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When people are ostracized from family, it is because the family did not like their choices.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 656322" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I feel a strong need to interrupt my reading of your great post and address this right now. IT IS NOT TRUE. It is hogwash and you know it. It is them needing to think we are "bad." Do they even really know us? They address a few incidents that they didn't approve of, but do they know the good we do, the love we have (yes, even for them before t he final tumble), the truth we are not afraid to look straight in the eyes? They are wrong and you don't need to be 100% healed to see the foolishness that even the most academically successful abuser (who may not even know he is an abuser but bartely knows us) is spewing out of his mouth. Or hers. They weren't there. They were never there.</p><p></p><p>NOBODY, especially your FOO, is right about who you are.</p><p></p><p>I know for a fact that if my dad, who has been so open and kind to me lately, did not have mney, my sister would have cut him out of her life. She has made it clear she NEEDS his moneys. She has talked about it to me. She wants it so she will tolerate him. But she doesn't like him. She is poor now and to her only his money can save her since her quest to find love did not pan out.</p><p></p><p>She really believes HE caused all the problems between E. (my mother's new name to me) and himself. E. was a tyrant and if I were him, maybe I would have handled things better, but I would have been out of the house as much as possible too. That is one of their gripes. I would also haver spoken back to the horrible things she said about his family. I DON'T BLAME HIM. He even cheated once. I suspect my mother was not letting him touch her and her only comment about it was "I wouldn't even have cared if he hadn't picked such a low class welfare woman." SHE DID NOT LOVE HIM! And my grandmother, who was so kind to me, egged her on to get her divorce.</p><p></p><p>They can deny it. They sat for hours listening to E's tales of woe, but they disregarded my father's side, just as they do me. They don't hear two sides and my mother was persuasive to two adults who wanted to believe in her. She was, gosh darnit, always The Truth.</p><p></p><p>That is typical of one who scapegoats. The exalt one and bash the other. It is also a trait of Borderline (BPD), but we aren't going to talk about Borderline (BPD).</p><p></p><p>Do NOT believe what a scapegoat tells you.</p><p></p><p>I am past you in healing. I am really doing pretty well. But I want to help you over THIS bump right away. They are full of baloney and share the same sandwich. Who cares?</p><p></p><p>I would never go no contact with anybody who needed and wanted me in their life. Lo contact yes, but not no contact. It is a form of abuse and obviously by the way my sister kept and maybe keeps reading my posts, it does not help the person who does it to let go of the person they allegedly have no contact with. There was obviously big interest in me from her, even after her no contact. That says TONS. She will never be free of me even if she never sees me again, which is what I hope. We are never free of our FOO completely, even if we don't see them.</p><p></p><p>I'm not made that way...going no contact as a decision. I think it's cruel. But I will have no trouble STAYING no contact with them, since THEY made the choice and NOT coming back, even if they become very sick or remorseful. I'm done. And I don't feel guilty about it because I tried. And God, whoever God is to you,...he/she knows just how hard I did try and how much I took as I tried. I have a clear conscience.</p><p></p><p>My family is my made family and my father who was scapegoated as badly as me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 656322, member: 1550"] I feel a strong need to interrupt my reading of your great post and address this right now. IT IS NOT TRUE. It is hogwash and you know it. It is them needing to think we are "bad." Do they even really know us? They address a few incidents that they didn't approve of, but do they know the good we do, the love we have (yes, even for them before t he final tumble), the truth we are not afraid to look straight in the eyes? They are wrong and you don't need to be 100% healed to see the foolishness that even the most academically successful abuser (who may not even know he is an abuser but bartely knows us) is spewing out of his mouth. Or hers. They weren't there. They were never there. NOBODY, especially your FOO, is right about who you are. I know for a fact that if my dad, who has been so open and kind to me lately, did not have mney, my sister would have cut him out of her life. She has made it clear she NEEDS his moneys. She has talked about it to me. She wants it so she will tolerate him. But she doesn't like him. She is poor now and to her only his money can save her since her quest to find love did not pan out. She really believes HE caused all the problems between E. (my mother's new name to me) and himself. E. was a tyrant and if I were him, maybe I would have handled things better, but I would have been out of the house as much as possible too. That is one of their gripes. I would also haver spoken back to the horrible things she said about his family. I DON'T BLAME HIM. He even cheated once. I suspect my mother was not letting him touch her and her only comment about it was "I wouldn't even have cared if he hadn't picked such a low class welfare woman." SHE DID NOT LOVE HIM! And my grandmother, who was so kind to me, egged her on to get her divorce. They can deny it. They sat for hours listening to E's tales of woe, but they disregarded my father's side, just as they do me. They don't hear two sides and my mother was persuasive to two adults who wanted to believe in her. She was, gosh darnit, always The Truth. That is typical of one who scapegoats. The exalt one and bash the other. It is also a trait of Borderline (BPD), but we aren't going to talk about Borderline (BPD). Do NOT believe what a scapegoat tells you. I am past you in healing. I am really doing pretty well. But I want to help you over THIS bump right away. They are full of baloney and share the same sandwich. Who cares? I would never go no contact with anybody who needed and wanted me in their life. Lo contact yes, but not no contact. It is a form of abuse and obviously by the way my sister kept and maybe keeps reading my posts, it does not help the person who does it to let go of the person they allegedly have no contact with. There was obviously big interest in me from her, even after her no contact. That says TONS. She will never be free of me even if she never sees me again, which is what I hope. We are never free of our FOO completely, even if we don't see them. I'm not made that way...going no contact as a decision. I think it's cruel. But I will have no trouble STAYING no contact with them, since THEY made the choice and NOT coming back, even if they become very sick or remorseful. I'm done. And I don't feel guilty about it because I tried. And God, whoever God is to you,...he/she knows just how hard I did try and how much I took as I tried. I have a clear conscience. My family is my made family and my father who was scapegoated as badly as me. [/QUOTE]
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When people are ostracized from family, it is because the family did not like their choices.
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