when parents do better,kids do better

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by crazymama30, Oct 15, 2008.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    psychiatrist made this statement yesterday, and it has really got me thinking. I think some of it is true, to some extent. I know when husband's BiPolar (BP) or anxiety is acting up, it seems that after husband calms down difficult child will go out of control. I never thought of them as linked. I try to do things to ensure that I am "doing better", but man is it hard to find time. This site helps me immensely.

    Just thought this might start a good discussion with good suggestions. What do you think of the above statement and what do you do to "do better"?
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Good morning,

    Yes good topic of discussion I think. I've heard that statement from my T more times than I can count.

    I do think we can trigger them at times, they do feed off of us. What do I do I'm a fish out of water it seems and am just learning how to take care of me. I do not work full time as you do I see, I left my job in April.

    I go to the library take walks lately, read a magazine, big one for me is meditation. It brings me the ability to center and focus for the day. Yoga hurts my back yet it's great for you as well.

    You should try meditation, takes a while to shut off everything else yet once you get there it can be such a calming thing i almost fall asleep some days. :)
  3. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I think it is a bit like the chicken and the egg. difficult child's do better when parents do better but parents do better when difficult child's do better as well. Personally I think stress is the big killer in our home. Whoever ups the stress can cause a ripple effect through the whole family. So, I think anything that reduces stress is a very good thing.

    Things I have in mind to reduce stress would be

    1 less on the agenda

    2 breaks

    3 having fun together..or in smaller groups within the family

    4 ignore the small stuff

    5 lots of physical affection

    6 taking myself away from everyone when I am keyed up
  4. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    That is precisely what my sw constantly tells me. She always says I should come first, that I should take better care of myself, I matter because if I fall apart I will be no good to the rest of my family especially my difficult child. Which is of course the obvious, but how do you do that when you are so addicted to the stress of this crazy life? I am working really hard on not engaging with my difficult child when she baits me. I find when I am able to do so I am in much better spirits for the day. If I get into it with her it absolutely drains me emotionally then I fall apart. After I fall apart I have no energy for my poor son who so often gets lost in the chaos. It's a work in progress. :)

    Good topic!!!
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Are we defining "doing better" as being more aware of our needs, and taking better care of ourselves, so we can be more effective parents? If that's the case, I'm for that. I think we should all have some little corner where we can go to recharge.

    But if the statement means that our kids wouldn't be difficult children if we were better parents, then I don't agree.
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    It's true in this household.

    We had to learn to manage difficult child in a way that was effective for him. It required parent changes, including learning to adjust our approach.

    Not easy for one that only had traditional parenting skills......

    It's not necessarily the parent doing better in my opinion, after all, our skills would do just fine for regular kids. We have to have more than traditional parenting skills.

    But I do believe that getting ourselves under control emotionally, learning to be consistent, yadda, yadda, yadda has to be the first order of business in many of our difficult children cases.

    I think professionals term this wrong too often and put parents on the defensive, e.g., take a parenting class (which may or may not be helpful). Intentionally or unintentionally, they indicate "bad parenting" is the problem.

    There needs to be parenting classes for parents with special needs kids.
  7. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    KTmom91, I do not take it to mean that if we were better parents then our difficult children would not be difficult child's. I think psychiatrist meant that when husband (who is BiPolar (BP), has had a bad time with medications, some pretty severe reactions, and has chronic pain issues as well) then difficult child feels more secure and therefore does better. I was also sick for about 2-3 weeks, possible viral encepolopathy(sp) so I was not myself by any means either. We have seen that when husband is doing better, difficult child does better. Before husband was on medications, he would be up for several days at a time, and then sleep for 14-20hrs. His kinda normal schedule (he really had no schedule) was to sleep untill about 2 or 3pm, with noon being an early wake up time. Sometimes the kids would wake him up when they got home.

    Now he is up by 9 or 10am, just depends on how he slept and how his pain is. He is more stable emotionally.

    As a result he and I argue less, I am less stressed, so then I do better. I guess a family is interdependent, when one does better, all do better as the stress factor is reduced.

    I do not believe that we cause our children's problems.
  8. Pookybear66

    Pookybear66 New Member

    I agree with the opening statement. I have found that since I have been reading The Explosive Child, I have found myself yelling less. It has helped me to moderate my tone and choose my battles. In turn my ds has been able to work with me and stay focused on finding a solution to the problem. He was always willing to talk and not usually physical but he would yell a lot and get to where he wouldn't listen at all till he calmed down.

    We've had a few fairly good weeks now so I guess you can say we have moved in the right direction. I don't really like the word "better". We are learning to approach problems "differently" so things have changed.
  9. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    Fantastic thread......my easy child kids have always said difficult child feeds of my anxiety....is he all right...is something starting etc.
    If difficult child starts its a knock on effect for someone else to. go bang

    I do losoe the head with fright and its always better not to shout..but difficult to do

    Removing yourself for a bit is all I can think of to improve things....but yes this surely is a great site with kind comments everywhere
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, the obvious is financial. The less you have to worry about where the money comes from to get your children the help they need, the more apt you are to be able to get it for them.

    I had some very tough personal years around the time M was born. He got used to me being a bundle of nerves. When therapy and medications finally started helping me when he was around 6 - 7 years old, he got way worse. My being a bundle of nerves was what he knew. He wasn't ready for reason or happiness. I tried to drag him along the road to recovery for 10 years to no avail. I think some of the lessons may be setting in with him now, but then again, he always knew what to say to people to put them off their guard. So, we'll see.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, if I rush into the house and yell, "Hey, we're late! Let's go!" difficult child will become agitated. If I stop and take a deep breath, walk up to him and tap my wrist watch, he's fine.
    I wish I'd known how volitile he was yrs ago, and how much I was setting him off. Sigh.