When they don't remember

[jennd23]

So you know the general theme is to try to talk to difficult child "later", after his meltdown, after he's calmed down, after everything. What do you do when they don't remember what happened? And WHY don't they remember? Do they really not remember or have they just blocked it out?


Yesterday morning was pretty bad. I yelled (which I shouldn't have). Later, when I picked him up from camp I said "hey bud, i wanted to tell you I am sorry for yelling this morning, I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry for hurting your feelings"

He said to me (completely serious) "when the other person forgot you shouldn't say sorry because that just makes them feel sad again"

Then we were @ the psychiatric's office talking about the meltdown and he really acted as though he had no recollection. How am I supposed to talk about it "later" if he can't remember it later? And why doesn't he remember it?

 

[vchaffin]

Maybe he don't want to remember to go back in that state of anger of whatever happened so he puts it in the back of his mind. The phsycologist told me when i put my children in time out or whatever punishment being done when they are able to come out or get their things back to bring them to me and ask them what did u do to get this punishment and let them know that THEY was the reason they got punished so it doesn't fall back on you and they know well if i do that then this is gonna happen. let them tell you what they done. so they know

 

[msmlb]

My son is the same way. It's like the meltdown completely overtakes him and he can't remember what caused it. I try to talk to him minutes after the event and he will just respond with " I don't know". It's scary that the meltdowns can get to that point.

I hope we both can figure out some answers.

Melissa : )

 

[exhausted]

I recently went through this with my daughter-we call them episodes. She has a few a year. Maybe because she's older, she doesn't scream and yell, it starts slow and then she stews in her head, will often do crayy things like write all over herself or take apart her room, and can't stay in one place and then she blows. Usually trying with suicidal gestures or threats. She will cuss and repeat that nobody listens or understands. She tries to escape, run off by whatever means. I can see in her eyes she is not in her right mind. I think they are almost psychotic breaks or disassociative in nature-she isn't totally in touch with the here and now. She can't self sooth very well in these states and when she runs off it's hard to help her, and if you ignore her she gets to the suicidal state. Then she can't remember. It takes awhile for her to recall the events. She usually gets the general stuff pretty well in a few days, but somethings are just gone! Dont know have wondered myself. Hang in there and hugs!

 

[TeDo]

What I have done when difficult child "blanks" on what happened is start describing what I saw/heard BEFORE the meltdown and then what he did. It sometimes helps to go back and refresh their memory about BEFORE they apparently "checked out". It has helped because then we talk about what would be better to do when XYZ happens again. difficult child rarely remembers what he does/says during the meltdown but with help can reconstruct what caused it.

 

[keista]

"when the other person forgot you shouldn't say sorry because that just makes them feel sad again"

"How would I know the other person forgot if I didn't bring it up?" I've asked my Aspie that before.

I didn't' have this issue much with my Aspie - he is very self aware. I do have this problem CONSTANTLY with DD1. She's had episodes where she truly did NOT remember what went on. Others, her 'normal' tantrums, she very much remembers, but does not want to discuss it. She does not want to 'relive' what went on and feel bad again. On rare occasions she does give me small bits and pieces. This helps me and her therapist help her and I am CONSTANTLY reminding her of that. I laugh when asked if she's in therapy because while she is and has been in the past, she doesn't participate well because it requires her to 'go there' which she won't do.

Just keep pushing and have the therapist keep pushing. Hopefully some small pieces will emerge for you as well. If nothing else, he is learning that discussing these things is EXPECTED of him. Maybe someday he will be able to do so.