother loves me to the ends of this earth and supported me to "help" me but did not understand how that kind of support can become very harmful if not regulated. At the same time, people do fall on hard times and it is in these times that we NEED our families, our parents. I'm not at all suggesting adult children shouldn't be helped, just that it shouldn't become habitual. [/QUOTE]
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When My Mother Stopped Enabling Me....
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