When Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Grows Up

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow, Jul 17, 2011.

  1. I've read several places that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), Reactive Attachment Disorder, "can grow up to become" Borderline (BPD), Borderline Personality Disorder.

    I was in a waiting room recently and saw a book titled I Hate You- Don't Leave Me! The title's sentiment drew me in. I didn't know it when I picked up the book but it is a book about Borderline (BPD), Borderline Personality Disorder.

    The book's title is the same sentiment that has been RADiating from our estranged Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) adoptees.

    I opened the book midway and had time to read just a bit.

    I read enough in the book to recognize and relate to how our difficult child-s have been "relating" to us throughout their estrangement.

    The part I opened up to that is VERY MUCH applicable to my difficult child-s was the chapter that explained people with Borderline (BPD) often create "lose-lose" or "no-win" scenarios with the people they love most.

    Most recently, with the impending death of my father, our estranged Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) daughter urged me NOT to inform our estranged Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) son (who was in basic training at the time) of their grandfather's impending death. (Hospital staff had said it was "time to notify family" the end of my father's life was near.)

    • If I chose to inform our son, I'd be the evil one who unduly stressed him out during stressful basic training. LOSE!
    • If I chose to keep it quiet, I'd be the evil one who kept his grandfather's impending death secret, to "prevent" his opportunity to say goodbye. LOSE!
    Whatever it's called, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or Borderline (BPD)... it sucks all the way around.

    I hope one day our adopted children will be strong and healthy enough to realize how much their parents love them... strong and healthy enough to obtain & remain in reciprocally loving life-long relationships.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I will say this about the basic training thing. Even without a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or Borderline (BPD) person, you wouldnt want to notify them in my opinion. I dont think they would let them out unless you want to pull the person out and have them start their training all over again. Do you think your Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) son would want to come home and see your father enough to start over in basic?

    I say this because I had a son in boot camp and you really dont want to give them any news that is going to take them away from the very difficult tasks that they are doing. Its not an easy thing they are going through. My son was at Parris island.

    Now he was doing some training at Lejeune about a month and a half later and his grandfather became quite ill and we had another choice that we had to make about contacting him. This time we did contact him. We really didnt know if his beloved Papa was going to make it or not but this training was something he could repeat without a huge deal. The Marine Corps was absolutely wonderful in the way they handled it. They sent for my son in the field but while they were getting him, a general at the base actually called my dad and spoke with him for quite awhile. It really made his day since my dad was a WWII Marine. LOL. It turned out my dad recovered but they let my son call my dad and they brought him in from the field every night for a week so he could call him to make sure he was okay. I thought that was huge.
  3. DS-difficult child had letter writing and phone call privileges during basic training.

    He had the opportunity and ability to reach out in any way he saw fit.
    We certainly did not expect him to drop out of basic and repeat the 8 week program.

    I suppose it's easy for our Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)-kids to assume it was awfully inconsiderate of my dad to have died at the end of those 8 weeks.
  4. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I have a sign in my house that reads "We are our choices."

    I do believe this applies 99.9999999999% of the time. Yes, sometimes we accidentally make a poor choice and then we have a choice to make a correction. We also have the choice to accept personal responsibility in life. We have a choice to accept what life has to offer us, change what we can, and to learn how to compensate for those difficulties that are troubling or not. This includes learning to compensate/soothe ourselves appropriately emotionally (or not). Ultimately, we have a choice about what we think about and how we are going to respond.

    I think the sister didn't want her brother to hear the truth because she personally has issues with facing reality, responsibility and self control and she might be enabling her brother in the same manner.

    Yes, both of them had and have choices.

    I hope some day they come to realize that they have the choice to chose a healthier way of thinking, living, acting and reacting. (hugs)
    Lasted edited by : Jul 18, 2011