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Parent Emeritus
When the ‘good’ one falls off the rails
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 743904" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Elsi. I am so sorry. I can't believe it either.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter in law knew that R would tell you. She wanted you to know. I am assuming because it is unclear, that you called and spoke to N's wife. What did she tell you? What does she want to do? What does she want you to do? Is she completely economically dependent upon him? Does she want to stay in the marriage? Was she able to identify any triggers? What is her logic about your not speaking to N?</p><p>There are good sliding scale places close to where I think they live. Jewish Family Services is one place. I went there. They have good people. They are well thought of.</p><p></p><p>I feel sick at heart for her, and for you. And for N, too. I do not know how you sit with this, this train wreck, except to realize you have no real voice here.</p><p></p><p>You are a wonderful mother. How does it help to bash yourself? You know what these kids had to deal with because you dealt with it along side of them. The helplessness of it all. Which is the bitter kernel of this. They will have to deal with it. Besides supporting her emotionally, offering support for counseling, I do not see a role for you. I am sick at heart about the grandchildren. </p><p></p><p>Something is going on with N. I do not see him as morally corrupt. Whether depression or the alcoholism. I am not excusing him but there was a trigger.</p><p></p><p>Is he still living in the home with his wife? Does she know what she will do about that? Is there a way for her to pay the rent without his help? Will he help her? </p><p></p><p>I don't know why this is affecting me so. I guess it is because of the integrity of N, that he displayed, and the integrity of the family. Oh. I don't know. Five years sober. And this? Those beautiful children.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 743904, member: 18958"] Hi Elsi. I am so sorry. I can't believe it either. Your daughter in law knew that R would tell you. She wanted you to know. I am assuming because it is unclear, that you called and spoke to N's wife. What did she tell you? What does she want to do? What does she want you to do? Is she completely economically dependent upon him? Does she want to stay in the marriage? Was she able to identify any triggers? What is her logic about your not speaking to N? There are good sliding scale places close to where I think they live. Jewish Family Services is one place. I went there. They have good people. They are well thought of. I feel sick at heart for her, and for you. And for N, too. I do not know how you sit with this, this train wreck, except to realize you have no real voice here. You are a wonderful mother. How does it help to bash yourself? You know what these kids had to deal with because you dealt with it along side of them. The helplessness of it all. Which is the bitter kernel of this. They will have to deal with it. Besides supporting her emotionally, offering support for counseling, I do not see a role for you. I am sick at heart about the grandchildren. Something is going on with N. I do not see him as morally corrupt. Whether depression or the alcoholism. I am not excusing him but there was a trigger. Is he still living in the home with his wife? Does she know what she will do about that? Is there a way for her to pay the rent without his help? Will he help her? I don't know why this is affecting me so. I guess it is because of the integrity of N, that he displayed, and the integrity of the family. Oh. I don't know. Five years sober. And this? Those beautiful children. [/QUOTE]
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When the ‘good’ one falls off the rails
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