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When people are ostracized from family, it is because the family did not like their choices.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 656338" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Money, having what is left (all of it, from the look of things these days) plays a big part in whatever it is my sister is healing in the things she does. She has wanted my parents' house (which is on a lake) for a long time. She would come up with all kinds of ideas about how she would come and live there with them and take care of them and then, take over the house when they were...when they were, you know.</p><p></p><p>Gone.</p><p></p><p>My father kept this sister in her place.</p><p></p><p>Now he is gone.</p><p></p><p>Does that mean, and I think about this too just lately, that I should be protecting my mother? But I have spoken up. Especially where the man who wanted to marry my mother is concerned, I told my mom he was an ethical man, that she would be safe with him, that she could explore all kinds of wonderful things (they were going to travel, and to live in another state altogether, and etc). </p><p></p><p>And my mother chose to do what she is doing.</p><p></p><p>The man has not given up, apparently.</p><p></p><p>The first call I had from my sister, after so long a time, was: "We've been duped." She (my sister) felt such betrayal that my mother had seen the man again, last summer, when she (my mother and my sister) and I were not talking.</p><p></p><p>It was surprising to me, at the time of that phone call, to know my sister would assume I would feel "duped", too.</p><p></p><p>It was the strangest thing.</p><p></p><p>But my mother would have been happily in her life, with that man. He had a large, loving family. My sister hated that about him. She hated that my mother would come to know his family and think the worse of us for it.</p><p></p><p>It seems so sad. I don't know what else I could do about any of it. My brother continues to care for my mother during the summers, when she is here. He does not hear from her (at all ~ not so much as a Christmas card or a phone call or an email) during the months she is with my sister.</p><p></p><p>When I made the decision not to see my mother last summer, my brother was very upset with me. I told him he would always have access to me.</p><p></p><p>So far, he hasn't taken my up on that one.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We always knew it was my mother. My father was terminally cool. But he had to know, and he did not protect us.</p><p></p><p>After my father's death ~ and I mean immediately after he died, my mother told everyone that it was my father who made it impossible for our family to celebrate family. </p><p></p><p>We believed her.</p><p></p><p>ARGGGGHHH!</p><p></p><p>Man, she did some terrible, terrible things. I have a friend who lost her husband recently. I know another lady whose husband passed long before I met her. Both women honor their husbands memories, and miss them, most sincerely.</p><p></p><p>So, I know how to do this, how to feel this correctly.</p><p></p><p>I have been honored, to have had D H mom in my life to teach me how to love my babies, and to have had these women in my life to teach me how to honor myself, and my relationship to D H.</p><p></p><p>He has been through alot, with me. I mean, times when I did not know my mother was ~ times when I did not know that the way I had been brought up to see my mate was toxic.</p><p></p><p>He stuck with me through it, though.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Heh.</p><p></p><p>My sister found love on the internet. There he wa$. So that is why I don't understand now why she seems to need to exclude the other sibs with such single-minded intent.</p><p></p><p>Maybe she believes that without us in the picture, my mom will love her.</p><p></p><p>And maybe that is true.</p><p></p><p>But then, why did my mom so absolutely risk my sister's displeasure by having the man come back, last summer?</p><p></p><p>My sister (according to her last bless your heart I hate you phone call) plans to spend time with my mother in her house this summer.</p><p></p><p>No man, that way.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe I am just being biatchy.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe, I have no role here, at all.</p><p></p><p>But that is my mother....</p><p></p><p>And here is a secret. I don't think I really mean F you, mom. I think I mean boy, do I wish I had a mom.</p><p></p><p>Just not her.</p><p></p><p>Maya Angelou. That is who I need for a mom. That is why I love Maya. She was on Oprah again, yesterday. I swear, she can heal us just with her words and her strength.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know. But my father was an adult. He had to know. He should have protected us. Here is a story: So, my mom had an affair a million years ago. Later in his life, my father created a successful ~ really successful ~ business. My mom told everyone in the office about the affair she had had a million years ago. Probably, she could not stand to see my father successful?</p><p></p><p>I don't know.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, as part of all of it, my father finally left her, right?</p><p></p><p>And do you know what she told me she told him? That if he left her now, he would never see his kids again.</p><p></p><p>I was like, in my thirties when that happened.</p><p></p><p>What kind of person makes those threats to a husband? We were adults. We could choose to see or not see our father. </p><p></p><p>?</p><p></p><p>Dysfunction, right? And I kept trying to see where I wasn't thinking right, that I could not understand how she could say that to a husband when the kids are in their thirties to begin with. (...stupid? Could she be stupid?!?)</p><p></p><p>And why would she tell that to her thirty something daughter expecting it to be a triumph?</p><p></p><p>Well. Sorry, SWOT. Back to your post. </p><p></p><p>I still have that foggy feeling, like I must have missed something crucial around that whole event.</p><p></p><p>For heaven's sake.</p><p></p><p>My father went back to my mother.</p><p></p><p>He actually did.</p><p></p><p>They lost the business. The partner pulled out and began his own business <em>and all the employees went with him.</em></p><p></p><p>Score one for my mother. She blamed that on my father's stubborness, on his insistence that the business be set up so either partner could do what the other partner did after my mother ~ made the workplace what it was, I guess.</p><p></p><p>So, probably my mother really is dysfunctional.</p><p></p><p>Not just with her children, I mean.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ha!</p><p></p><p>But...I would like a bite.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I saw that with my sister, too. But I hate her for what she did when my daughter was so hurt. I hate her for stalking and encouraging my daughter to tell her every bad thing and then, dumping and never responding to my daughter, again.</p><p></p><p>I hate that she made my daughter, who was so freaking vulnerable and struggling so hard to make sense of everything herself, cry.</p><p></p><p>I do hate her for that.</p><p></p><p>And then, once she had the dirt, she contacted me on FB as though she had just learned of it and asked me what happened. When I said (already healing a little, and no longer so willing to believe in FOO) "What is it you want to know?" she responded: "I already know."</p><p></p><p>And that's it.</p><p></p><p>So, that was a really unbelievably nasty game.</p><p></p><p>And like I always do, I just don't get the win.</p><p></p><p>There has to be one. No one would do that on purpose.</p><p></p><p>But in this instance? To a niece, to someone you knew as a little girl?!?</p><p></p><p>Maybe I am seeing this wrong.</p><p></p><p>And maybe, just this one time, I don't care. Forever.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>And yet, it was my daughter who convinced me to take my sister's calls, even after that.</p><p></p><p>No one knows how to do this right.</p><p></p><p>Not me, that's for sure.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My mom does that.</p><p></p><p>But why?</p><p></p><p>I mean, I know why doesn't matter.</p><p></p><p>Much.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't matter much.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That's true. I did not begin this. (But I did say I was not helping with my mother during the summer, as though none of this had happened. I did do that. But (oh for heaven's sake. but but but. Grrr....)</p><p></p><p>Where was I going with this. But I did do that wrong thing and not do what I can so easily do to be there for my aging mother.</p><p></p><p>D H says she made a choice every day when she did not keep contact once she was staying with my sister, and in being rude to my D H when he picked up the phone knowing it was my mom. She had called to tell us my sister was in the hospital. Not serious, given that my daughter had been in and out of Intensive Care, or had been fished out of snowbanks dead drunk after being beat to within an inch of her life and etc.</p><p></p><p>I could definitely have used a mom or a sister during that time.</p><p></p><p>D H and I had D H mom and family, though.</p><p></p><p>Counting my blessings, here.</p><p></p><p>And of course, I had all of you.</p><p></p><p>It was still really so hard, though.</p><p></p><p>But she is doing so well, now. So very, incredibly, impossibly well.</p><p></p><p>We heard from both kids, and from all of our grands, yesterday. Four phone calls, for everyone to call...and they did that.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":wine:" title="wine :wine:" data-shortname=":wine:" /></p><p></p><p>SWOT!</p><p></p><p>Ha!!!</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 656338, member: 17461"] Money, having what is left (all of it, from the look of things these days) plays a big part in whatever it is my sister is healing in the things she does. She has wanted my parents' house (which is on a lake) for a long time. She would come up with all kinds of ideas about how she would come and live there with them and take care of them and then, take over the house when they were...when they were, you know. Gone. My father kept this sister in her place. Now he is gone. Does that mean, and I think about this too just lately, that I should be protecting my mother? But I have spoken up. Especially where the man who wanted to marry my mother is concerned, I told my mom he was an ethical man, that she would be safe with him, that she could explore all kinds of wonderful things (they were going to travel, and to live in another state altogether, and etc). And my mother chose to do what she is doing. The man has not given up, apparently. The first call I had from my sister, after so long a time, was: "We've been duped." She (my sister) felt such betrayal that my mother had seen the man again, last summer, when she (my mother and my sister) and I were not talking. It was surprising to me, at the time of that phone call, to know my sister would assume I would feel "duped", too. It was the strangest thing. But my mother would have been happily in her life, with that man. He had a large, loving family. My sister hated that about him. She hated that my mother would come to know his family and think the worse of us for it. It seems so sad. I don't know what else I could do about any of it. My brother continues to care for my mother during the summers, when she is here. He does not hear from her (at all ~ not so much as a Christmas card or a phone call or an email) during the months she is with my sister. When I made the decision not to see my mother last summer, my brother was very upset with me. I told him he would always have access to me. So far, he hasn't taken my up on that one. We always knew it was my mother. My father was terminally cool. But he had to know, and he did not protect us. After my father's death ~ and I mean immediately after he died, my mother told everyone that it was my father who made it impossible for our family to celebrate family. We believed her. ARGGGGHHH! Man, she did some terrible, terrible things. I have a friend who lost her husband recently. I know another lady whose husband passed long before I met her. Both women honor their husbands memories, and miss them, most sincerely. So, I know how to do this, how to feel this correctly. I have been honored, to have had D H mom in my life to teach me how to love my babies, and to have had these women in my life to teach me how to honor myself, and my relationship to D H. He has been through alot, with me. I mean, times when I did not know my mother was ~ times when I did not know that the way I had been brought up to see my mate was toxic. He stuck with me through it, though. Heh. My sister found love on the internet. There he wa$. So that is why I don't understand now why she seems to need to exclude the other sibs with such single-minded intent. Maybe she believes that without us in the picture, my mom will love her. And maybe that is true. But then, why did my mom so absolutely risk my sister's displeasure by having the man come back, last summer? My sister (according to her last bless your heart I hate you phone call) plans to spend time with my mother in her house this summer. No man, that way. Or maybe I am just being biatchy. Or maybe, I have no role here, at all. But that is my mother.... And here is a secret. I don't think I really mean F you, mom. I think I mean boy, do I wish I had a mom. Just not her. Maya Angelou. That is who I need for a mom. That is why I love Maya. She was on Oprah again, yesterday. I swear, she can heal us just with her words and her strength. :O) I know. But my father was an adult. He had to know. He should have protected us. Here is a story: So, my mom had an affair a million years ago. Later in his life, my father created a successful ~ really successful ~ business. My mom told everyone in the office about the affair she had had a million years ago. Probably, she could not stand to see my father successful? I don't know. Anyway, as part of all of it, my father finally left her, right? And do you know what she told me she told him? That if he left her now, he would never see his kids again. I was like, in my thirties when that happened. What kind of person makes those threats to a husband? We were adults. We could choose to see or not see our father. ? Dysfunction, right? And I kept trying to see where I wasn't thinking right, that I could not understand how she could say that to a husband when the kids are in their thirties to begin with. (...stupid? Could she be stupid?!?) And why would she tell that to her thirty something daughter expecting it to be a triumph? Well. Sorry, SWOT. Back to your post. I still have that foggy feeling, like I must have missed something crucial around that whole event. For heaven's sake. My father went back to my mother. He actually did. They lost the business. The partner pulled out and began his own business [I]and all the employees went with him.[/I] Score one for my mother. She blamed that on my father's stubborness, on his insistence that the business be set up so either partner could do what the other partner did after my mother ~ made the workplace what it was, I guess. So, probably my mother really is dysfunctional. Not just with her children, I mean. Ha! But...I would like a bite. I saw that with my sister, too. But I hate her for what she did when my daughter was so hurt. I hate her for stalking and encouraging my daughter to tell her every bad thing and then, dumping and never responding to my daughter, again. I hate that she made my daughter, who was so freaking vulnerable and struggling so hard to make sense of everything herself, cry. I do hate her for that. And then, once she had the dirt, she contacted me on FB as though she had just learned of it and asked me what happened. When I said (already healing a little, and no longer so willing to believe in FOO) "What is it you want to know?" she responded: "I already know." And that's it. So, that was a really unbelievably nasty game. And like I always do, I just don't get the win. There has to be one. No one would do that on purpose. But in this instance? To a niece, to someone you knew as a little girl?!? Maybe I am seeing this wrong. And maybe, just this one time, I don't care. Forever. *** And yet, it was my daughter who convinced me to take my sister's calls, even after that. No one knows how to do this right. Not me, that's for sure. My mom does that. But why? I mean, I know why doesn't matter. Much. It doesn't matter much. That's true. I did not begin this. (But I did say I was not helping with my mother during the summer, as though none of this had happened. I did do that. But (oh for heaven's sake. but but but. Grrr....) Where was I going with this. But I did do that wrong thing and not do what I can so easily do to be there for my aging mother. D H says she made a choice every day when she did not keep contact once she was staying with my sister, and in being rude to my D H when he picked up the phone knowing it was my mom. She had called to tell us my sister was in the hospital. Not serious, given that my daughter had been in and out of Intensive Care, or had been fished out of snowbanks dead drunk after being beat to within an inch of her life and etc. I could definitely have used a mom or a sister during that time. D H and I had D H mom and family, though. Counting my blessings, here. And of course, I had all of you. It was still really so hard, though. But she is doing so well, now. So very, incredibly, impossibly well. We heard from both kids, and from all of our grands, yesterday. Four phone calls, for everyone to call...and they did that. :O) :wine: SWOT! Ha!!! Cedar [/QUOTE]
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When people are ostracized from family, it is because the family did not like their choices.
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