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Family of Origin
When parents still abuse their adult children:
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 675094" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Cedar, there has to be some way that you feel that you cannot have yourself freely. Seeing your mother as she really is. What would that mean, with respect to the dinner? Realizing that she can never be present at a family dinner, without pulling the tablecloth out from under so that everything is disrupted; or spitting on the centerpiece?</p><p></p><p>Do you feel that it is you that always loses, not her? That she always has the power to wreck everything for you? Is that why you cling to the fantasy, because the reality is so ugly?</p><p></p><p>The thing is as long as you need to hang onto the fantasy (where your mother is present) it is you that you continue to trash, Cedar. You are blamed. By you. Because she blamed you for everything. As long as you keep the fantasy, you persist in resurrecting and maintaining her ugly lies. That is the problem. Because in your fantasy she is an impostor. As long as you maintain that lie for her, you are skewering yourself as the fake. There has to be a choice.</p><p></p><p>There has to be a way out for you.</p><p></p><p>We are at the hardest time of the year for this, where most of us skewer ourselves.</p><p></p><p>You wrote about the book club lady who buys beautiful dishes on Ebay. I love the idea of mismatched place settings. Is there a way that you can make your family dinners for you and D H and for your friends near you? Every single one of them, I am sure, would delight to be part of your family dinner.</p><p></p><p>Like Serenity says. We make our families of choice. What about choosing to make your family dinners of what you are? What you have?</p><p>You are saying here that you discount every ugliness on her part, minimize it, to hold onto the ideal. You compromise yourself, each and every time, you choose to elevate her by discounting her bad behaviors. Until nothing is left. Because there has been so much bad behavior, and so much shutting of eyes, that it is all a joke. The family dinner has instead become a tableau of horror. The reality of things, rather than the ideal.</p><p></p><p>That is the moral issue, Cedar, when there are too many compromises, the reality ends up far, far different than the ideal. It becomes to show the truth.</p><p></p><p>It is time to decide. It is a choice point. You have to decide for the real you. Or not. You know what the latter means. Can you risk choosing for you? Think about what that would be, Cedar?</p><p>Is he saying here, D H, that there is no win for you, or for her? Or for anybody?</p><p>Is the fantasy that by prettifying everything, your mother will be transformed? Will she turn into a Madonna, her eyes? </p><p></p><p>Look at my mother, Cedar. Until the end she was willing to sacrifice me Cedar. As long as she could. The love I saw in her eyes, was my own for her.</p><p></p><p>I am not saying she did not love me. She did. But the way I needed her to love me, was my own for her.</p><p></p><p>How very, very sad for us.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 675094, member: 18958"] Cedar, there has to be some way that you feel that you cannot have yourself freely. Seeing your mother as she really is. What would that mean, with respect to the dinner? Realizing that she can never be present at a family dinner, without pulling the tablecloth out from under so that everything is disrupted; or spitting on the centerpiece? Do you feel that it is you that always loses, not her? That she always has the power to wreck everything for you? Is that why you cling to the fantasy, because the reality is so ugly? The thing is as long as you need to hang onto the fantasy (where your mother is present) it is you that you continue to trash, Cedar. You are blamed. By you. Because she blamed you for everything. As long as you keep the fantasy, you persist in resurrecting and maintaining her ugly lies. That is the problem. Because in your fantasy she is an impostor. As long as you maintain that lie for her, you are skewering yourself as the fake. There has to be a choice. There has to be a way out for you. We are at the hardest time of the year for this, where most of us skewer ourselves. You wrote about the book club lady who buys beautiful dishes on Ebay. I love the idea of mismatched place settings. Is there a way that you can make your family dinners for you and D H and for your friends near you? Every single one of them, I am sure, would delight to be part of your family dinner. Like Serenity says. We make our families of choice. What about choosing to make your family dinners of what you are? What you have? You are saying here that you discount every ugliness on her part, minimize it, to hold onto the ideal. You compromise yourself, each and every time, you choose to elevate her by discounting her bad behaviors. Until nothing is left. Because there has been so much bad behavior, and so much shutting of eyes, that it is all a joke. The family dinner has instead become a tableau of horror. The reality of things, rather than the ideal. That is the moral issue, Cedar, when there are too many compromises, the reality ends up far, far different than the ideal. It becomes to show the truth. It is time to decide. It is a choice point. You have to decide for the real you. Or not. You know what the latter means. Can you risk choosing for you? Think about what that would be, Cedar? Is he saying here, D H, that there is no win for you, or for her? Or for anybody? Is the fantasy that by prettifying everything, your mother will be transformed? Will she turn into a Madonna, her eyes? Look at my mother, Cedar. Until the end she was willing to sacrifice me Cedar. As long as she could. The love I saw in her eyes, was my own for her. I am not saying she did not love me. She did. But the way I needed her to love me, was my own for her. How very, very sad for us. COPA [/QUOTE]
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