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When My Son Gets Out of Jail.......
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 713897" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>HI Meme ,</p><p></p><p>I know what it is like to be older with an older difficult child. My son is 37, and has many of the same traits you described in your son. You can read my story in my initial posts about all the similar things I was dealing with (as is everyone on this forum), how I learned about detachment, and had my son leave our house, with nowhere to go, how painful it was and all the same mess etc. Then he finally ended up in jail, where he was headed all along.</p><p></p><p>Yes, it was hard to put him out of the house. A few times he came back with a back pack and in tears and wanting to hug me. But I could not hug him back. I knew in my heart that it would be harder still to keep going with all the enabling, and all the despair in my heart to see things just getting worse, not better. I made him leave mostly because I had to save myself. I could just not keep living the way it was.</p><p></p><p>The last time my son was in jail, it was for almost 6 months – long enough for him to realize he did not want to live in jail as a permanent home. Fortunately for him, he was released to an 18 -month court program, which required him to stay at a sober house and to get a minimal job. It has now been a year in the program. I think he has learned to live simply and to not expect much, being mainly motivated not to go back to jail. I do not see or hear from him often, which is best for all, while still remaining connected and cordial .</p><p></p><p>Now after a year, he is coming to a stage in the court program where he could possibly move out of the sober house, and he vaguely suggested to me a few weeks ago that he might consider coming back home “to save money.” I said no – not an option- saving money is not an issue now - he needs to use his meager funds to support himself. And even more so, I told him I honestly think he is doing better with his life by staying in the sober house, where there are other folks (in similar straights, trying to hold it together) which give a sense of community and support to each other. I don’t think he likes it much and he is not a very happy person (has an innate melancholy personality) , but he does have to find his own way, for better or worse. He cannot come back to our home again to live here.</p><p> You got it ! Stick with it! What will our sons do when we are no longer here? For their own good, they need to finally grow their wings and jump from the nest – and flounder until they fly - little by little. It is the only way. So stick with it, Meme, and know <em>you are going to be alright</em>.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 713897, member: 19617"] HI Meme , I know what it is like to be older with an older difficult child. My son is 37, and has many of the same traits you described in your son. You can read my story in my initial posts about all the similar things I was dealing with (as is everyone on this forum), how I learned about detachment, and had my son leave our house, with nowhere to go, how painful it was and all the same mess etc. Then he finally ended up in jail, where he was headed all along. Yes, it was hard to put him out of the house. A few times he came back with a back pack and in tears and wanting to hug me. But I could not hug him back. I knew in my heart that it would be harder still to keep going with all the enabling, and all the despair in my heart to see things just getting worse, not better. I made him leave mostly because I had to save myself. I could just not keep living the way it was. The last time my son was in jail, it was for almost 6 months – long enough for him to realize he did not want to live in jail as a permanent home. Fortunately for him, he was released to an 18 -month court program, which required him to stay at a sober house and to get a minimal job. It has now been a year in the program. I think he has learned to live simply and to not expect much, being mainly motivated not to go back to jail. I do not see or hear from him often, which is best for all, while still remaining connected and cordial . Now after a year, he is coming to a stage in the court program where he could possibly move out of the sober house, and he vaguely suggested to me a few weeks ago that he might consider coming back home “to save money.” I said no – not an option- saving money is not an issue now - he needs to use his meager funds to support himself. And even more so, I told him I honestly think he is doing better with his life by staying in the sober house, where there are other folks (in similar straights, trying to hold it together) which give a sense of community and support to each other. I don’t think he likes it much and he is not a very happy person (has an innate melancholy personality) , but he does have to find his own way, for better or worse. He cannot come back to our home again to live here. You got it ! Stick with it! What will our sons do when we are no longer here? For their own good, they need to finally grow their wings and jump from the nest – and flounder until they fly - little by little. It is the only way. So stick with it, Meme, and know [I]you are going to be alright[/I]. [/QUOTE]
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